What do you do if you just found out your partner cheated on you, but it was a long time ago?

[anamethatsnotmine]

Quick background, DP and I together 10 years. Year 2 of our relationship was long distance, before we got together DP was quite promiscuous. When we got together we didn't have any STI checks. Anyhow fast forward 3 years and I had an ectopic pregnancy, tube removed due to extensive chlymidia infection . DP and I sat down and talked about it and he thought it had come from a girl he had been sleeping with before me.

Here we are now 7 years on we have 2 small DC and very happy. The other day I went to get a coil fitted and we started talking about when I was last tested for and STIs ect. She looked at my records and mentioned 'oh yes you had one in 2xxx and 2xxx and 2xxx. Now one of these years was a year after DP and I had got together and the test was negative .

Now I may be stupid but I didn't quite twig at the time what it meant, but realised the other day that if I didn't have Chylmidia after a year of sleeping with him its fairly likely that he caught it after we were together fucker wanker.

So I was on the laptop the other night reading up on it and trying to find out if it was likely that I just hadn't caught it for more than a year when he walks in and says oh "ha ha ha something your not telling me" looking at the screen, so I said actually I think theres something your not telling me and I told him about the fact that I had been tested a year after we got together and it was negative.

He went as white as a sheet and just stared at the ground. TBH though I don't feel very angry about it, I think because it was so long ago and pre DC and we hadn't been together long it doesn't seem the same as if he was to go and sleep with somebody else now.

But heres the real crux of the situation, he is refusing to talk about it. Everytime i've brought it up he just goes weird and stares at the floor which is really unlike him. I think that if he had said straight off the bat, "look i'm sorry I fucked up and i've felt shit about it ever since, I'll never do it again" I would've been able to forget about it, but now I am getting wound up that he obviously doesn't think I deserve an apology and if I do keep asking for one then he is only apoligising because I have told him too.

Can anybody shed any light on what they would do in this situation, or how they would feel?

Thanks for reading if you got this far

Namechange natch

Firstly, hats off to you, you sound remarkable calm and rational.

Secondly, it sounds like something's up rather than 'just' guilt if he's the reasonable type the fact that he hasn't apologised implies there is more to it.

Time for a serious chat with an open mind and heart?

d'you know i think id have exactly the same reaction as you.
what would i do? ummmm...post on mn and ask for advice probably as i dont have the first idea.

i think id prob sit him down and explain how i feel; first that the 'crime' itself, im not actually that bothered about but that the current reaction is really irksome and what i want to hear is xxxx and the fact i havnt heard it makes me feel xxxx and what does he think about that?

It sounds a little as though whatever he did with whoever was in some way an upsetting experience for him. Perhaps he was very drunk at the time and had, for years, convinced himself that nothing 'actually' happened. Perhaps he was even not really consenting to whatever happened. I think you probably do need a calm but serious chat about it all.

Madamez put it better than me, but that's what I'm thinking too.

madamez, that was the exact reaction that I have had, he seems totally embarrased and weird

I just thought it was because he had been caught out after so long

I think I would explain to him, that no matter what happened, the past is the past, BUT ... you lost a tube, and felt like shit then, so if for no other reason than that, you deserve an explanation.

The thing is, it might be a long time ago for him, but for you it just happened. You need to be clear with him, that sweeping it under the carpet is not an option. Would couple counselling be an option? Perhaps he would find it easier to open up with a neutral referee present.
You are a couple - this is a huge thing to deal with and he needs to acknowledge it.
What would I do - well I would be following him around the house nagging at him until he gave in and answered all the questions I would undoubtedly have.

rosa I am doing the nagging thing, but he just totally clams up and goes weird and then I get angry because I think fuck you actually you should be begging me for forgiveness I shouldn't be following you asking if you would be so kind as to apologise

Asked him about it last night again, he is refusing to talk and asked if he could write it all down

God this isn't going to be good is it

Could it be that he is feeling guilty not only about cheating but also about the fact that it contributed to the EP?

i should bloody hope so

sorry, feeling angry this morning

Has he given you an explanation yet?

That's understandable! I know I'd be feeling v angry! Is his suggestion of writing it all down still an option?

Shit a brick, i can't believe im going to type this but, i actually feel a tinsy bit sorry for him. AND you of course.

I think the fact that he is wanting to write it down is indicative of the fact that actually, this is really bothering him. So he probably feels like a complete shit (rightly so) and is mortified. But at least he is looking like he is going to be completely honest about it, which credit to him for that.

You have been together for 10 years, so hopefully, thats for keeps. You have two wonderful children and it also sounds like you have been through alot together. Two years into our relationship, DP and i were still long distance and i don't think if i asked him if he felt i was the "one" i would have heard what i wanted to hear. We have been together 16 years now. What i am trying, badly, to say is:

Of course this needs bringing out in the open, and he needs slapping around the side of the face with a wet salmon, but i wonder how healthy it would be to want to dissect it all. It is certainly going to be hurtfull. What you are needing is reassurance that this was a one off and that you can trust him now. It would be awfully tragic if this was to cause a rift between you, if, until your visit to the clinic you were a happy family. Nothing is going to change what has happened in the past, if what you have is good now you both need to move and try to forgive and forget. Easier said than done because i would be devestated and probably posting on here asking what the hell to do.

