Worried about DD choice of BF

[Cryingforthemoon]

Ok. We are the parents of our mid 20 DD who has just hooked up with a 41 year old bloke. 6 months. She is doing a PhD in computing. He is a Web designer. Only issue is his website is not working, and hasn't been for weeks, last client appears to be 4 years ago. He has no other obvious means of income. He remts a flat in a nice part of London.

Our DS let us know that they both bought a lot of magic mushroom chocolate from a friend of his.

He is coming to a holiday rental we have rented for a few days.

Are we jumping the gun? Are we right to be concerned? We can't work out how he is making a living.

How would you handle this?

You think he's a drug dealer?

Would your daughter be interested in a relationship with a drug dealer?

I would put your assumptions aside for now.

I can't comment on the age difference as my ex finance was 40 when we met when I was 25. He was a lovely guy, I only did not marry him because he really did not want children.

Not saying that. But should we be concerned about his (apparent) lack of income?

What are you suggesting you do? The way in which he makes his income doesn’t really have anything to do with you.

Has it not arisen in conversation with your daughter?

If your are researching him by looking at his website, maybe you were looking at the wrong one? Maybe he hasn't updated it? My exH is a graphic designer/web designer and nothing online suggests to me how many clients he has (loads!).

I think you need to get to know him a bit and trust your daughter.

My DD is adamant he makes it all by web designing. It just doesn't add up for us - non-functional website, magic mushrooms etc. Just wondering if we should discuss our concerns with her?

Again, it’s none of your business.

Even if they start living together? Worried she might be naively being taken monetary advantage of.

If my 20 year old was in a relationship with a 42 year old I would have concerns never mind the fact he sounds like a complete loser. I really hope they break up soon

Yes I would have concerns too.

Trouble is at that age they dig their heels in.

Hopefully she will see the light!

At least you have the chance to get to know him a bit at the holiday rental.

Hearsay and could be an old website.

How posh does he sound?

I hate these types of responses when it come to your own children. Of course it has something to do with you!

If you are meeting him, broadly get his views on work, renting in London etc… don’t interrogate him, have a conversation, that should tell you plenty.

I would be concerned about a 40- year old dating my 20-something daughter. If he doesn’t have a proper career on a similar level to the opportunities you daughter will have with an advanced degree.

She is well into adulthood now so it's totally her life and her mistake to make and learn from BUT I would try to get him to not come to the holiday rental.
Plant that seed but don't get too involved, and then if she realises he is a weirdo at least you guys haven't met him, she's kept it private and she doesn't feel the need to stay with him to save face or prove anything.

I would not be going anywhere with someone doing magic mushrooms.

Avoid him at all costs.

Well there is no other website.

We have met him, seems nice enough (man bun not my taste😅). It's the lack of apparent earnings coupled with a 16 year age gap that concern me.

Also my DDs original high-flying aspirations seemed to have been dumbed diwn since meeting him

Are you just looking by name or his company website? A lot of web designers get work by word of mouth etc. are you sure it web design and not web domains?

It's web design. The site is "down for maintenance " and has been fir as many weeks as I've known him

You didn't say if he sounded posh. He could be a trust fund baby with a flat in a nice area of London and a man bun. Less hardworking than a drug dealer in that case tbh.

Well you can get to know him during the holuday.
Be super nice to him so he opens up to you

The main worry is that he's a Cocklodger, do all you can to convince your daughter not to move in with him.

Christ what world are you from?! 🤣🤣 You sound awfully snobby.

The mushrooms are concerning and your daughter is clearly happy to participate in their consumption as well. But that makes them buyers, not necessarily dealers. Get to know him better while he’s staying with you in the holiday rental. Don’t interrogate him, just show an interest in his work, his plans for the future, his growing up and family. You’ll develop a better idea of who he is.

So, she should leave her daughter at home? She also did then and has no problem telling her parents.

How long has she been with him? Sounds recent, in which case I wouldn’t be inviting him on holiday. Does she still live with you?