Am I going to end up a single mum 😭

[Planningfortheworst]

Sorry, this will be long.
Married 14 months, have an 8 month old.
Husband was the one to first speak about me coming off the pill, I was thrilled as have wanted children for a long time, got pregnant the first month. During pregnancy husband tells me he wanted me to stop taking the pill as the pill decreases my sex drive, once I was pregnant he didn't feel ready for it and felt it was a mistake essentially.
Was supportive during most of my pregnancy despite the above comments and I think in hindsight he was very stressed, but would procrastinate and everything was left to me, eg sorting the nursery, buying everything etc. Excellent support during the birth but once we got home I was on my own with our baby for the first two weeks as we couldn't get the cot into the main bedroom without taking it apart so he would go to bed for the night and leave it all to me. Continued to play video games and wouldn't do "shifts" overnight so we could each get some rest, at one point would stay up until 6am but not be looking after the baby, then go to sleep until 2pm and then work 5-9. Basically I feel I do 80% even now. He agrees to do more but it doesn't always happen. We argue a lot, he breaks stuff ( not in front of me and not as a threat but it's still not good). Then he's got a vasectamy, now that is the right choice for him and I did agree with him getting it because he feels having one child has broken him, so there's no way it would be fair on anyone to have another. But I'm so sad. I wanted a big family, when he was having a better time during my pregnancy he also said he wanted more - we talked about 4 if possible. And now I feel he's taken that away from me. My little one is 8 months now and I'd have wanted to start trying for a second one around now. It just makes me so sad how on different pages we are.
I just don't know if I can get past it or if I'm always going to be unhappy with the decision being made for me essentially. We're not happy and I just wonder if I'm going to end up a single parent. My little one deserves better and I'd give him the world if I could but I'll never be able to give him a sibling now 😭 I'm so upset

To add - we co-sleep. My husband is in the spare room and I've said would he come back into the main bedroom if I can get our little one into the cot and he said no, he'll only come back into the main bedroom once our little one is in his own room as he can't cope being woken overnight by crying. He works part time and none of his shifts are before 4:30 pm so he doesn't even have to be up super early

It sounds like you’re already a single parent with a totally useless partner. Speaking as a single parent myself you’d almost certainly be better off on your own. A stress free life without a man child is easier.

I just thought by now he would have got into the swing of things and stepped up. He does wash the bottles and does a lot of the household jobs like laundry and hoovering and walks the dog the majority of the time so it's not like he does absolutely nothing, but I just feel like he should do more, it feels like there's such an imbalance and when I say this he doesn't see it! I'd hate to leave him because I think he'd really become depressed, in fact I think he already is depressed but he won't admit it, but also the judgement from my family at my marriage only lasting just over a year 😞

Darling send a hug, life is so short. Get your sizzle together and go. Things change and you may met a man who will take you and little one as if it where his own and want to give you more babies. Don’t waste anymore time when you know what your years ahead look like. Children change things and it’s ok that it’s not for everyone. Don’t waste your days unhappy. I’m sorry but although it will be tough your more or less doing it all yourself now. His not worrying about you, why are you worry about him?

My life was like this. Then I had an unplanned second child and it got worse! Leave. You will not regret it.

You could be so much happier as a single Mum who isn’t constantly dragged down by someone else’s moods. Your family might be judgemental but they’d get over it and they aren’t the ones living your life. You aren’t responsible for your husband’s depression just like he isn’t responsible for providing you with more children that he doesn’t want. You owe him nothing. You owe yourself and your child a chance of happiness.

I think you would have a much nicer life as a single mum in the long run. To clarify, is he working just 4 hours a day, is that 5-9pm?
Are you on mat leave?

Yeah he works short hours, 20 a week.
I'm on maternity leave until the end of the year, but I don't know how I'd manage going back and working 12.5hour day/night shifts. I think I'd have to go back for three months so as not to have to pay back the enhanced NHS bit, and then leave but I'm not even sure how I'd manage those 3 months. I can live incredibly frugally and have done in the past so think I'd be ok for about a year and a half but that would wipe out all my savings

Sounds like you’re already a single parent, the only difference is you’ll have one less load of washing to do.

Very similar situation happened to a someone I know. She said when he left her life actually became easier because she only had a baby to fend for now and not a grown man too. She said she was doing exactly the same as always on the childcare front but without bearing the additional responsibility of having to ensure he had clean work clothes, could eat whatever she fancied for dinner and watch what she wanted on tv. She loved it! It’s not always a negative.

Your husband sounds like a child, if he isn’t adding to your life then why are you with him?

Just leave. I had the same and he stole some if my most precious time with my little baby. You're already a single mum - just to two babies. His mental health isn't your responsibility when he really couldn't care less about you. Lots of men start this once a baby comes and they feel they've trapped you.

