Worried about DD choice of BF

[Cryingforthemoon]

Ok. We are the parents of our mid 20 DD who has just hooked up with a 41 year old bloke. 6 months. She is doing a PhD in computing. He is a Web designer. Only issue is his website is not working, and hasn't been for weeks, last client appears to be 4 years ago. He has no other obvious means of income. He remts a flat in a nice part of London.

Our DS let us know that they both bought a lot of magic mushroom chocolate from a friend of his.

He is coming to a holiday rental we have rented for a few days.

Are we jumping the gun? Are we right to be concerned? We can't work out how he is making a living.

How would you handle this?

He’s a dirty pervert who hasn’t grown up if nothing else

He's definitely not from a wealthy background. So he's not a trust fund baby.

Our DS (who rents with DD) told us about the magic mushrooms.

They've been together 6 months. She asked of he could come for a few days to the holiday rental.

I have also noticed he tends to speak for her, when a general question is asked.

Use it as an opportunity to get to know him better. You can ask about him his work, hobbies etc

He could literally do temp gigs on the side of his website through an agency or something. You’re being dramatic.

Shrooms are usually sold by hippies and tree huggers not hardcore cartels. They grow naturally in the UK.

He could be living off an inheritance or a large redundancy payout at that age, although I'd still be concerned about that as well. It won't last forever and he's too young to not be motivated to get his business back up and running.

Personally I'd be disappointed in the large age gap, but it's not the end of the world. It's not like she's 17 and completely clueless.

I would be concerned too. Lots of red flags.
Has she done a Claire's law? Maybe suggest that as a starting point.

Tread carefully as it could be the start of coercive control.
Maybe start planting questions and keep lines of communication open.

She’s been an adult for at least 6 years

Try to be open minded, freelancing can be intermittent and not 9-5 work but website design can be extremely well paid (I know how much my company paid for ours!). Maybe he did a couple of big jobs earlier in the year so can take it a bit easier for the rest of the year so it appears right now he's not working.

His website has been "under maintenance " for weeks - since I first looked for it. And he has yoga teachers and the like as clients - they're not going to be able to pay a fortune. The websites he has designed are very simple affairs

Shrooms are still class A drugs

Never been employed in any meaningful way ftom my knowledge

You need to chill out. She’s in her mid twenties and entitled to make her own decisions. He could have a passive income. He could be making money in ways that are perfectly legal but none of your business.

Keep an open mind and see what happens on the trip.

Of course it's dodgy. It's a middle aged man who does drugs with no job dating a 20yo student. He's hardly a catch is he.

From someone who has been in her situation and it went very badly. You have to keep a close relationship with her. My parents didn't approve, so pushed me away, so I couldn't leave. You just have to have a constant message of "we're always here for you, you're always welcome"

Okay say he really hasn’t got a job, and he is the local magic mushroom dealer, what can you do about your daughter seeing him, nothing. So you have to just suck it up.

You don’t know if anything is dodgy about him yet. You could be looking on the wrong website, he might be working for a company, he might be working in a supermarket and just doesn’t wan’t you to know.

Leave it be, your daughter clearly likes him so trust her judgement.

She’s 25 and OP doesn’t really appear to know about his business aside from what she thinks she’s found from her online detective work.

I would be concerned too OP. But your DD is an adult so there may not be much you can do about it.

I'm sorry, but if my mum started going all Agatha Christie on my boyfriend when I was in my mid 20's I would have told her to back off. I would tread very carefully, I trust that she is a smart girl, you've got to trust her judgement. You cannot dictate her life, it's hard as mum as you don't want to see them hurt or struggle, but we only learn by experiencing these things.

I suggest going into the trip with an open mind and heart. See how he operates, ask him questions about his work in a friendly way. If after the trip you have any worries, you can mention your concerns in a neutral way to her.

I’m pretty easy going but I confess I probably wouldn’t be ecstatic. What I do know though. Is that if you criticise him or try to negatively affect the relationship, you’ll probably push her closer to him and potentially damage your relationship with her.

To clear up your main misunderstanding here

Not having a functional website, does not mean he's not currently working and receiving an income.
Its very common for people to have long term ongoing clients, or take on new clients via other means than a website. The website being down does not mean he's not working.

When you say 'never been employed in any meaningful way' what do you mean here - it sounds like he is self employed?

Threads like this really make me wish the male posters would get the fuck off Mumsnet.

”So what your daughter is dating a man twice her age who gives her class A drugs, doesn’t appear to work for a living nor have family wealth, but rents an expensive apartment in London? So what she has lost her ambition since they started dating and you find that he speaks for her when you ask her a question? Nothing to see here, stay out of it.”

Well he’s obviously getting income from somewhere and presumably provided proof for an expensive London let. If they bought the mushrooms together then presumably he’s not actually dealing them himself?

lack of website won’t mean much. How do you know who his clients are?

having him at the holiday let is a good idea surely? You can suss him out a bit more. Ask some questions

But for a web designer not to have a functioning website?!

I think your daughters boyfriend coming away with you is the perfect opportunity for you to get to know him. Take an interest in his work, hobbies, aspirations, family etc!! No need to grill him, but make conversation. You can learn a lot by making light conversation and observing him.

I would be concerned if my ambitious 20+ year old daughter, was dating a 40 year old man, who rented a flat in a decent part of London, with a non-functioning web site, no visible means of supporting himself and takes drugs. On top of that my daughter's ambitions seem to have been dampened down and her boyfriend answers for her.

You need to keep an eye on the situation and play your cards close to your chest. Don't criticise him to your daughter. I can tell you from experience, that she will dig her heels in and take no notice! I was 23, met a man a few years old than myself (not a big gap like your daughter and her boyfriend, OP) and my parents did nothing but criticise him. They were absolutely right of course, but they didn't go about it all the right way. Instead of waking me up to the reality of what he was like, it drove me to him. It took me 4 years to realise it all for myself!!

How did these two meet?. What do they have in common?. And I think she was targeted deliberately by him because no woman nearer his age would go a mile of him. Do not criticise him direct to your daughter.

Is your daughter young for her age? Is she naive and or vulnerable when it comes to relationships?. Does she have a good support network?.