My husband went back with his ex that I’m worried about shortly after we broke up during our teen years and it has haunted me ever since. Am I overreacting?

[maedinanglps]

Back when me and my husband was 16 years old, we broke up, it was a painful breakup for the both of us but we came back together and he didn’t tell me what happened right away, I only knew abt it when we were 19. When we broke up, he went straight to his ex and also some other casual flings when I was beating myself up and crying all day. Fast forward to now, our marriage is great and we have 2 beautiful kids. There’s no argument about my husband cheating or anything of some sort, he is a good husband and a father to my kids, but sometimes it still bothers me. What should I do?

During the time you were broken up? Or is there another time you are talking about?

Do you feel that you have "grown up" since you were 16? It seems that you might be "stuck" in that phase of your life. If you're sure he's treating you and the DC well and isn't cheating then see if you can access some counselling around your confidence and self-esteem.

I would be horrified if anyone judged me now for the poor decisions I made at 16!

During the time when we are broken up, there’s no issue about him being a cheater or messaging girls behind my back when we were together, let alone when we got married. Thanks. I’ll try to ask for professional help.

If it still bothers you after all this time then you haven’t worked through it. You quickly got back together and buried those feelings rather than addressing them, allowing them to fester. The reason it still bothers you only you can answer but I’d guess you have a narrative about your relationship with your H and his behaviour during your break, didn’t align with it.

My advice, find a professional to do the work with. You owe that to you, your H and your children.

Good luck.

I am not saying this in an off hand way, I genuinely think you could use some form of therapy/ counselling.

It is not healthy to still be fixated on who he was with when you were broken up with teenagers. It sounds like you have self esteem/ insecurity issues inside yourself that need to be address. It will hopefully help you to have a more balanced future.

I was very skeptical of counselling for years (different issues) but it has actually changed my life for the better.

Focus on your children and make some goals for yourself, and forget about this.

This is the issue right here. One single person should never be “your world”. It isn’t healthy, for you or them.

Normal behaviour for the age. Especially given some people cope with their feelings through distraction.

He was a 16 year old child you need to get over this and grow up.

Having your DH as your best friend is a good thing, but he shouldn’t be your only friend.

It isn’t healthy for you or for your relationship.

You will be a better person, wife AND mother if you develop friendships outside your immediate family.

You’ve said that you have no friends to talk to and have made your world very small and focused around him. This isn’t healthy and you need to try and reclaim some independence and an identity of your own.

If you are this determined to look for trouble it will find you. Obsessing about something that happened when you were teenagers and not together is unhealthy to say the least. You say yourself you have made him the centre of your world and now seem determined to find a reason to rock that.

This is nothing to do with your husband and everything to do with your unhealthy emotional patterns. You need therapy but also friends and a social circle so your husband isn’t bearing the pressure of your expectations and emotional well being.

OMG. Please let it go.

Don't let this event live rent free in your head anymore.

Enjoy your lovely husband and children.

X

Yes

Have you only ever had one relationship and this is with your husband?

Yes

You say your marriage is great and he's a good man who's given you no cause for doubt...

Are you sure all is well with you? Are you bored, so allowing your mind to run away with you?

Are you feeling a bit insecure in yourself, and as your husband's given you no reason to doubt him, you've gone searching for straws to clutch?

This is not normal, so figure out what's going on before ruining your marriage.

I wouldn't worry about it there is always somebody out there for you that will make you happy

What does that mean?

I suspect from your post you've made DH your entire world. Do you have friends, hobbies, a career, etc.? As a result I think you're so terrified of losing him you are constantly going over minute details that others wouldn't think twice about.
You were children.
Get some therapy and broaden your horizons.

What should you do now? Seek therapy to help you uncover and manage these baseless and unreasonable thoughts. For your own sake, for your marriage, and for your kids. You say your marriage is great- but do you always doubt your husband or unknowingly punish him for his 'actions'? To say his perfectly normal behaviour is haunting you after decades should be a sign that you need to seriously look into getting help.

Arh! I was going to ask how old he was when he 'dated' this ex the first time round since he was only 16 when he went out with you. Was then going to ask how on earth you got to the point of marriage and kids if you're so jealous that he kissed a previous girlfriend, but all this stuped 'queen' business says it all.

Biggest red flag in a relationship ever.

He didn't do anything wrong. You were broken up. That's not the issue. Please make time for yourself outside your relationship and make friends. It's not healthy to be so dependent on one person. The healthiest relationships are where each partner is independent, has their own friends and socialises and goes out separately some of the time.

Another here who thinks you should have therapy, OP, because your attitude to this is unhealthy. Also, you really need to widen your social circle. One person should not be another person’s whole world - again, that’s unhealthy and too much pressure on the other person.

I get it op. While you were broken up you only thought of him so it’s hard to imagine he cared much for you if he went off and kissed a load of people etc. But him doing that honestly doesn’t indicate he cared less for the breakup or for you. People and usually men, are a bit emotionally different about these things. You’ve been trained to ‘keep yourself for the one you love’ and fed a diet of how women should behave and think and true love. It’s all bollox. I bet you could have been with someone else purely for fun while still being heartbroken about the break up if you hadn’t been raised on socially constructed shite.

Try see it as a good thing and absolutely no reflection on you. Both of you should have experienced life and other people before settling down just to have lived a little more broadly. You haven’t but he did, in a very minor way. It’s not a bad thing at all. He choose you.