What do you do if you just found out your partner cheated on you, but it was a long time ago?

[anamethatsnotmine]

Quick background, DP and I together 10 years. Year 2 of our relationship was long distance, before we got together DP was quite promiscuous. When we got together we didn't have any STI checks. Anyhow fast forward 3 years and I had an ectopic pregnancy, tube removed due to extensive chlymidia infection . DP and I sat down and talked about it and he thought it had come from a girl he had been sleeping with before me.

Here we are now 7 years on we have 2 small DC and very happy. The other day I went to get a coil fitted and we started talking about when I was last tested for and STIs ect. She looked at my records and mentioned 'oh yes you had one in 2xxx and 2xxx and 2xxx. Now one of these years was a year after DP and I had got together and the test was negative .

Now I may be stupid but I didn't quite twig at the time what it meant, but realised the other day that if I didn't have Chylmidia after a year of sleeping with him its fairly likely that he caught it after we were together fucker wanker.

So I was on the laptop the other night reading up on it and trying to find out if it was likely that I just hadn't caught it for more than a year when he walks in and says oh "ha ha ha something your not telling me" looking at the screen, so I said actually I think theres something your not telling me and I told him about the fact that I had been tested a year after we got together and it was negative.

He went as white as a sheet and just stared at the ground. TBH though I don't feel very angry about it, I think because it was so long ago and pre DC and we hadn't been together long it doesn't seem the same as if he was to go and sleep with somebody else now.

But heres the real crux of the situation, he is refusing to talk about it. Everytime i've brought it up he just goes weird and stares at the floor which is really unlike him. I think that if he had said straight off the bat, "look i'm sorry I fucked up and i've felt shit about it ever since, I'll never do it again" I would've been able to forget about it, but now I am getting wound up that he obviously doesn't think I deserve an apology and if I do keep asking for one then he is only apoligising because I have told him too.

Can anybody shed any light on what they would do in this situation, or how they would feel?

Thanks for reading if you got this far

Namechange natch

I am afraid I would not be very grown up about this, I would be ranting and raving.

The first thing that comes to mind, is you Fucking waste of space......you and your dick cost me a fallopian tube and untold anguish.

I am now going to go away and decide if this anguish , is going to cost you your marriage.

Sorry not very adult I know. [blsuh]

If this were me {and i have experience of most of the issues here from both sides embarassingly enough) I would be shitty for a while, then I would try and negotiate some positves out of it eg some new relationship rules and then i would try and move on. I was a different person that long ago and pre kids.
Only you know your dh and your relationship though. Sorry you're in such a crap situation.

Bree I don't think that is unadult. I think that would be a very common reaction.

We are all different.

I just know that in my case if my dh said you fucking waste of space for ANYTHING I did(including an affair in the past) I would never feel ok about him again.

Oh I am sorry to hear this. I would second Lucky in asking whether you believe him though.
It does seem a bit of a cliche'd explanation, and I think you need to keep in mind that he may have been trying to come up with the 'least bad' situation as it were, before telling you. He had time to get his story together.

He might be telling the truth now but be cautious as he might not

SO sorry you are going through this shit. Tell us what a bastard he is and don't say it to him, as it will make you feel worse I think.

What if it had not have been chlymidia he had given you but HIV?

What if after years of trying to conceive, you had never been able to have those lovely children that you have now because your tubes had been so damaged?

I know these are only 'what ifs' but this might have been how it had turned out because of what he did.

I know

What can I do though? Realistically i'm not going to leave, we are in a totally different situation now but that doesn't stop it from hurting

As to if he is lying, well he didn't seem to be but who bloody knows. I told him last night he was a stupid bastard for not using anything, he said he was half asleep

He is still simpering around, tbh thats just pissing me off more

He said when it first happened he spoke to one of his mates at work about if he should tell me and they said would it be worth it for all the upset it would cause, um well yes because I would've certainly sent him to the fucking GUM clinic before climbing back into bed with him

Sorry you are going through this - have you actually discussed with your DH the physical effects of HIS infidelity on you? What has he said?

Can you ask him to stay somewhere else fo a couple of days?
That would stop the pathetic simpering around you and give you a chance to grieve in peace (because you do need to grieve over something like this), and will also make him face the stark reality of what he has done.
I don't think he is facing up to it yet - particularly as he seems to think that offering cups of tea etc will make everything better.
If you do ask him to stay away for a few days, when he comes back you can treat it as re-starting the relationship. And hopefully he will realise just how lucky he is to be married to you when most women would kick his arse out on the street for what he did.

anamethatsnotmine I would be inclined to still go for a full std check even now. It wouldn't hurt.

Anamethatsnot mine - how are you coping now? We are here to support you if you need us. x

Hi

playing devils advocate (SP?) surely he has been punshed knowing for all these years what he did to you? In reality telling you would have finished you especially if the outcome had been the same - how could you have forgiven that at the time?

He has to understand though that this cannot be forgiven and forgotten straight away ir ever - and feeling sorry for himself will not help!!

Hope you are ok