Husband has taken the dog away during separation and I feel devastated

[Focusing]

My husband and I are going through the worst patch of our marriage. We are currently estranged and barely speaking, though we still share the house.

There has been a major breakdown of trust (not cheating), and while we’ve both made mistakes, his temper, lack of self-control, and past behaviour have pushed things to a breaking point.

The final straw seems to involve our dog. DH had the dog before we moved in together. I am incredibly attached to the dog and help care for him, but DH has always maintained strict control, making it clear it is "his" dog. In the past, I raised concerns about DH’s lack of patience with the dog and how heavily involved his parents are in the dog's care. This discussion was one trigger for our original fallout.

Recently, DH removed the dog from our marital home and took him to his parents' house. He refuses to bring him back, claiming the dog will "get confused" by the tension. It feels entirely malicious, punitive, and like a power play. I feel like he is jealous of my bond with the dog and is using him to punish me.

I miss the dog terribly and am heartbroken, but I don't feel comfortable approaching his parents. This feels like the final stab in the back. I realise I now need to detach from the dog and learn to live without him, but this situation has made me feel like I can no longer get past the hurt.

Is this level of control a definitive sign that the marriage is over? How do I cope with the grief of losing a pet while navigating a separation?

Dog or no dog your relationship is over.

And while I have little doubt his intention was malicious your husband is actually right. Dogs are very sensitive to bad atmosphere and he would be very stressed to be in the house with you both. My mother once caused a dog ulcerative colitis with her stress. I hope it will help you just a little bit to understand that he is in the best place for now.

He has caused the stress. I wouldn’t take the dog from him, he knows this but I never even got any say in this - we are married not in a casual relationship.

His parents have always had more say and responsibility of the dog than me, and this has been the cause of a large portion of our disagreements because I am his wife, and meant to be an equal partner.

Although I said don’t get a dog you can’t look after it on your own some years ago, and he has no patience with the dog, we now had the dog and I took most of the caring role with him. I was asking DH not to yell at the dog as much. One argument we had DH was apologising for upsetting me and tried to hug me, the dog jumped up on me from behind and then DH yelled at the dog to go away directly in my face.

DH barely walks the dog, can’t get up in the mornings to let the dog out. He is a shitty dog owner

I agree the dog is actually better cared for by his parents and I hope for the dogs sake he stays there now.

Seeing someone be such a crap pet owner is it’s own ick

He’s more than a crap pet owner.
It scares me, the amount of men who react like this to break ups, like, If I can’t have you, I’m going to take away everything.
I’ve watched too much murder 24/7 with abusive men recently (I know that’s extreme cases) but even in my own friendship circle, two divorces have gone very badly for the women, and whole divorce process was a power play for their exes who only cared about hurting them.

And trying to win me back but refusing to bring the dog home at the same time has just caused more endless issues and heartache. It wasn’t like we ended our RS and then he took the dog, he just took him without any warning.

I don’t want to keep the dog for myself, who knows if I can look after a dog by myself in the future I have a FT job. The dog is gone I know this. I’m so angry at him though I am struggling with this. He knows the dog is my weakest point and he has exploited this.

My kids want to see the dog he won’t let them either. Leaving the empty dog beds and toys all around the house just makes me hate him.

Who has done the bulk of caring for the dog? That is who the dog should stay with.

This is extremely cruel of him OP and I would file for divorce.

a) that's not how ownership works, and b) OP now says she doesn't want to take the dog.

His parents at this point.

So let me set the picture, my issue was that I wanted to pay a dog walker some days of the week rather than drop and collect the dog at his parents every single day. They live in an awkward area with parking and loads of traffic, and they don’t let you leave when you go to collect, you are trapped there chatting which adds so much extra time to your day and makes you really late.

It’s so inconvenient and I had been asking for a year if we could change up the situation. He refused because his parents like having the dog, and I was hurt because I felt like I’m not considered in any thing as his wife.

The marriage is over.
It is his dog.
Just get your own dog!

that is very upsetting to read op

Hopefully, this is the final straw for you to get away from this spiteful man.

Be prepared that he won’t make the sale of the house easy.

Sorry about the dog, but hopefully he is in a better place being looked after by his parents.

