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Original poster

Husband has taken the dog away during separation and I feel devastated

58 replies

Focusing · 07/08/2026 22:29

My husband and I are going through the worst patch of our marriage. We are currently estranged and barely speaking, though we still share the house.

There has been a major breakdown of trust (not cheating), and while we’ve both made mistakes, his temper, lack of self-control, and past behaviour have pushed things to a breaking point.

The final straw seems to involve our dog. DH had the dog before we moved in together. I am incredibly attached to the dog and help care for him, but DH has always maintained strict control, making it clear it is "his" dog. In the past, I raised concerns about DH’s lack of patience with the dog and how heavily involved his parents are in the dog's care. This discussion was one trigger for our original fallout.

Recently, DH removed the dog from our marital home and took him to his parents' house. He refuses to bring him back, claiming the dog will "get confused" by the tension. It feels entirely malicious, punitive, and like a power play. I feel like he is jealous of my bond with the dog and is using him to punish me.

I miss the dog terribly and am heartbroken, but I don't feel comfortable approaching his parents. This feels like the final stab in the back. I realise I now need to detach from the dog and learn to live without him, but this situation has made me feel like I can no longer get past the hurt.

Is this level of control a definitive sign that the marriage is over? How do I cope with the grief of losing a pet while navigating a separation?

OP posts:
SharkEnthusiast · 07/08/2026 22:32

Oh OP I don’t know what to say but am heartbroken for you. That’s so mean of your DH. Would his parents be unkind to you if you approached them? Do they take good care of the dog?

Rachelshair · 07/08/2026 22:34

That sounds very hard to cope with but it sounds like your marriage is over so he'd be taking the dog regardless. If you want a pet then you could consider getting one that's yours?

Original poster
Focusing · 07/08/2026 22:41

Rachelshair · 07/08/2026 22:34

That sounds very hard to cope with but it sounds like your marriage is over so he'd be taking the dog regardless. If you want a pet then you could consider getting one that's yours?

It’s worse tbh that DH got the new dog 3 months after my dog had to be put down. So I obviously bonded with him when still grieving my previous dog.

I don’t think I could bear this again so I will never get another dog

OP posts:
VestibuleWeaver · 07/08/2026 22:44

It’s quite clear the marriage is over, dog or no dog.

FattyMcFattyArse · 07/08/2026 23:16

What a petty spiteful man he is. There is no reason why the dog cannot live with you both right now. However, in the long term I think you need to accept that you are better off without the man, and that will also mean losing the dog. Better just get the grief done now. For both relationships.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Look forward to a great future without the vindictive git.

And I hope you do get another dog or a cat. They are amazing at helping us heal from grief, fill a huge hole in our lives, and a reason to get up each morning and great for mental health.

FloydPink · 07/08/2026 23:46

FattyMcFattyArse · 07/08/2026 23:16

What a petty spiteful man he is. There is no reason why the dog cannot live with you both right now. However, in the long term I think you need to accept that you are better off without the man, and that will also mean losing the dog. Better just get the grief done now. For both relationships.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Look forward to a great future without the vindictive git.

And I hope you do get another dog or a cat. They are amazing at helping us heal from grief, fill a huge hole in our lives, and a reason to get up each morning and great for mental health.

But it is his dog! Regardless of how the OP feels it belongs to him. If I had someone move in with me, and took a shine to my cat, and then splits 2 years later the cat stays with me!! Different if they got the dog together though

OneNewEagle · 07/08/2026 23:57

Your marriage is over and sorry but it is his dog. I would do the same if there was tension in the house affecting my pet or if I thought my ex was trying to take my pet.

gillefc82 · 08/08/2026 00:41

Anyone who is prepared to use a sentient creature (be it a child, a dog or anything else) as a manipulative tool to cause pain and for some type of emotional point scoring exercise, is not a person I would want to remain married to. He’s shown you just how low he can sink - don’t be dragged down by him or his games.

For what it’s worth @Focusing you have my complete sympathy as I know the love of a dog is something so special and unique.

My DH and I own 3 dogs that were all ‘gathered’ during our 16 years together. Whilst we consider them ‘our’ dogs, in reality they are all registered to me on their microchips, at the vet, on their pet insurance and I do all the admin and leg work involved in looking after them.

I’ll be honest, I’ve told my DH that in the (hopefully unlikely) case of us splitting up, they would 100% be staying with me. Me keeping them makes sense for practical reasons (I WFH, solely pay for their expenses and can afford to, have family nearby who help with occasional dog sitting etc), but also because the prospect of not having them with me every day is both terrifying and devastating.

Assuming the split was amicable, I’d absolutely be happy for him to visit/spend time with them but I wouldn’t ever consider splitting custody / shuttling them back and forth between houses, as I think it would be too unsettling for them. Given your breakup seems acrimonious, I can understand why your husband is not willing to consider this.

My advice would be - take him at face value that he’s prioritising what’s best for the dog you love so much and instead focus your energy on sorting a divorce asap and building a new life that doesn’t include this angry, impulsive and ill disciplined man.

Original poster
Focusing · 08/08/2026 06:14

I would never expect to keep the dog but I could at least see them. That’s all I would ask

OP posts:
Gengha · 08/08/2026 06:29

I’m so sorry. I think your reading of the situation is entirely accurate and I would think the marriage is over. He’s being crurk
to you knowing the grief this will cause and also happy to use another living sentient being as a pawn. How could you be with someone like that.

