People in my life expect me to be jealous of my best friend

[Tomedwardselleck]

I have a very glamorous best friend who I’ve been friends with for 20 years and is widely acknowledged by most people she meets as very elegant and beautiful. She tends to inspire quite a lot of jealousy from others. We are similar personalities, enjoy the same things, spend a lot of time together as friends, go on holiday together. I’d say we have most things in common apart from the fact that I am not spellbindingly beautiful. I am however perfectly averagely good looking, tall, good job and no self esteem issues.

Anyway - people in my life, like work friends/employers/ two ex boyfriends and both of my parents at separate times, have gone out of their way to tell me and want to know that I understand that I am not on her level in terms of looks. I have a lot of examples but the recent one I found quite triggering: a week ago I invited an ex boyfriend of mine from 15 years ago to a small drinks at my house with my best friend (who he also knew back then) and some other old friends and neighbours. He called me to thank me yesterday and he said at the end of the phone call “I have to say as an aside - you do know that she (best friend) remains insanely beautiful. You do know that when you put yourself next to her all the time, you hardly compare?” He then laughed as if it was a half joke.

my parents, who my best friend and I went on holiday with, on observing her sashaying around the pool, regularly used to sigh and say “you do know, don’t you, that she’s a lot better looking than you?”

my old boss, before my wedding, where best friend was maid of honour said “you know she’s better looking than you right? Just saying. I wouldn’t want to stand next to her every day.”

i don’t understand what is motivating people to want me to know, or to want to make sure I know this? Or to experience my reaction when they say this to me?

do people think I am getting some kind of referred adoration from being next to her and they want to put me in my place?

as her BF i know her warts and all. All her problems, life issues etc. I don’t ever feel intense jealousy towards her for her looks. But it’s like other people want me to feel that?

I can't believe your parents said that to you. That is truly awful. Or anyone else really. What are they trying to achieve? They must be miserable themselves to try and pull someone else down like this.

Apart from your friend you have some awful people around you. I can’t imagine saying those sort of things to anyone. Why would they want to put you down? Are you more attractive than you think you are maybe?

That shouldn't make any difference - especially the parents. Blows my mind that a parent would seemingly try to make their daughter feel anything other than great about themself.

It’s great that you’re such a good friend to her, and unfortunate that people seem to want to spoil that.

I can think of only two real motivations: 1) They are immediately jealous of her and want to lash out by damaging her friendship or 2) They want to “humble” you for some reason.

The second seems more likely, especially given that some of the comments have come from your parents and an ex. Spiteful comments from an ex aren’t unusual. Are your parents usually nasty critical twats?

Why on earth would people say things like that? 🤷‍♀️. You must know a lot of strange people.

Your “friends and family” sound like a right bunch of dicks.

I have to agree!
I can't ever recall anyone, including myself, feeling like they or I have to tell someone that their friend or anyone else in their life is better looking than them!
It's actually quite strange... Who cares about looks, you have a lovely friendship which is worth more than anything else. All these people telling you this need to look in the mirror...

Maybe next time say to them, you do realise your dog is better looking than you and has better manners too!

My best friend of 30 years is breathtakingly beautiful, it's impossible not to notice.
Only twice in our lives has someone commented. A stranger in a pub said "must be hard kicking about with her" and an actual friend (who was drunk) commented that he couldn't believe me and her had the same swimming costume I must have been mortified next to her.

Horrific, have never got over either and can't believe they said it.

That is such a strange thing to say. What horrid people you know.

The woman in the office next to mine is incredibly beautiful, I wonder if my colleagues pity me for having to sit next door
Bizzarre!

One of the most beautiful people I know is also the most tormented, insecure and unhappy. She is stunning but I wouldn’t swap my average looks for her life in a million years.
The people who made those comments to you are exposing their own insecurities/warped values/ignorance of what really matters in life.

Wow. My best mate is also stunningly gorgeous, way more than me and no one has ever said anything like that to me, so it's not normal! On the very rare occasion I've mentioned it jokingly (oh look at us next to each other, she makes me look hideous) all my friends have very loyally made comments to the effect that we are equally but differently lovely haha.

I get it, I have a very glamorous sister - skinny, leggy blonde who isn't a stranger to botox. I'm kind of the opposite. My mum and grandma will nudge me when she's in the room as if we are all " fat uglies" together and joke, "doesn't she make you sick", "don't we all wish we looked like her", "aren't we all fat and isn’t she lovely". Charming!

They're just projecting their own insecurities onto you.

They look at her and can't imagine being comfortable feeling compared to her and so wouldn't be friends with her.

It sounds like they regard you with a combination of envy (because you're secure in yourself) and curiosity (so feel the need to point out how beautiful she is).

People are strange.

I would describe myself as average looking, my best friend throughout my teens/twenties/thirties (she passed away 10 years ago) was absolutely jaw droppingly beautiful, she honestly could have been a supermodel. Not one person ever said anything similar to me (probably did behind my back) but never to my face because that’s really hurtful. I’m sorry op but I don’t understand why you seem to be surrounded by people who want to hurt your feelings. Crazy.

