Weird behaviour

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I need a bit of advice..I have been with my partner for a year now, he has two children from two previous relationships and I have three boys of my own.

My partner has never really bonded with his son (he’s 7). He was conceived after 4 months of casual dating and although he stayed with the Mum for around 4 years in total, the absent bond is very noticeable, to the point where it can sometimes be awkward when we’re all together.

My boys love his eldest child (11 year
old girl) but really struggle with the boy. He’s very hyperactive and he is very dependent, in ways such as he can’t wipe his own bottom, he can’t fasten his own seat belt, he can’t cut his food up and doesn’t really eat anything, but the thing that really bothers everyone in the home is that he has a strange obsession with touching my children’s bottoms. It’s pretty much constant and my sons repeatedly tell him to stop, as does my partner but it’s getting out of hand now and my sons (15, 11 & 9) are saying they don’t want him in the house anymore as they don’t feel safe.
I need to stress it’s been going on for months, and my partner tells me he has raised this with his Mum but this last fortnight, he has asked my 11 year old if he wants to see his bum, bent down and asked my 9 year old to touch it and also walked into my 15 year old showering (you can hear the shower downstairs, never mind upstairs! And also strips off entirely naked when using the toilet and leaves the door wide open so everyone can see everything! Again, my partner tells him every single time and he just keeps doing it. He tends to deny it even when he’s caught but my concern is that all 3 of my children are asking me to help them.
Ive told my partner that from now on, he may need to see this child away from our home but that means we won’t see each other as his 2 days off are spent with his children.
I’ve asked my boys whether any other areas have been touched and they assure me it’s just the bottom.

Am I being unreasonable or is this just the end of the road?

What an odd child.

I wonder why he's like this.

I’ve no idea but at that age, I feel like all children are more than aware of PANTS through the NSPCC or other alternatives taught through school and even if he didn’t, why is he not listening when he’s being told.

But I feel like it’s making my partner choose and it’s not going to work, I just can’t see I have any other option other than to ask that he doesn’t come into my home.

This child clearly has some additional needs. Your BF needs to seek help. The fact that he can't/won't clean his own bum aged 7 is a huge red flag, as are the other age inappropriate behaviours. If his ex wont' deal with it, he must.

He needs to see a GP asap to get a referral for specialist support - I have no idea what that looks like and suspect it will be a process, but it could be psychological, or that he's ND. Who knows. But until he actually makes an effort to do something about it, nothing will change.

He could possibly have some undiagnosed learning disabilities which I think it could be given at this age there are things he cannot do but with his obsession with bottoms, I am truly sorry to even go there, but I do hope nothing sinister has happened to him when younger. I've read about this kind of behaviour in abuse victims. I am also not for one second suggesting your partner! It just all sounds like the boy needs help regardless.

I would definitely keep him away from your sons as it's not fair on them.

I completely agree with you! I just felt bad for thinking it.

Would you stop him seeing your children? Unfortunately, that would impact my relationship but my children come first.

Thankyou so much for your response.

I agree!

This isn't even a question. He can't be allowed around other children until he stops trying to molest them.

It’s a matter for your partner and his ex to sort. I would have boundaries now of no contact with the child for the time being

Well, I wouldn't be with a man who wasn't dealing with what is obviously a significant challenge his son is experiencing. sorry to be harsh, but I've seen this sort of thing in our wider family and the reality is that without intervention, things don't get better so I don't really understand why he hasn't done anything. he's not "bonded"? well, obviously not - so that might be the reason his son is liek this, or perhaps it's because his son is like this. But either way, it's his responsibiltiy (and the boy's mother's responsibilty) to address this and he hasn't/isn't.

So in short, yes, I would not be letting this child around your children for now and I'd be quite comfortable with the relationship dying back a bit while your BF deals with his son's needs, and prioritises those.

Your partner needs to speak with the school. If he's wiping his own bum at school and not touching his classmates then it could "just" be attention seeking for his dad which family therapy could help with. But school will be able to point DP towards the right resources.

I really pity his older sister though and seriously hope she has privacy and space at her mum's. If she doesn't then social services need to be informed.

