Has anyone tried dropping the rope in one-sided relationships?

[MarilynMerlot]

I’ve heard this phrase a lot recently, and am thinking about ‘dropping the rope’ with a number of people in my life who only seem to want me when they need things or see me as some sort of emotional support animal rather than an equal individual. Has anyone dropped the rope with people in their own lives and how did it go? Did they pick up or did those relationships fade?

I did, and they faded. I stopped initiating contact to see what happened at first. Then months went by and nothing. Some people only contacted me when they needed things too. Borrow money or a vehicle, then forget to show up when you when you invite them for a birthday dinner. Never invite me (us) either. And my life feels lighter to be honest.

I haven’t dropped the rope completely but I have pulled my expectations right back and started to match people’s energy/effort and only give what I get.
For example, I have one friend who never says yes to a drink/coffee/socialising but will always put herself out to help me if I’m stuck. I used to feel a bit rejected by her but I’ve accepted that our friendship is a different thing than I thought it was and that’s ok. We’ll probably never really ‘socialise’ but if I’ve locked myself out at 11pm I know she’ll be straight round to help and I’ll do the same for her.
Meeting people where they are at and letting go of ‘shoulds’ has been a liberating process generally, I would recommend!

I hate that phrase, but yes

And after clinging to the rope for a couple of years, I found everyone had completely forgotten about me and I was just holding onto several rope ends

The rope ends now lie tattered in the street. Just littering up the place. Maybe throw out the photograph too that might help.

(No, nobody picked them up. They didn't give a shit about me in the first place).

So be prepared for that.

Love the term. I dropped the rope on a 'friend' who only seemed to invite me to things to make up numbers. Then I would hear about all the other things the group of friends had been to without me being invited and felt crap. Said no to last (expensive) thing she invited me to and haven't heard from her in over a year. Life's too short, stick with your real friends.

I had a couple of friendships like this where I made all the running. It was not so much "dropping the rope" as moving to another city as a mature student. There were no smart phones back then and few people used email so it was easy to let the friendships go. I did stay in contact with one or two ex colleagues by phone but once I got into uni work I was really too busy for past associations.

Yes I’ve done this and the results have been mixed. Part of the issue is that I have friends who I only see a couple times a year so dropping the rope is kinda irrelevant- they wouldn’t notice as we wouldn’t normally communicate for months anyway!
But I did one experiment with an ex boyfriend who I was still very friendly with. I started being a bit more secretive. He’d ask me what I was doing on X day and I’d say going out but would not tell him where or why. I even started doing the physical thing of leaning back. He became much more curious and intrigued. But that was back in the day of being in our 20s, now of course things are different and as I say you don’t communicate with friends daily as one might have done when young.
Sadly I had one friend that was my bestie until I moved away. I thought we had a strong enough foundation and I regularly go back to that area but I found not having that several times a week contact and more effort needed to meet up and she wasn’t bothered enough. We’d arrange to meet at a halfway point and then her (adult, married) son would ask her to have his dog for the day because they decided to go out, and I was ditched even though we had a long ago arranged meet up! And when I returned to her town and suggested coffee (with our usual group of friends) she said it was too early for her (9.30am, and she doesn’t work), and if we couldn’t change it to lunch then no. I was rather hurt by that. So I’ve ‘dropped the rope’ and she has not picked it up. I’m very sad about it to be honest.

I have, and have probably had it done to me plenty of times too and haven't even noticed. In no case has the other person stepped up and made more effort to draw me back into the friendship at the time, although a few have got back in contact for one reason or another years later.

Have with siblings after realising I was one doing all contacting and they didn't seem bothered - it was very apparent after DC were born TBH.

I heard about them trhough parents - we were some distance away - but they didn't bother and recent trip up there where met them they are actually pretty nasty towards me and I think I was ignoring that or been taught to dismiss it.

With friends notice less - though DH made huge efforts to try and keep in touch with one in a city we used to live in - and got more and more outlandish reasons why when DH was back there they couldn't meet up - think even DH conceed he wanted work contacts of DH but not the friendship. So that fizzeled out.

Great post @Ineedanewsofa . I've done similar, and I feel lighter and way less resentful. I match people's energy much more now, and I also think hard about how much I actually WANT to see them. How much is habit, or obligation, or nostalgia, rather than staying in touch because you actually really like seeing them?

I am trying mentally to prepare for it, the fact is I care about these people but it’s becoming so clear I’m just a sounding board/ego boost/convenience to them that I must be ready to deal with the pain of fully realising that too.

I love this! It’s what im Slowly learning too. Really resonates

I have cut back on contacting people who I realised never contacted me.
It’s sad because one of them is interesting, but, it feels too one sided . I had asked her to organise the next meet up about 3 months ago, no word.
Ive also stopped seeing people who talk endlessly about their other group meet ups- I don’t know any of the people involved so it was boring and started to feel a bit unpleasant.

Yeah, I feel bad for you

For me, it was pretty shocking because I thought some of these people were really my friends

I hope you’re okay

Hiya I did with my brother and he didn’t pick it up! We haven’t spoken in over a year.

Another vote for yes (several times tbh) and they never pick it up. Ever.

I save my energy for people who want to spend time with me.

In Al-Anon (support for family and friends of alcoholics, sister org to AA) the phrase ‘Drop the Rope’ is often used in the context of stopping the tug of war that often happens when a problem drinker tries to bait a reaction and distract from their own behaviour by starting an argument. I don’t have to engage with a conversation and I learned it doesn’t help an unwell person who wants a fight to feel better.

I like the other ways people are using the image to let go of forcing connections that are unequal in intention or effort.

@flowerfake that makes a lot more sense

I looked it up and they also seem to be using it as an analogy for a tug of war in AA and no one's going to win the battle with alcohol so dropping the rope makes sense

It makes a lot less sense in personal relationships I think - especially as it seems to be used in the context of seeing if somebody gets in touch.

Yes I've done it several times.
With family and friends.
Always amusing how they get affronted

When I stopped making the effort I never heard from them again. Says it all really.

Yes I dropped the rope and it has been a good and positive thing. I had a tendency to over function in relationships and I really attracted under functioners (it would be more true to say other people gave some of the people I attracted a much wider berth).

It has been a real learning curve for me to just match energy and I’m much happier adjusting my expectations.

So with matching energy, if they don’t reach out you don’t reach ojt? If they keep it brief so do you? If they never ask questions you don’t ask them anything? That kind of thing?

Yes. I have done exactly this.
I have to work hard on it though.

I realised that so called friends only reached out for advice or in a crisis.
I stopped responding or literally replied with " sorry to hear that"
Life is much better. I have about 8 good friends, one sister in law and brother in law that I value. That's enough family and friends for me.

Yes with 3 different friends where I always did the running. Haven’t spoken in about 5 years now. No loss

I’ve done it twice. Once with a friend and the other a family member. They both disappeared. Be prepared for that possibility.