People in my life expect me to be jealous of my best friend

[Tomedwardselleck]

I have a very glamorous best friend who I’ve been friends with for 20 years and is widely acknowledged by most people she meets as very elegant and beautiful. She tends to inspire quite a lot of jealousy from others. We are similar personalities, enjoy the same things, spend a lot of time together as friends, go on holiday together. I’d say we have most things in common apart from the fact that I am not spellbindingly beautiful. I am however perfectly averagely good looking, tall, good job and no self esteem issues.

Anyway - people in my life, like work friends/employers/ two ex boyfriends and both of my parents at separate times, have gone out of their way to tell me and want to know that I understand that I am not on her level in terms of looks. I have a lot of examples but the recent one I found quite triggering: a week ago I invited an ex boyfriend of mine from 15 years ago to a small drinks at my house with my best friend (who he also knew back then) and some other old friends and neighbours. He called me to thank me yesterday and he said at the end of the phone call “I have to say as an aside - you do know that she (best friend) remains insanely beautiful. You do know that when you put yourself next to her all the time, you hardly compare?” He then laughed as if it was a half joke.

my parents, who my best friend and I went on holiday with, on observing her sashaying around the pool, regularly used to sigh and say “you do know, don’t you, that she’s a lot better looking than you?”

my old boss, before my wedding, where best friend was maid of honour said “you know she’s better looking than you right? Just saying. I wouldn’t want to stand next to her every day.”

i don’t understand what is motivating people to want me to know, or to want to make sure I know this? Or to experience my reaction when they say this to me?

do people think I am getting some kind of referred adoration from being next to her and they want to put me in my place?

as her BF i know her warts and all. All her problems, life issues etc. I don’t ever feel intense jealousy towards her for her looks. But it’s like other people want me to feel that?

I think you've got some serious weirdos around you.

First post nails it, these people want to hurt your feelings and are also incredibly superficial people.

These do not sound like 'friends' to me.

You do what makes you happy - don't run someone else's race.

Who cares what the others think. 💐

Jeez, you really are surrounded by some superficial people. What a strange thing to say to you - do these people base everything on looks (and probably wealth)? Obv you can't change your parents, but honestly, if my friends were coming out with crap like that I would wonder why on earth I was friends with them. Just peculiar all round really.

Your use of the word 'sashaying' suggests that your friend is a show-off. Is that right?

Anyway, she either gets really fed up of attention or perhaps she loves it. I bet she gets fed up of it sometimes.

I don't know what you can say to anyone other than, 'yes, she is gorgeous.'

The ex boyfriend comment was immature and probably the reason he is an ex..

That comment from your ex is bizarre. And the ones from your parents.

I’m reaching but maybe you have parents who have a cruel streak and might find yourself attracted to men that are cruel??? I could be totally wrong but it seems very strange that so many people around you have something to say about this. No-one has ever shared a view with me about whether my best friend is better looking than me or not.

You know a lot of dickheads.

Those are not comments that my friends or family would make. How bizarre

Don't ever invite ex around again !

you need to have a word with all these people that ends it once and for all

That's really rude.

My SIL and BIL have an insane amount of money and my MIL is always telling me that they are trying to be discreet about their holidays/Christmas gifts etc "because they know you can't afford it" but they are not remotely discreet and most of the things they do/have I either don't want to do anyway or I don't think id worth the money or the dc would hate it.

I find this incredibly hard to believe.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you're a troll or lying OP, but I genuinely can't imagine multiple people in your life coming out with almost the same comment, when its such a bizarre comment. Are those the exact words they're using? Because the only explanation I can think of is that they're saying one thing, and you're hearing something else

my parents, who my best friend and I went on holiday with, on observing her sashaying around the pool, regularly used to sigh and say “you do know, don’t you, that she’s a lot better looking than you?”

^This is why you surround yourself with this >
He called me to thank me yesterday and he said at the end of the phone call “I have to say as an aside - you do know that she (best friend) remains insanely beautiful. You do know that when you put yourself next to her all the time, you hardly compare?” He then laughed as if it was a half joke.

And with this >
my old boss, before my wedding, where best friend was maid of honour said “you know she’s better looking than you right? Just saying. I wouldn’t want to stand next to her every day.”

Your parents are mad to put you down like that. Don't invite that rude ex again and maybe don't share too much of your private life at work.

You have a great friendship. Enjoy.

Your employers have gone out of their way to tell you you're inferior in the looks department to your best friend?

Unless you're both models and the employer is a particularly blunt and un PC agent I have no idea how this situation could've arisen?! Not just once but multiple times?

The people you know seem to be extremely rude.

Jeez I'm glad that guy is an ex. Imagine attending someone's graciously hosted drinks party and then dropping that festering clanger.

I think maybe the problem is that these days even more than before beauty is seen as some kind of personal achievement and placed above other things like how funny you are etc. I blame social media. However you don't have to put up with this tedious shite from anyone! Never heard a more salient time for the MN 'Did you mean to be so rude?' line.

If it happens again maybe say “Well, yes - I do have eyes. Why did you feel the need to say that out loud?”

I’d have to know!

Cruel comments (I can't believe your own parents!!) - I know women are outrageously valued for their looks alone plenty of times, but that's awful.

I'm glad to read you haven't let this affect your self esteem - good for you. Maybe a snappy retort like "yes, I know she's gorgeous - are you trying to say a woman should only be judged on her attractiveness?"

thanks everyone!

These are examples over the last 15 years. It’s not that it happens all the time, it’s that it’s something that these people feel the need to tell me. I think I was triggered yesterday by the ex phonecall and it’s why it’s present in my mind now.

on the employer front I worked for one particular family company a while ago and some of the family attended my wedding and repeatedly made this comment to me.

Wow, mad people.
I hope it doesn't impact on your friendship.
When my friends have a glow up, or do something brilliant in their careers, or end up in a wonderful relationship, I'm nothing but happy for them, because we are proper friends!

Not a show off but she is very elegant. You can’t help but notice her when she walks.

I find it hard to believe all these people have said this. I had a friend thirty years ago (crumbs I sound ancient!) who I house shared with. We were all pretty 20-somethings back then but she was supermodel level. No one ever made these sorts of comments to me.

You can only be jealous of someone who has something you think you ought to have yourself.

Yes, I tend to agree with this!

This all sounds a bit odd. My sister has a friend who is stunningly gorgeous, I has seen heads turn when when walks into a restaurant. No one has ever made any comments other than "X is really lovely isn't she?"

It seems quite strange that you are surrounded by people who are at such pains to make sure you know you do not measure up to this friend.

I'd have been tempted to say to the ex: 'Really? She thinks I'm hot as hell.' And let him wonder wistfully.