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Original poster

Caught my bf masturbating over pictures of his ex

55 replies

BloomingPeachyRose · 11/08/2026 12:49

Like the title says, no need to say much more really.

The writing was probably on the wall given what was happening and now it definitely is but he says I'm judging him too harshly and not giving him a chance.

I decided to surprise him at the weekend. I was supposed to be covering somebody's shift at work but didn't need to in the end, so thought great, Saturday night, will turn up with a nice bottle of wine and nice lingerie on etc. etc. We've been seeing each other for around 6 months or so, he's always said I can pop in whenever I like, door usually open etc. In fact he sometimes forgets to lock the front door and I do nag him about it as he lives alone.

So I got to his house and headed upstairs as no sign of him. Walked in and he had his phone in one hand and his penis in the other. He was so embarrassed but seemed pleased to see me. He put his phone face down and pushed it underneath the duvet. I wanted to know what turned him on as he has been having problems getting an erection with me from the start but I have been patient as I really like him. He refused to show me his phone and said it was just some spanking porn or something. I watch some porn myself and I suggested we watch it together, started undressing as I had my new lingerie on and he jumped out of bed and suggested we have some wine.

We had some wine, he fell asleep and yes I looked at his phone. He was on his ex girlfriend's Facebook. One picture after another. I looked at his history and he has been doing it since before we got together and all the time we HAVE been together.

I brought it up the next day and he didn't seem bothered that I had looked, he said he had nothing to hide and that it means nothing.

I ended it yesterday as I can't get past it. He struggles to get a decent erection for me but he's masturbating over a woman who dumped him over 8 years ago? Is this normal male behaviour? She seems to be his images of choice when he's alone. Not porn. I'd be OK with that. Well not OK if it's replacing our sex life. But it's HER!!

I'm fuming and he says I'm being way too sensitive and he wants to be with me, not her.

Ex problems seem to be a recurring theme on here, but I never for one minute thought he'd still be hung up on someone from an eternity ago.

He wants to talk again. I don't. Am I being unfair? I don't think so at all. I think he'd be back with her in a flash if she turned up now.

OP posts:
TrunkElliot · 11/08/2026 12:53

At least you saw with your own eyes.

daveaftershave · 11/08/2026 12:57

Definitely isn’t what you were expecting when you went round to see him. For him to brush it off so easily as well and think you’re the one with the problem.

Not many partners would stand for that so I think you’ve done the right thing as it’s not like it was some random woman or porn but it was his ex.

Original poster
BloomingPeachyRose · 11/08/2026 13:01

He has these bloody horrible homemade cushions on his couch and I commented on how dirty and tatty looking they were after getting to know him better and he said "My ex made these". Just what the f@@@

Referencing her when we're out for a meal, going to certain places for walks, she comes up EVERY SINGLE DATE. My ex used to bla bla, my ex is now doing this at work, ex is a member of a trade union now, bla bla fucking bla.

I've had it. Enough.

OP posts:
Whiteshapelz · 11/08/2026 13:11

You put up with 6 months of that and now this?
He's a complete time waster.
Yanbu.

daveaftershave · 11/08/2026 13:13

He’s obsessed with his ex still and it was probably her that ended their relationship. You’re better off without him and shame you had to waste the last 6 months

IdaGlossop · 11/08/2026 13:17

Get rid! If he can't focus on you in the first six months, he's never going to.

Original poster
BloomingPeachyRose · 11/08/2026 13:20

It was her that ended it. She lives around 10 minutes away from him, I see her around a lot actually and her current boyfriend, from what I've heard, is an arrogant, domineering type. But she seems a bit like that too. BF is quite submissive and apparently one of the things she said to him was "are you a man or a mouse". Sounds like he took a load of shit from her.

I'm too nice for him, kind, loving, patient. He can get lost.

OP posts:
GreyCarpet · 11/08/2026 13:26

BloomingPeachyRose · 11/08/2026 13:20

It was her that ended it. She lives around 10 minutes away from him, I see her around a lot actually and her current boyfriend, from what I've heard, is an arrogant, domineering type. But she seems a bit like that too. BF is quite submissive and apparently one of the things she said to him was "are you a man or a mouse". Sounds like he took a load of shit from her.

