Am I going to end up a single mum 😭

[Planningfortheworst]

Sorry, this will be long.
Married 14 months, have an 8 month old.
Husband was the one to first speak about me coming off the pill, I was thrilled as have wanted children for a long time, got pregnant the first month. During pregnancy husband tells me he wanted me to stop taking the pill as the pill decreases my sex drive, once I was pregnant he didn't feel ready for it and felt it was a mistake essentially.
Was supportive during most of my pregnancy despite the above comments and I think in hindsight he was very stressed, but would procrastinate and everything was left to me, eg sorting the nursery, buying everything etc. Excellent support during the birth but once we got home I was on my own with our baby for the first two weeks as we couldn't get the cot into the main bedroom without taking it apart so he would go to bed for the night and leave it all to me. Continued to play video games and wouldn't do "shifts" overnight so we could each get some rest, at one point would stay up until 6am but not be looking after the baby, then go to sleep until 2pm and then work 5-9. Basically I feel I do 80% even now. He agrees to do more but it doesn't always happen. We argue a lot, he breaks stuff ( not in front of me and not as a threat but it's still not good). Then he's got a vasectamy, now that is the right choice for him and I did agree with him getting it because he feels having one child has broken him, so there's no way it would be fair on anyone to have another. But I'm so sad. I wanted a big family, when he was having a better time during my pregnancy he also said he wanted more - we talked about 4 if possible. And now I feel he's taken that away from me. My little one is 8 months now and I'd have wanted to start trying for a second one around now. It just makes me so sad how on different pages we are.
I just don't know if I can get past it or if I'm always going to be unhappy with the decision being made for me essentially. We're not happy and I just wonder if I'm going to end up a single parent. My little one deserves better and I'd give him the world if I could but I'll never be able to give him a sibling now 😭 I'm so upset

Please leave this man. You will ruin your life staying with him.

Yes you need to leave. This is done and will not get better. I am so sorry but you need to make plans.

You shouldn’t be embarrassed or worried about what your family think about your marriage only lasting a short amount of time. Be more worried staying married and wasting your precious life!

Sorry you're having to deal with this idiot. Can't believe he just wanted you off the pill for an increased sex drive without thinking through the implications of bringing a human being into the world. Between that and the gaming and only working part-time yet being so precious about his sleep, he sounds utterly irresponsible. I know you feel sensitive about the marriage not lasting long, but you shouldn't have to live like this, clinging onto crumbs like him washing baby bottles and worrying about him being depressed. He's a huge drain on you by the sounds of things and being a single parent would be better than having him being a constant letdown.

As for future DC, none of us can control that really, and you have your hands full with an 8mo so park those thoughts and focus on doing what's best for you and the the DC you have. And that's what's really best for you, not how you're worried about family perceiving things. They don't have to be married to him!

I think you need to stop being upset about hypothetical future children you won't have with him and focus on the child you actually do have with him who he does nothing for and doesn't really want

Being a single mum is not a reason to cry or feel like a failure.

I am a single mum and every day I feel empowered by my decisions, proud that I am doing everything for my babies and all the resentment of having a partner do nothing is gone.

Being a single mum is the best thing I have ever done!

One Poster said it's not the 1970s: I had my DCs then, so did most of my neighbours (all the men worked together and we lived in tied houses). The Dads mostly did a lot for and with the DCs, plus housework and gardening. They all worked shift and most of them came home dirty and smelly. All pulled together with us "Mums". Please don't brand all 1970s Dads the same. They did different and I think they all challenged each other about who did the most with the DCs (not Disney Dads). My other friends had DHs who were also the same.

Why does he only work 20 hours a week?

All of this!
You are already a single mum.

Ignore your family's judgement, they are not living it. If they are decent, they will support you. If they don't support you and instead judge you for doing what's right for you, then they don't deserve to be in your life.

Your husband's depression is not yours to manage, and ultimately if you stay with him, you will end up resentful and potentially depressed.

He sounds bloody awful! Talking about wanting a family, then telling you to go off the pill, then when you are pregnant claiming he only wanted your sex drive up not an actual pregnancy 😱! Then talking about 4 kids with you but having a vasectomy.

He won't look for a better job 😞 just another issue. He pays his half of the bills but it's only because I own the house outright and we don't have to pay a mortgage, that he can afford to work that much.

