Husband has taken the dog away during separation and I feel devastated

[Focusing]

My husband and I are going through the worst patch of our marriage. We are currently estranged and barely speaking, though we still share the house.

There has been a major breakdown of trust (not cheating), and while we’ve both made mistakes, his temper, lack of self-control, and past behaviour have pushed things to a breaking point.

The final straw seems to involve our dog. DH had the dog before we moved in together. I am incredibly attached to the dog and help care for him, but DH has always maintained strict control, making it clear it is "his" dog. In the past, I raised concerns about DH’s lack of patience with the dog and how heavily involved his parents are in the dog's care. This discussion was one trigger for our original fallout.

Recently, DH removed the dog from our marital home and took him to his parents' house. He refuses to bring him back, claiming the dog will "get confused" by the tension. It feels entirely malicious, punitive, and like a power play. I feel like he is jealous of my bond with the dog and is using him to punish me.

I miss the dog terribly and am heartbroken, but I don't feel comfortable approaching his parents. This feels like the final stab in the back. I realise I now need to detach from the dog and learn to live without him, but this situation has made me feel like I can no longer get past the hurt.

Is this level of control a definitive sign that the marriage is over? How do I cope with the grief of losing a pet while navigating a separation?

The best thing that can come out of this is knowing that the relationship is fully over.

Right now you’re in purgatory and you would end up staying there for years because he likes being the one in control of the relationship.

Do not talk to him about the dog - he’s enjoying the control and is using it as a weapon.

Hopefully in time you can see the dog through his parents.

Focus on finding somewhere else to live.

Yes you need to focus on your relationship is over. Get yourself organised to move out and never look back.

I wasn’t being cruel about my dog post yesterday just pointing out I would do the same. I had a dog before my DP moved in , if it was that strained and I had had parents as doggie minders I’d have taken the dog to theirs too for the dogs sake. There’s no way I’d have let my DP take my dog.

I now have rescue cats I adopted as kittens and feel the same about them. We’ve lived together 20years before the kittens but regardless of that they are mine and I’ve been with them every day since I rescued them. There’s no way I would allow my DP to keep them however much he also loves them. We are going through a bad patch currently and one of the big reasons I’ve not left are my cats as he will want to keep the house (which I own half of) and my cats as it’s their home.

How is the dog his if the dog was bought during the course of their relationship? I know it is a living creature, but the idea of owership is the same.

Surely, his actions over the dog are part of his controlling behaviour. What he says goes and the OP can not question it.

To the op: i really feel for you and your kids regarding the dog. It is very cruel. The dog will be suffering too, if you had a strong bond. However, the dog has gone, and now it would unfair on it to chop and change. Personally, I would get another one. Dogs are so special and a new one could help you and your kids through this (and obviously a lifelong companion - mn disclaimer!)

The op literally says he had the dog before they moved in together.

its his dog

It's his dog because he bought it before they lived together, that's how

Don’t feed into him trying to hurt you now.
bide your time.
when things are calmer, say to him and his parents if you’re ever going on holiday I’ll happily care for dog, he will be wondering what’s happened to me and I’d like to show him I’m still about and there for him.’
this will make it about the dogs feelings not yours and he might respond better (this is how I word my coparenting emails)

I’m sorry you are feeling sad that you can’t see the dog. It is however his dog and it’s in a better place away from a tense home. You and your children (I suspect they are not his, due to the focus on the dog?) will also be better away from a tense home. Put your energy into that.

At the moment the grief over the dog sounds a little like displaced grief over the relationship - once the dust settles on things, you’ll see it would not be good ownership on his part to leave an animal you are responsible for, in the hands of a person you no longer trust. He is doing what he sees is the best thing for his dependent, and your focus needs to be on doing the best thing for yours.

Of course you became attached to the dog and a shame hes taken it away.
Probably best to leave it and the on going games or divorce.
Do u have a pet? Get a cat?all of us die but its nice and good for the soul to pat and have a pet as comfort when us humans are so cruel sometimes.