I'm too nice for him, kind, loving, patient. He can get lost.

It doesn't really matter what her/his/her new boyfriend's personalities are like.

There could be all.sorts of reasons why he's doing it and why he didn't get an election properly with you.

You've ended it (rightly, i think). You don't need to analyse the whys and wherefores now. Just he glad you found out now rather than later! He wasn't the right man for you and that's all you need to know.

extraextras · 11/08/2026 13:28

He may be with you in person but he’s not there with you in mind.

LejlaKapovic · 11/08/2026 14:36

I ended it yesterday as I can't get past it.
Good. You shouldn't get past it. His behaviour is vile, very disrespectful and it isn't exactly an act of love for YOU.

He struggles to get a decent erection for me but he's masturbating over a woman who dumped him over 8 years ago?
Nothing more to say. He's not the man for you.

Is this normal male behaviour?
Nooooo!

Not porn. I'd be OK with that.
Why? Porn is vile, too. Why aren't YOU enough?

Well not OK if it's replacing our sex life.
Even if it doesn't - why would you be okay with your partner ogling and perving at other people having sex in front of a camera? It's really creepy and weird when you think about it.

But it's HER!!
Why would you be okay with it if it was any other woman but HER? The message he's sending by watching other women is still the same: you're not enough for him.

I'm fuming and he says I'm being way too sensitive and he wants to be with me, not her.
So on top of being a disgusting pig and creep, he's also minimising your feelings, not taking accountability when he crosses normal boundaries, and sees YOU as the problem before he sees problems within himself. This man sounds more and more off-putting the more you talk about him.

Ex problems seem to be a recurring theme on here, but I never for one minute thought he'd still be hung up on someone from an eternity ago.
That's a strange sentence to me. If the problems with his ex have been reaccuring throughout your relationship, why would you NOT think he's still hung up on her? That would be my logical conclusion, why else would she be such a consistent problem?

He wants to talk again. I don't.
Don't talk to him.

Am I being unfair?
No, you're doing the right thing.

I think he'd be back with her in a flash if she turned up now.
Let her be welcome to him. Rather that he's her problem than yours...

KaleidoscopeSmile · 11/08/2026 16:02

I think you've done him a favour. If anyone helped themselves to my phone the way you did I'd've kicked them out there and then

pouletvous · 11/08/2026 16:18

Is this fake?

blacksax · 11/08/2026 16:25

Welcome to Mumsnet OP.

Gardenisablooming · 11/08/2026 16:27

Keep him gone. Block if necessary.

Beachlover1993 · 11/08/2026 16:33

BloomingPeachyRose · 11/08/2026 12:49

Like the title says, no need to say much more really.

The writing was probably on the wall given what was happening and now it definitely is but he says I'm judging him too harshly and not giving him a chance.

I decided to surprise him at the weekend. I was supposed to be covering somebody's shift at work but didn't need to in the end, so thought great, Saturday night, will turn up with a nice bottle of wine and nice lingerie on etc. etc. We've been seeing each other for around 6 months or so, he's always said I can pop in whenever I like, door usually open etc. In fact he sometimes forgets to lock the front door and I do nag him about it as he lives alone.

So I got to his house and headed upstairs as no sign of him. Walked in and he had his phone in one hand and his penis in the other. He was so embarrassed but seemed pleased to see me. He put his phone face down and pushed it underneath the duvet. I wanted to know what turned him on as he has been having problems getting an erection with me from the start but I have been patient as I really like him. He refused to show me his phone and said it was just some spanking porn or something. I watch some porn myself and I suggested we watch it together, started undressing as I had my new lingerie on and he jumped out of bed and suggested we have some wine.

We had some wine, he fell asleep and yes I looked at his phone. He was on his ex girlfriend's Facebook. One picture after another. I looked at his history and he has been doing it since before we got together and all the time we HAVE been together.