Likeiloveyou · 08/08/2026 06:46

He must truly hate you to do this.

So sorry, there’s no coming back from this. 💐

Pleasedontdoitagain · 08/08/2026 06:52

The absolute spitefulness of his behaviour is disgusting.
I'm so sorry OP.

Original poster
Focusing · 08/08/2026 07:11

When he got the dog, my dog had just died and I was upset, I told him I didn’t think he should get the dog because he couldn’t fully care for it in his living situation. This is why he shares the dog with his parents because I was right, he couldn’t look after a dog without their help. We were still in a relationship when the dog came along with plans to live together in the future, it wasn’t a casual RS. But because I had doubts about getting a dog some years ago all he ever says is ‘but you didn’t want the dog’ and holds that over my head.

OP posts:
trikonasanallama · 08/08/2026 07:16

Focusing · 08/08/2026 06:14

I would never expect to keep the dog but I could at least see them. That’s all I would ask

I don't think this is realistic - if I separated from my DP I would want a clean break, I wouldn't want him coming round to visit my dog.

timtamsarebetterthanpenguins · 08/08/2026 07:20

Focusing · 08/08/2026 07:11

When he got the dog, my dog had just died and I was upset, I told him I didn’t think he should get the dog because he couldn’t fully care for it in his living situation. This is why he shares the dog with his parents because I was right, he couldn’t look after a dog without their help. We were still in a relationship when the dog came along with plans to live together in the future, it wasn’t a casual RS. But because I had doubts about getting a dog some years ago all he ever says is ‘but you didn’t want the dog’ and holds that over my head.

It sounds like he’s right, though - you did have doubts and told him not to get the dog, so it’s no wonder he considers it “his” all these years later.

UninitendedShark · 08/08/2026 07:20

He does seem to be using the dog to upset you and if that’s the kind of man he is then you need to permanently end the relationship. You should make peace with not seeing the dog again. As sad as that is.

That said, I have a dog that I adopted before I adopted my husband (lol) and he loves her immensely, but she is my dog and in the event of a split I wouldn’t be entertaining any kind of custody arrangement.

Dozer · 08/08/2026 07:25

Your DH sounds awful and yes, this is deliberate by him to hurt you. You don’t say what he’s done, but imagine he’s not been good to you and might include emotional abuse.

Nothing you can do about the dog, sadly. It’s his dog, he doesn’t have to let you see it and given his behaviour towards you is very unlikely to. You were good to and had a bond with the dog, which means a lot, and the dog is still OK, though very sadly without you.

Would seek advice and support to get out of your relationship, sort housing and financial stuff asap. Expect your H to be nasty about everything.

VestibuleWeaver · 08/08/2026 07:29

Focusing · 08/08/2026 07:11

When he got the dog, my dog had just died and I was upset, I told him I didn’t think he should get the dog because he couldn’t fully care for it in his living situation. This is why he shares the dog with his parents because I was right, he couldn’t look after a dog without their help. We were still in a relationship when the dog came along with plans to live together in the future, it wasn’t a casual RS. But because I had doubts about getting a dog some years ago all he ever says is ‘but you didn’t want the dog’ and holds that over my head.

Look, it's his dog. None of this stuff changes anything. I'm quite sure that if it was your dog, and you kept it after the relationship ended, you would not entertain him regularly visiting it for the rest of its life.

Original poster
Focusing · 08/08/2026 07:35

We had not split up when he took the dog away, just not getting along but for me it’s sped up the process.

We still live together and will be for months. So he’s taken the dog away before we split up and knowing I have to live with him for an unknown period of time.

I understand it’s his dog but the whole thing is just so hurtful

OP posts:
Shedmistress · 08/08/2026 07:36

You guys need to get your house on the market and properly split.

Original poster
Focusing · 08/08/2026 07:38

Oh and he left all the dog beds and toys in the house for weeks just sitting there, empty. I’ve put them away now.

OP posts:
timtamsarebetterthanpenguins · 08/08/2026 07:38

You need to stop focusing on the dog and focusing on getting yourselves separated so you don’t need to deal with his shit anymore.

I understand it’s’ painful but the dog isn’t yours and the more you dwell on it and get upset, the longer you’re going to be stuck living in this situation. Use your upset to get angry and get this man out of your life for good.

zurigo · 08/08/2026 07:39

Wow - I can't believe you're questioning whether the relationship is over or not! This man is a controlling, cruel bastard who is deliberately doing this to hurt you.

Original poster
Focusing · 08/08/2026 07:43

He wanted to make our relationship work until a few days ago!

We are doing what we need, an EA is coming round today.

OP posts:
Yetanotherone12 · 08/08/2026 07:49

So he sorted the issues you pointed out by arranging shared care with his parents.

now you’re holding that against him saying he can’t care for the dog?

you both sound like you’re using the dog to emotionally manipulate the other one.

i agree with him tbh. Best thing for the dog is to go to his parents. He’s probably worried you’ll argue to keep the dog as you’re laying the groundwork to say you’re better placed to care for it. Removing out the home now means he doesn’t need to ask you to do anything for the dog and helps his case that the dog is fine with him.