Does he even love his child? Bonds with them? Cares for them, plays with them, etc.? From your posts, it sounds like the answers are No and I'd be extremely worried about your child growing up with a parent who doesn't love them. He breaks stuff you say and "wouldn't like being woken up by crying" rather than comforting his child? It sounds like you could never trust him to care for your child on his own (that personally would make me really worried he'd neglect or mistreat them). You're already solo parenting, by the sound of it, and you both want different lives. I think you know the answer to your question. I'm so sorry you're in this situation ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

So you own the house, he lives there rent free and so can work very part time and enjoy his leisure without any responsibilities towards his own child. Meanwhile you are worrying about money and having to go back to work doing 12.5hr shifts?
He games whilst you do the night shifts and early starts? He’s not even supporting you, let alone doing what he should as a father! What exactly does he bring to the party; apart from walking the dog and a bit of light housework?
He has got quite the life! Did he have a vasectomy without discussing it with you? I find that amazing and another way he’s showing you that you aren’t a team. He is treating you with utter contempt. Please find someone to talk to IRL, there’s no way I’d sit by and watch a friend put up with this. Single parenthood is hard and it sounds as though you’d be solo, he sounds as useless as my children’s Dad and they haven’t seen him for years. However, how is it harder than the parasitical arrangement you have now? He’s living his best life at the expense of yours. Disentangle yourself now before your child is affected by the dynamic in the house.

If this is the case don’t leave now. He sounds pretty useless but if you’re on a shift will presumably manage a few hours with the baby. I would plan to stay with him until you’ve done the 3 months then see where you are. If nothing’s improved then make plans to leave

How has having a child broken him when he does nothing for said child. He needs to grow up and recognise his choices have consequences and in this case the consequence is 18 years of actively parenting his child, whether he lives with you or not.

Jeezo get rid of this useless man. At least you’re in a good position with it being your home.

He's good with him when he's with him. That's what I've always said to him - he's a good father he just needs to do more of it. My son loves him too.
Another argument this morning which led to me saying he was a horrible person and I don't know if we're going to work. He's now saying just get it over with if you don't think it's going to work. Telling me not to speak to him or interact with him over the weekend. Saying I don't value what he does etc

Yikes, honestly I'd split sooner rather than later because if the marriage if longer, he'll be able to take a chunk of your house (and it is yours at this point as he puts nothing in, but legally its all shared so any split from a substantial marriage will mean he gets half) and he sounds just the selfish type to do so. So despite your social concerns, a shorter marriage will be much wiser for you. If you wait, he won't change and things will be worse when you inevitably divorce then you'll look back to this point and think why the hell didn't I get out when it was so clear?

I agree with PP, life as a single mum would be superior to life with this Wankbadger.

Good fathers don't act like he's acting. Kids love terrible parents, so don't use 'my son loves him' as a reason to stay. He's lazy, selfish and acts shitty to you. Even he's telling you to split. Why should you value what he does? Sorry, but being a single mum will be so much better than dealing with a manchild like him.

This is a good point. His family are rich so I think they'd support him but it would be horrible to lose half of what I've worked so hard for.
He agreed a while back he would take solo care of our son for 1.5-2 hours a day, 5 days a week. It's been patchy but when he does do it I feel a lot better just being able to rest for a little bit or get jobs done that are hard to do when there's a baby with you. Yesterday he forgot about taking him out and when I got back home with our son he still had other things to do so didn't take him out because he had no time before work - but did have half an hour to lecture me. He's taken him today but really why the fuck do I need to argue and negotiate for him to look after his own son. It's not like I'm asking him to do me a favour, it's his son.

Please start making plans to separate. His mental health is HIS problem, not yours, you've enough on your plate already. Why's he only working so few hours anyway? Sounds like a man-child who wanted you to be his substitute mother and can't accept you having a more important dependant of your child! Get your ducks in a row, take professional advice about separation, etc.

Only you know what is best OP but I will say you will get a lot of comments saying ‘just leave’ like it is that simple.

Do you love him?
Do you see a future with him?
Is this something you can work through?

My DH and I went through a really tough time when our baby was the same
age, honestly I hated him!!! having a baby is so so hard on relationships and no one really talks about it enough. Men do struggle as well - they often feel obsolete. Our relationship is amazing now but it took time and work. It really depends if you want to stay with this man. In terms of having more children don’t make that decision in the midst of having an 18 month old - it’s chaos at that point. I think you are being unreasonable to expect that from him when he is struggling with one and I think you need to stop imagining a perfect family image as that’s dangerous and often disappointing in reality. As for him, he absolutely needs to step up and needs direction- have you actually had an open discussion with him?

How long have you been together in total

Why would you even of considered a 2nd child with someone who doesn’t want the 1st . You should want to leave .

You’re basically just supporting a useless extra person who is just in your house braking things and having arguments. And the stupid comment he made about only suggesting you go off birth control so you’d have a higher sex drive, not because he wanted a child, just highlights how immature and self-centred he is. He’s not thinking about the future he’s thinking about his wants now. You need to focus on yours and your child’s needs because it doesn’t like he’s considering you two at all.