What do you do if you just found out your partner cheated on you, but it was a long time ago?

[anamethatsnotmine]

Quick background, DP and I together 10 years. Year 2 of our relationship was long distance, before we got together DP was quite promiscuous. When we got together we didn't have any STI checks. Anyhow fast forward 3 years and I had an ectopic pregnancy, tube removed due to extensive chlymidia infection . DP and I sat down and talked about it and he thought it had come from a girl he had been sleeping with before me.

Here we are now 7 years on we have 2 small DC and very happy. The other day I went to get a coil fitted and we started talking about when I was last tested for and STIs ect. She looked at my records and mentioned 'oh yes you had one in 2xxx and 2xxx and 2xxx. Now one of these years was a year after DP and I had got together and the test was negative .

Now I may be stupid but I didn't quite twig at the time what it meant, but realised the other day that if I didn't have Chylmidia after a year of sleeping with him its fairly likely that he caught it after we were together fucker wanker.

So I was on the laptop the other night reading up on it and trying to find out if it was likely that I just hadn't caught it for more than a year when he walks in and says oh "ha ha ha something your not telling me" looking at the screen, so I said actually I think theres something your not telling me and I told him about the fact that I had been tested a year after we got together and it was negative.

He went as white as a sheet and just stared at the ground. TBH though I don't feel very angry about it, I think because it was so long ago and pre DC and we hadn't been together long it doesn't seem the same as if he was to go and sleep with somebody else now.

But heres the real crux of the situation, he is refusing to talk about it. Everytime i've brought it up he just goes weird and stares at the floor which is really unlike him. I think that if he had said straight off the bat, "look i'm sorry I fucked up and i've felt shit about it ever since, I'll never do it again" I would've been able to forget about it, but now I am getting wound up that he obviously doesn't think I deserve an apology and if I do keep asking for one then he is only apoligising because I have told him too.

Can anybody shed any light on what they would do in this situation, or how they would feel?

Thanks for reading if you got this far

Namechange natch

In a way I don't think he should be allowed to write it down

I want him to feel uncomfortable and have to look me in the eye and explain what he did, but that doesn't look likely anytime soon

GND I think he has pretty much admitted it with his reaction

Megthfake, I know that's not what blokes think about when they're getting their kit off, esp if as it sounds like in this case it was a silly stupid one off thing as opposed to an affair that ran for months on end. That still doesn't make it any less dreadful, I found out an ex boyfriend was cheating on me when I found out I had chlamydia during a smear, luckily I caught it quickly as I'd had an borderline test 6 months earlier and had to re test, so I had no lasting damage, but the rage I felt when I heard I'd caught it was incredible, I told him that if I ever found out I couldn't have children because of his stupidity I'd kneecap him. Extreme I know but I was FURIOUS!

I agree about not letting him write it down, you need to be able to ask him questions and get replies, not have an explanation given to you as some kind of fait accompli

I agree, I agree, I am not saying he didn't do something awful, he did

and I am not taking sides because he cheated on you and it went badly and it is all his fault and you could kick him out with reason and he knows this

but just to completely play devil's advocate, for the last nine years the bloke has been feeling guilty about this mistake. He probably did have an inkling that it might have contributed to the ectopic. And he can't take it back, and he loves you, and he has known every single day that he hurt you and it has probably torn him apart from time to time throughout those years and knowing that he could have lost you and now WHAM you find out about it

he needs to apologise for the mistake, and to respect you. But surely he has not gone unpunished already

Thing is some blokes cant look a person in the eye to talk about emotions. They just CANT. Have the letter but agree that you need a period of talking about it afterwards. A letter might give you time to digest the info logically aswell.

all good advice here, thanks

It sounds like you are dealing with it really well. I think you are right to give him a dealine for his explanantion/apology and stick to it so that he cant drag it out further.