Don't push this, tell him to write it down and then you will discuss it and put it to bed.

I really hope you can sort this out xx

It does sound like he feels guilty. And at least he's trying to find a way to tell you about it.

(A little bit of me worries that he plans to lie about it, and figures writing will make that easier - is that the kind of thing he'd do?)

Oh God. No it doesn't sound great - but - maybe he just needs to get it straight in his own head, and it is far from that atm, so he might be better placed to write it down first.

Tbh, if things are good now, and you are sure he isn't wandering as it were at the moment, and doesn't want to, I would think it might be something you can get past.

This reaction is exactly like my ex - when caught having had an affair for four years, he went very white, silent, refused to talk, answered monosyllabically, lied a LOT during these answers, (so be careful, he might embellish or try to exonerate) and wouldn't open up to anyone involved.

If someone can do this sort of thing to begin with you need to be aware quite how deep their capacity to lie can be

But...your partner sounds like he is ashamed, and it is in the past and he is happy with you now. Which was not really the case with mine.

You're absolutely right - you should not be the one asking him to apologise.

Wait and see approach thus far I think - and I am so sorry about your tube x

(you might get very angry later about this - be prepared for this reaction, it's normal)

I didn't mean that post to sound so pessimistic or harsh - just one side of it. Also my ex would never have offered to write it down.

I get so angry about this sort of thing. For me the worst thing would be the fact that he risked your health so much and now he's feeling wierd about it. Tough! I guess he probably won't open up if you're really angry about it but to be honest I'd find it impossible to not scream and yell. As you say, the cheating thing is almost forgiveable, it's a long time ago, your relationship has been great since and it was obviously a silly stupid thing he did, the thing that would fuck me off more than anything would be the fact you had to have major surgery and faced the possibility of infertility because he didn't have the manners to stick a condom on when he was cheating on you. For that reason alone you deserve an explanation.

Yes before the coil visit we we're happy. He does have a flirty side but he is not somebody I have ever considered to be the unfaithful type.

He does seem ashamed and bloody embarrased and I should hope he is. I told him last night that I am asking for an explanation and an apology and I want it soon. I told him again this morning that I expect an answer today, so we shall see what happens. But I don't want to know the details tbh, just a vague outline and a bloody good apology.

Hoping he is going to say he was flat out drunk really

fucker fucker fucker

Headfairy I know I think thats what i'm so angry about. He risked pregnancy anything

oh god what if she got pregnant or something

do you think thats what he is going weird about

fuck fuck fuck

Yes and the fact he told you he thought it was someone from before he was with you
What a knob...but men like this always feel that their relationships are all about them, it's 'private' and his own self destructive, fucked up behaviour, nothing to do with you.

Mine had no problem separating wife and mistress (and mistress's child) for that long - because it was his own little drama he was playing out. Rest assured it really isn't your fault or anything to do with you as a wife/partner. It's all obviously in his head, we all have our story we follow, whether it is a 'I am doomed to be a crap husband' story or an 'I will let down the woman I love because I was always a let down to my mother', etc etc you know the kind of thing. He's playing out his perceived role, you've not deserved it or done anything wrong.

There is one other possibility- I have a friend who tested both neg and pos at the same time ( within weeks) for chlamydia- when both she and her DH were adamant they had been faithful- she had anyway- I know that.
The drs were very puzzled and said it was POSSIBLE she had had it for years and had no symptoms, and that she had carried it before she was married.

I am just saying this- it didn't elp her, but it made her see that tests are not always 100% conclusive- and she was seeing very good drs!

So, it might be that you did have it before and it is nothing to do with DH?

my dh always complains that I am more 'articulate' than him during discussions; I think it's a Venus/Mars thing. I'm sure that he would find it easier to write it down in this situation

I think GND that he has already as much as confessed to something...whatever that may be. But it's interesting to hear there can be inconclusive results.

Don't tell him that yet obv

"you had to have major surgery and faced the possibility of infertility because he didn't have the manners to stick a condom on when he was cheating on you"

in retrospect yes it is dreadful, but it was 10 years ago and to be fair if he did sleep with someone else there was no disclaimer to be signed saying that his dp would end up having an ectopic pregnancy. That's awful, awful, bad luck but not something that a bloke would think about getting his kit off. My dh had unprotected sex with 2 women before me, because he was young and he had the chance. I was v anal and sent him off to be tested before I would shag him

he was appalled at the stuff they had tested him for and the risks he had taken. He is a bright man who was not promiscuous but the number of options for danger presented at the clinic was a real eye opener.