Is there a reason he’s only working part time now he has a family to provide for? It’s not as though he’s dedicating the rest of his time to being an engaged hands on father.
Honestly op, think about your future here. Don’t be here in a years time having not made a change to your life, you only get one to live.
He needs to up his game when you go back for those 3 months, baby can be in nursery/childminders (or with a family member if you have a willing grandparent) - but you will need to sit together and talk through the logistics of how it’s going to work practically, it’s not all on you, this baby is both of yours. Thank god he’s had the snip and can’t reproduce anymore children he’s too lazy to parent.

My last relationship turned out to be quite controlling, it just took me years to see. He "future faked" I think people call it - strung me along for years that we'd get married and we'd have children, but there was always a reason why it wasn't yet. When I finally found someone who gave me everything I'd been dreaming of, I thought it was perfect. The fact that I'm now seeing it isn't perfect and he's had long enough to adjust to being a parent is why I'm at this point of questioning now. If we do go our separate ways, then I don't think I'll want another relationship again

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. Fundamentally, you have to do what you feel is right but I’m personally with the PPs - free yourself from this manchild.

You're essentially a single parent, doing all the work. IMO, you can take control over this situation by having a frank conversation with him about the things that are bothering you. He’ll either sort his shit out or he’ll show his true colours.

The person saying he isn't responsible for providing me with more children is completely right. I was crying about it last night and this morning because it physically hurts when I think about it, I usually don't think about it but I couldn't stop last night. And he says he is sorry he can't be that person but that he can't keep apologising for not being enough because that's not good for his mental health either which I totally agree with
It all just makes me so sad that we can't get it together and make it work

This. I’m a single mum whose ex behaved much the same. Life was much happier, relaxed, carefree after we left. Don’t waste your life because of embarrassment or guilt.

He has let you down at the most vulnerable time of your life. He is letting your child down daily.

Leave OP, while baby is still young enough to know no different. It’s far better being a single mum than it is being in such a lonely relationship.

Please give yourself a chance at happiness.

Having a new baby is a massive upheaval, but it really sounds as if he needs to grow up and step up.
I do think the cosleeping thing is something you could resolve that can’t be helping - baby is old enough to go in a cot in his own room now.
I would get this sorted so it is eliminated as a bone of contention and then work on the other stuff - it does sound as if you have mismatched expectations and he is stuck firmly in the 1970s expecting you to do it all while you quite reasonably have 21st century expectations that the man carries half the load. This can only be resolved by communication. I would say that when my husband was working and I was on mat leave I didn’t expect him to get up in the night, to me the roles were most easily defined at that point and it got harder once I was back at work.,

He had no business getting a vasectomy when you’d discussed having multiple children! That is not a good sign but perhaps it was an extreme overreaction.

I don’t think you’re at single mum territory yet but there’s clearly a lot of work to do on this relationship. It’s worth trying though for your child. For the people saying “leave” - how good is your job and earning power? I’d think carefully through the finances first.

Every couple struggles during the young children stage. Could you get a babysitter once every couple of weeks, dress up and go out for drinks/dinner? This is a lifesaver during these years.

Just remind yourself that you are enough, and a man isn’t needed for you to have a fulfilled and happy life. If one comes along and he improves your life and loves and cares for you then great, but if not then you will be fine.

Why would you want more kids with a man like this? He sounds awful. I assume he’s on a high salary so only needs to work 20 hours a week, if not why isn’t he working more? Also having a child has broken him yet he does nothing and just games and go to work for a few hours? He sounds like a selfish prick.

OP does he have a relationship with your child? Does he play with them, feed them, bathe them, walk them around rocking them when they're upset? Take them to the park? Because if he is not doing all those things, I would fall out of love with him very quickly.

It sounds like you should cut your losses and leave now. You could meet someone else and have more children.

When you get back to work, it often gets easier-and remind him that if you're working the same hours as him, he'll be doing half the work! He'll have to start doing more now, otherwise he won't know what he's doing then.
He should be doing things anyway, but one idea might be book some KIT (keeping in touch) days at work-and leave him to it! He'll maybe realise how selfish he's been.
If you were thinking of staying off work longer, I wouldn't risk it with this man.

Leave him. I’m actually disgusted by him….

It was his idea. He is a married man who told his wife he wanted a child and then turned on her when it obviously came true. He could have just been honest and said he worried about your sex drive and could you think about alternative contraception.

Then when you had your baby he abandoned you. Reverted to being a teenager, doesn’t do his bit and acts like his child is a horrible burden.

He is monstrous.

If you want another baby at some point leave him now. Don’t waste your life with him. You’ll be resentful forever otherwise.

He had every right to have a vasectomy. His body his choice.