He’s not opening his bowels at school, because they won’t wipe it! Mum
wipes it at home with wet wipes and flushes them apparently..and co sleeps…

older sister is with a different Mum!

I would be worried here. Is he copying some behaviour - is there someone who is asking to touch / see his privates? Is there someone around when he showers? Is he encouraged to be naked in front of others?
Kids copy adult behaviours... even if they don't like or understand them.

You've been allowing his son to touch your kids' private areas for months and now he's walking in on them in the shower.

Your kids have told you they don't feel safe in their own home. It's time for you to finally take action and ban him from the home.

Your bf sounds like a terrible parent.. He's negligent in not getting evaluations for his son showing these kinds of behaviours. He's showing signs of possible sexual abuse. Has your bf talked to the school or his doctor? I think the son needs intervention asap and I'd report.

It’s strange because when my partner asks him, he either denies it or says he doesnt
know why he does it.
My partner makes him wash himself but his Mum washes him at home, wipes his bum, brushes his teeth for him etc.

My ultimate concern is my children and of course my partners daughter is another concern.
But for three boys to voice that they dont feel comfortable, you can’t ignore it can you.

Sounds like he's ND - I've seen this kind of thing a lot. But you're reasonable to want him kept away from your DC.

Not that im aware of, he’s mentioned it to the boys Mum and she just said “yeah, i dont know why he does it” but for me it screams safeguarding.
Ive contemplated reporting it actually.

Tell your partner he can only stay at yours when he doesn't have his 7 year old with him. Does he stay at his mum's? Your kids comfort comes first.

The child doesn’t sleep out, my partner does an 80 mile trip Sunday and in the holidays a Wednesday too.
Id never allow him to sleep over, but i dont really want him in the house now either.

So denial would make sense. If (big if) someone is doing this to him - sure as hell they are denying it too!

The bottom touching of other children is a safeguarding concern. It can be a sign of sexual abuse. Do you know if he's touched other children at school? If so, the school would have raised this as a safeguarding issue. I say this as someone who works in a school, and has had safeguarding training. It's a very big red flag.

I agree with others, it sounds as if your partner's son has additional needs. If the poor child's Mum isn't willing to step up for him, then your partner needs to do so. The boy needs to be seen by a GP, and a possible referral made. The bottom touching could be to do with any additional needs he may have, but equally it might not be.

I can absolutely understand why your own children aren't happy with having the boy in the house. It's making them feel uncomfortable and therefore unsafe.

If your partner isn't willing to step up for his son, then I'm afraid I would be considering ending the relationship. Your partner is equally responsible for his son, as is his Mum. Ignoring the behaviour won't make it go away, it will become worse. Your priority has to be your own children.

I agree with you.

He has done a complete 360 and said they all come as a package so I either accept it and sit them all down (again) and tell them it’s wrong and wait for it to happen again or it’s over!

Listen to your children. For you, they come first.

”…saying they don’t want him in the house anymore as they don’t feel safe.”

Thats what you have to take heed of. Your children don’t feel safe, so protect them. If that means splitting up, so be it. Their safety and feelings are paramount in this situation.

Regarding the boys situation, his mother is not helping. She needs to stop pandering to him, and/or get him referred. Her approach to him and his capabilities are not usual. However, his problems are for his parents to sort out, and not for you and your children to accommodate.

This child sounds disabled.

I think he should take some time to protect his kids, and yours.

His son needs time to learn to socialise and he cant do that somewhere where he is a problem. He is not ready for a relationship.

You cant do much more than end things to rightly protect your children.

I'd have concerns he's been abused. That sort of behaviour is often exhibited in children who are modelling what someone else has done to them.

Is there a step father?

Put your DC first OP.

Tell him to take a hike. Your children feeling safe in your home should be your highest priority.

His son touching your kids' bottoms and walking in on them nude is a zero tolerance thing. And it's been going on for months now. This is as big as the Red Flags come.

Does he do this to his sister too?

Like I said, I would report.

Is your kids' dad involved? You could find your kids moving to his or social services involved if you don't stop this immediately.