I think it could go one of two ways - either he is so mortified and terrified of you leaving him if he speaks about it further that its stopping him from opening up, or there is more to it than at first glance and he doesnt want to own up (an affiar rather than a one night stand for instance)

I hope that he comes clean asap and that its the first one rather than the second x

I still don't think feeling bad about it for 7 years is enough, I'm sorry he's felt bad, but as rosa said earlier, it's only just happened to you so he can't expect 7 years of his guilt to be the end of it. I know men sometimes find it hard to speak face to face about emotions, but my thinking is so what, it's hard finding out that your partner cheated on you years ago and gave you a disease that resulted in you having a major operation, try that for hard. Does that make me sound hard? I don't know, but I have a very low tolerance level for mens feebleness sometimes. If you didn't want to have a difficult conversation, you shouldn't have cheated in the first place, simple!

Yes but its not that simple is it? If someone just cannot talk about emotions you will not make them. For the OP it will be easier to have a letter that can kick start discussions. Its not for him its for HER sake. Otherwise the situation could be stalemate.

I think if you can make him understand how his reaction makes you feel without totally beating him up that could be a start

Could you explain to him (calmly) that as he isn't telling you anything, you have all sorts of appalling scenarios running round in your head and you are sure that the truth is no-where near as awful as you are imagining. Then cite a few possibilites that are hopefully worse that the reality (eg he slept with a ladyboy, he slept with your best friend etc) Hopefully that might prod him into telling you the truth

I would give you a word of warning - I doubt he will tell you the truth. If he has hidden it for all this time then he has it in him to lie. Big time. So if it is something awful then he is bound to try and do a damage limitation exercise. I agree with whoever said if he writes it down he can concoct a story

Apparetnly if you ask him to tell it backwards (to your face) if he is fibbing then he won't be able to (police interview techique, v successful allegedly) It would have to involve a time line situation

What do you hope to get from the truth? If it really is something awful (ladyboy, best mate) what would you do? And what would make you believe him?

This happened to me last nov. well, not guite but i found out that my dh had cheated on me 3 years ago.
I was angry. dh felt guilty but tried to brush it under the carpet. i had to explain to him (like someone else said) yes it happened ages ago but to me it is new and therefore you are not the person i thought you were etc etc.
for me i needed to know details etc. if you need to talk to him about it make sure that he knows this and does it . i had to force my dh. as i felt it was the first step in trusting him again.
dont underestimate this. i thought i was ok but then i starting popping into my head all the time and upset me. it took a long time but we are ok again now. and you do think of it less. though it does crop up in my head from time to time and although it was ages ago and i dont believe he has done it since, he did still have to earn my trust back (and still is )
my advice would be to give yourself time and dont be afraid to talk to dh about it. hope this helps.

CD, love the backwards story idea, very good! I think he probably will lie, who knows? There is no way for me to know the absoloute truth is there?

We have never had trust issues so this is all new to me, tbh it feels weird just thinking that he is trying to think up a story to tell me

Hope its not ladyboy

petitmaman glad you are both coming through it

men are fuckers

here is backwards thingy

You can have a false positive you know.
If I was you, I would ring 0800 567 123 or, look on this here

But she had damage to her fallopian tubes caused by untreated chlamydia, I assume it caused PID. It wasn't just a positive test.

yes it was PID

well I finally got some answers

he got drunk at a party, there was some girl there who had been after him for ages etc etc etc, only happened once, felt like shit ever since

he was so embarrased when he was telling me, but tbh I don't care cause now I feel like shit

fucking fucking bastard

Oh, antnm. I hope that you manage to get through this.

He shouldn't be embarrassed. he should be fucking mortified and grovelling for your forgiveness. No only did he betray but he endangered your life and lost your baby as a result

Oh shit. Poor you. xxxx

Thanks

What do you do though?

I feel like punching him in the face if i'm honest and hes being all sweet and nice and asking if he can get me anything blah blah blah

and i'll say it again

fucking bastard

Message withdrawn

I'd probably punch him in the face.
Not that I'm advocating violence, but it would sure help me feel better. Go and have a good shout at him? You will feel better once this anger is expressed.

I'd make him realise just how much you are hurting. Even if you are wanting to make things work out, he needs to know how awful what he did was.

This question may be out of place to ask, but do you believe his explanation?

Do you love each other?

Are you happy together now?

Then forget about it.

I don't expect many to agree with me but that's what I think you should do and that is what I would do.