It's time to focus on the divorce and accept that the dog lives elsewhere now. In a few years time you will almost certainly be in a better place and hopefully living peacefully with your children. At that point you will be able to consider a new pet. If he is trying to distract you from the divorce then it's working.

Op you said he had to share his dogs care with his parents due to his lifestyle/living arrangements. This was before you even moved in together, so it seems that have had responsibilities for this dog for a while.

If that’s something he’s agreed with them, moving in or getting married wouldn’t change that unless it was something that was discussed and agreed to by everyone.

if the picking a dropping of the dog was inconvenient to you then the solution was to pass it on to him to do.

he has removed the dog to prevent stress and to protect himself as the owner. Was it out of spite? absolutely, was he wrong to do it? No.

I hate this for you and I hate that he treats the dog like shit. Sounds like a complete wanker. You are best rid of him he sounds horrendous. It is so sad bec the dog and you are clearly bonded and I am sure it is gut wrenching. The good thing is the dog is with his parents and hopefully they will be much kinder.
You could consult a lawyer. Do you have a trail of vet fees and proof you mostly bought and paid for things re the dog? Evidence of cruelty on his part? You may be able to get legal advice and fight for the dog.

@beAsensible1 I have tried to compromise on this a lot as I do understand it, and it was just that it was impacting our marriage, he was always so late home every evening, everyone was tired hungry and ratty and I was suggesting this to improve our relationship and make more time for us, on the one hand he would have to leave early and get home late on the other hand all he did was complain he never saw me enough.

Plus I did not ever agree to this as a forever arrangement it was temporary until we moved in but then his parents retired after that and he doesn’t want to spend money on a dog walker or even ask his parents to come to our house or drop the dog off to us. Loads of possible suggestions were made but ultimately our marriage is also between us and his parents, he’s so enmeshed with them. His mum is often horrible and badly behaved so she isn’t always nice company so I felt like healthy distance and less reliance on them would be good for everyone

It makes sense that the dog has gone to the parents and it is unfair for the dog to be around tension or arguing all day.

Do you not get on with his parents?

I would be heartbroken too but it’s just part of separating isn’t it.
There was always going to be a time when you didn’t see the dog and this had just confirmed that the relationship is over.

How come you’re still living together?

I don’t understand this maybe getting back together thing - separate or don’t.
You can’t have this middle thing where you’re not together but not actually separated.
It just means neither of you can heal or move on.

You mention DC: if they live with you, the dog is a much lesser issue, but yes, extra shit of your H to do that to them, too.

I can’t face his parents I don’t know what he’s told everyone. I’ve not heard from one single member of his family and I was close to some of them. He had been emotionally abusing me and I had told them but he is playing the victim.

@chocoluv he had been trying to get back together with me and when I started to soften and crack he turned on me again.

Yet there are many women posters saying they would do the same with their pet. Are they controlling, cruel and hurtful too or are they fine?

You don’t know his intention, you’re guessing.

I think people are too quick to jump to a motivation of spitefulness; he is doing the right thing by the dog.

I said I have little doubt, I didn't even write "there is little doubt". I wrote the post to reassure the OP, part of which was agreeing with her opinion that it was malicious on his part.

I don't need you to agree with me thanks.

Grieve the loss of the dog and let the memory of your STBEH twattery, be the catalyst for getting as far away from this man as possible. This man’s behaviour has been appalling for years and if he hadn’t upped the ante by removing the dog, you’d still be open to staying married to him. It doesn’t feel like it now but he’s done you a favour.

Focus your energies where on things that are to your well-being and number one on that list is divorcing your H.

If you read my comment you will see that I was saying she needs to prepare to lose her relationship with the dog as well as the BF. Because it is his dog.
However, him removing the dog to his parents just to punish her emotionally was a dick move and just nasty.

I’m sorry OP, but it is his dog. It makes the breakup even harder I know, but you have no claim. In the end a clean break is better for everyone even if hard in the meantime.

Without wishing to sound brutal, dogs don’t have long lives, or at least not as long as humans . Losing them sort of goes with the territory, albeit not under these circumstances. I am sorry though that you have this extra wrench to deal with.