Co-sleeping causing issues with DH

[TrianglePlace]

I have two bad sleepers - 3 and 5 year olds. They’ve always been terrible sleepers. The older one only wakes once or twice a night and just needs a cuddle whereas the younger one wakes several times and wants you next to him.

After five years of this I am exhausted, so for the past few months, I have started co-sleeping with one or both of them. DC sleep like a log when I’m next to them and after five years, I’m finally getting decent sleep. I really can’t stress the impact the years of limited and broken sleep has had on me.

Except now DH complains he’s alone at night and hates sleeping by himself. He’s generally unhappy we don’t spend enough time together as it is but we both work in demanding jobs and have young children so that’s not unusual. But the sleeping alone is really upsetting him.

So what the fuck do I do? I share a bed with my husband and I have to get up around five times a night between the two children, and destroy myself in the process. Or I sleep with my children and neglect our relationship even further.

Things are very much not 50 / 50. He never really got up with the DC overnight and so on the rare occasion he would get up, they would get themselves so worked up wanting me.

What the fuck do I do?

Sounds like you have three dependants who "need" you to sleep next to them. Only two of them have an excuse!!

Could you schedule time together in the evenings once the kids are asleep, and then have some bonding or intimacy, then go to your separate beds to sleep? Lots of couples sleep apart.

Could you get a huge bed and all sleep in it together?

Exactly. Does DH hate being alone, or does he hate being 'alone'?
Get a family bed and all co sleep.

Unless there are possible ND reasons...There are many cultures where the children sleep with their Mums routinely. You must be allowed to sleep, why shouldn't you? Have you pointed out that af some point you'll collapse if you can't?
Why not say to H its only for a little while until HE gets them sleeping independently.
Are you sure you want to sleep with him, though? I think some women subconsciously use their children as a shield. He sounds selfish.

They need you, he wants you...

Presume he wants sex? Can't he schedule it another time in the day?

Can you guys sleep with one child separately if the bed isn’t big enough?

Wake him up and send him to deal with the kids 5 times a night. If they get worked up, he's going to be awake even longer.

I'm sure he'll rethink this position pretty quickly.

I think if you've been the one getting up for five years, whilst he has had unbroken sleep, he's forfeited all right to complain. If he's so lonely, can he co-sleep with the one who isn't with you?

If it's not actually about loneliness, and it's about sex - have you pointed out that a well rested wife will almost certainly be more interested in that than an exhausted wife?

will the children sleep better if they co-sleep or room share, or does it have to be you?

Put your two kids into a bigger bed with you sleeping with them to begin with.

You move out to your bed once they are sound asleep.
You and DH go to bed earlier too so if you end up with broken sleep, you are still well rested.
Getting a much bigger family bed could also work for you, DH and DC3.

Tell your DH you’ll sleep in the same bed if he manages all the night wakes and you sleep through.

Put the children in bed with him so that he isn’t alone. Sleep by yourself in one of their beds!

So a grown man doesn't want to sleep alone and hates sleeping by himself,yet expects small children to be okay with it?!

His choices are: 1. Deal with all night wakings from now on 2. Sleep alone whilst you sleep with both kids. 3. He sleeps with one kid whilst you sleep with the other, 4. Big family bed.

What is absolutely not an option is you continuing to exist on broken sleep when there are viable alternatives. It is terrible for your mental and physical health with long term implications.

I guess potentially the kids might settle sharing a bed together. You could try that.

I have a bad sleeper and am still bed sharing at nearly 7. They sleep through no problem if we share a bed, but would wake multiple times if we didn't. There's no way on earth I'd put me or my child through that just because my DH might prefer to share a bed with me. Child and I need to be well rested to function. So DH can share with us or sleep alone. He chooses to sleep solo and I can visit him in bed of course.

He can complain all he wants, and he may well check out of the marriage or seek intimacy elsewhere. But you’re not wrong to prioritise your sleep and your mental health.

Definitely a DH problem. I agree with pp who suggest you take one kid each. If he won’t consider that, then he’s showing himself to be completely selfish and uninterested in your health and wellbeing.

Hes happy for the children to sleep alone but not him? Jesus! What an absolute twat

Prioritise your sleep @TrianglePlace

I expect H will be moaning about lack of sex soon. Fucking idiot 🙄

If he was with the childen 50/50 then fair enough. He's not. So ignore his whining

When do you start co-sleeping? At the kid's bedtime or coming in later? If he wants more time with you, he needs to take on other responsibilities from you so you are less busy and tired. He can come find you in the kids' room for a cuddle if he feels scared in the middle of the night, instead of the kids having to.

Tell him he either needs to do the night wakings or sleep train the kids for you then. Also ask him why he isn’t concerned about your wellbeing and lack of sleep.

Ooooh!!!

I agree with another poster too. Get him to do all the night wakes. If he upsets them he has to stay until they are calm/asleep again. He is their father, right? Not some random man who had no input in their being on this planet? Time to be tough with the pathetic specimen of a man.

You’ve got 3 children not 2.

Id carry on co-sleeping with the children to preserve your sanity and sleep or he takes over all the overnight wake ups.

This is a situation of your DHs making really isnt it? Hes left you to do the night waking for 5 years

He can resolve the situation by taking over the night wakings if he wishes to share a bed again

This would be my suggestion. Poor mite won't be too lonely then.

I know there are lots of reasons why this might not be possible but go away for a week and leave them all to it.