I brought it up the next day and he didn't seem bothered that I had looked, he said he had nothing to hide and that it means nothing.

I ended it yesterday as I can't get past it. He struggles to get a decent erection for me but he's masturbating over a woman who dumped him over 8 years ago? Is this normal male behaviour? She seems to be his images of choice when he's alone. Not porn. I'd be OK with that. Well not OK if it's replacing our sex life. But it's HER!!

I'm fuming and he says I'm being way too sensitive and he wants to be with me, not her.

Ex problems seem to be a recurring theme on here, but I never for one minute thought he'd still be hung up on someone from an eternity ago.

He wants to talk again. I don't. Am I being unfair? I don't think so at all. I think he'd be back with her in a flash if she turned up now.

Mens are reactive to what they see, my ex P used to be like that, a friend told me he used to masturbate over my friends wife which i did find shocking at the time
Ithe difference here was that the sex was very good and always did satisfy me as was a skilled lover.
If your partner hsd erectile issues then im afraid he likely loved you more as a friend than a lover

NattyRedFinch · 11/08/2026 16:33
  1. He wanks off to pics of his ex
  2. He can’t get a stiffy.

Surely. SURELY you are not that desperate.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 11/08/2026 16:42

Oh wow, that's not good at all, what sort of twat does that when he has a girlfriend that's clearly into him and surprises him with impromptu lingerie and wine visits...his loss!

LarkspurBlues · 11/08/2026 16:52

To her Facebook pictures….after seven years? What a loser. I think he’s frightened of real women. Probs had the erection thing with her too, and the Facebook wanking is a thrilling way of giving it to her without actually having to, iyswim.

Why is this kind of thing never the other way round? Just for once, for equality’s sake, I’d like it to be the boyfriend goes round in nice clean boxers/ with wine to find his gf wanking over a Facebook pic of some dude who dumped her almost a decade ago.

Munchie1965 · 11/08/2026 17:05

Its not normal male behaviour AFAIK and he sounds obsessed. I mean who masturbates to pictures of their ex ? All very strange.

You do sound too good for him and it sounds like you are disappointed and frustrated which is totally understandable.

Better off out of it and good luck with the next one.

leggingsbotoxmatcha · 11/08/2026 17:14

LarkspurBlues · 11/08/2026 16:52

To her Facebook pictures….after seven years? What a loser. I think he’s frightened of real women. Probs had the erection thing with her too, and the Facebook wanking is a thrilling way of giving it to her without actually having to, iyswim.

Why is this kind of thing never the other way round? Just for once, for equality’s sake, I’d like it to be the boyfriend goes round in nice clean boxers/ with wine to find his gf wanking over a Facebook pic of some dude who dumped her almost a decade ago.

I actually laughed aloud at the other way round idea!

OP, you’ve wasted 6 months with this loser, thank goodness you don’t have to waste any more. He’s been caught out for the type of person he really is, believe him and move on!

Everyone has different boundaries btw but if you’re in a loving, committed and fulfilling relationship I wouldn’t think you’d want a guy who needs to jack off to porn either. But that’s your choice… ex-GFs FB page? SOLID NO.

Tontostitis · 11/08/2026 17:17

Brought it up the next day? So you pitch up in sexy lingerie get robbed off watch him fall asleep and find he's been wanking to his ex and you decide to stay the night? I'd have written fuck off on his mirror and got a cab home

MagicThanks · 11/08/2026 17:20

He left his front door open so you just walked in and upstairs into his room unannounced and caught him masturbating?
In reality no one would do this. You’d ring the bell, knock, call his name. You don’t just walk into people’s houses and people don’t just leave their doors open. Seems very odd.

Doseofreality · 11/08/2026 17:22

Was the wine nice though?

LarkspurBlues · 11/08/2026 20:17

@leggingsbotoxmatcha 😆

Hope you’re ok OP

Ilovelurchers · 12/08/2026 00:04

Out of interest, how can you tell by looking at someone's phone what photos they have been looking at and when?

If this is real you should leave him as he appears to still be in love with his ex.