This is really weird.

One of my best friends (for decades) is absolutely stunning. I look OK, but she's in a different league. Nobody has ever said anything like that to me. People have commented on how beautiful she is, but nobody has ever drawn a direct comparison... because that would be really rude. We've known each other since we were 10, so I kind of take this for granted.

I think it has sometimes been a bit of a double-edged sword for her, actually. When we were younger, people would often overlook her brains and personality (at least at first) because they were blinded by her looks, which I thought was quite insulting to her. Her looks are amazing, but they're not her salient characteristic. Now she's made a lot of progress in her career and gets treated with more serious respect.

i agree with previous poster that these are really odd things to say to someone.
Some of my friends are very good looking and no one has ever said that to me.
although there is a certain look of woman that I do know seems to make men fell at their feet, I have come across this a few times, to me they aren’t stunning like supermodel but something about them seems to make men swoon in droves. Not being a man I can’t pin point what it is either. Maybe your friend is one of these women. Usually they are perfectly lovely people but the couple of times I have seen this happen whereby men literally are in awe of them I have wondered why it happens and also felt bad for them having all these dogs sniffing around must be bloody horrible.

You know, none of those people are especially nice, don't you?

The next time someone comments just say, ‘yeah, but you know she keeps me humble because god knows what an ego I’d have without her to keep me in check? And then, again, having a genuine friend who knows you are more than just a beautiful face is probably quite refreshing for her, too, given how shallow people are these days?’

I know a lot of surface-obsessed people, too, OP (used to work in fashion). I seem to have spent my life saying "life isn't a beauty contest" - fortunately, or thank goodness, or that would be sad wouldn't it, etc. It's one of those statements that, being fundamentally true, bears repeating and can be said humorously, patronisingly, sharply, sympathetically, dismissively or however you see fit.

With people like your parents, the obvious retort is that she's a lot better looking than them, too.

I do know what @Pssedoffathis means about women who are mysteriously magical dick magnets, too! They can be ultra-beautiful by whatever standards are current, or not. Men who actually met Cleopatra described her as really quite odd-looking but utterly compelling. Such women have built, shaped and destroyed empires. I've met a small handful with that quality. I've always thought it must be a right pain to be both beautiful and a man-magnet. So many people wanting to possess you or destroy you (often both), everyone projecting onto you, so little interest in the person you are. Apparently Marilyn Monroe was like that, and see how it worked out for her ...

My best friend was stunning compared to me.

I knew she was stunning, everyone knew she was stunning. I didn’t care that she was stunning, I wasn’t bad looking, but probably looked average next to her. But I didn’t think it. I never had people in my life point this out though - it was just something that was known based on the kind of attention she would get v what I would get. But it also looked exhausting being her too, she’s had some awful things happen to her, a lot of it is through attracting bad men.

But OP, I think we are secure enough in ourselves to not feel a way around someone else’s strengths. Whats interesting is my friend looks never came up in conversations between the 2 of us, we both compliment eachother on our strengths and weaknesses.

I think those comments highlight weaknesses within those people. It’s almost as if they are comparing their looks with your friends and wondering how bad they would feel for themselves.

Strange. And I’m glad your ex is your ex

I think complimenting on her looks is not weird but comparing you is weird particularly from family.

Another thread where the world of MN seems totally divorced from the reality I know. I can't even imagine the hell of living in a world where everyone is so obsessed with appearance it's normal to go around vocally expressing how good looking or otherwise everyone is and comparing people to each other.
This thread is so depressing.
Why on earth are you bothering with these excuses for human beings OP?

This! Who even says those things to someone they care about.
By all means they can acknowledge her beauty but why do they have to compare you.

Does your friend know people say these things about you?

I had a friend once as a teen, her mum became weirdly obsessed with comparing us and would say in front of my friend ‘Isn’t NotSure so much slimmer than you, why don’t you lose weight’ ‘Not Sure is so gorgeous, or clever etc etc’. It made me very uncomfortable and gave her daughter a sad fixation with diets and make up. We also did not remain friends as I hated going round. it’s not nice for anyone!

Also similar to others, in college I had a friend (still friends) who is drop dead gorgeous. Everyone thinks so - genuinely she is universally stunning. I am a good looking /attractive person I believe but also know I am not conventionally attractive so some men wouldn’t find me attractive (strangely, women always do). We are still best friends. No one compared us, although I know everyone found her stunning. I would be highly upset if my parents started comparing us! My parents did acknowledge how pretty she was but also always made me feel beautiful and not just for appearance, for who I was.

You have some superficial dickheads around you. Maybe they're jealous of your high self-esteem and confidence. You're clearly comfortable in your own skin.

I’d say those people are thinking shot I wouldn’t want to stand next to her everyday because people will either compare (as they are doing) or if it’s a man think he’s punching. They’re then just passing their insecurities on to you.