Co-sleeping causing issues with DH

[TrianglePlace]

I have two bad sleepers - 3 and 5 year olds. They’ve always been terrible sleepers. The older one only wakes once or twice a night and just needs a cuddle whereas the younger one wakes several times and wants you next to him.

After five years of this I am exhausted, so for the past few months, I have started co-sleeping with one or both of them. DC sleep like a log when I’m next to them and after five years, I’m finally getting decent sleep. I really can’t stress the impact the years of limited and broken sleep has had on me.

Except now DH complains he’s alone at night and hates sleeping by himself. He’s generally unhappy we don’t spend enough time together as it is but we both work in demanding jobs and have young children so that’s not unusual. But the sleeping alone is really upsetting him.

So what the fuck do I do? I share a bed with my husband and I have to get up around five times a night between the two children, and destroy myself in the process. Or I sleep with my children and neglect our relationship even further.

Things are very much not 50 / 50. He never really got up with the DC overnight and so on the rare occasion he would get up, they would get themselves so worked up wanting me.

What the fuck do I do?

Agree with this.
He needs to be more involved overnight.

Going against the grain here but DH probably just misses his wife. Those are valid feelings.
Personally, I’d put the children in the same room. At their age they just want some comfort in the night but they equally should be heading towards sleeping independently. By putting the children in the same room if may take away some of their anxieties around sleeping alone.

He might be a twat, but I can understand why it bothers him and why it’s adding to the strain. Getting our space back was a really big deal to me after children, I think still co sleeping at 3-5 is quite excessive (I know it’s normal for some if that’s how they want to live) but I think if that’s the only way your children will sleep you need to understand this will put a strain on the relationship- that’s not an unreasonable feeling.

It sounds like the strain is already there for other reasons, he’s not pulling his weight, so I’m not saying this is on you to fix and get back into your marital bed because this sounds like one issue in many, but I think you both need to talk about your marriage and where it’s heading because right now I think it’s divorce. Then he’ll be really alone. Is that what you both want? What will you both do?

Massive bed.

"Either I share a bed with my husband and have to get up around 5 times a night and destroy myself in the process, or I sleep with my children and neglect our relationship still further."

What does your DH say when you explain it to him in these terms? Does he actually say "yes, I want you to exhaust yourself in order to placate me"?

Maybe a few sessions with a marriage counsellor would help you work through this issue together.

Only if hes a complete prick...

So sorry OP. 3 kids is a handful.

Frankly, I would do anything to get a good night's sleep. Plus children who haven't slept properly are so difficult to deal with all day.
Get a bigger bed. Or he sleeps with the children

When my son was born nearly five years ago, we bought a super king bed with the intention of sharing it if we needed to - id bed shared either my previous child but had pushed a single and double together. Fast forward to now and I generally sleep in the speaking with our child, and husband in child’s single. Some nights we swap so I can get a decent sleep too.

Nights we want to be intimate we transfer sleeping child to his own bed, use our bed and fall asleep in there together and child will join us in the night when he undoubtedly wakes up without us.

Children have an inherent need to bed share. Some children are happy to sleep alone and some aren’t. Your husband needs to know that your child won’t bed share forever, and it would be helpful for your relationship if he switched it up with you once in a while..?

Is he wanting anything to change or just expressing that he misses sleeping in same bed?

I often think my husband is looking for a solution when he is just venting. Perhaps agreeing you would rather be sleeping in your own bed too and you both agree this is the stage of life you are at right now.

If he is actually expecting you to sacrifice sleep then he needs to become capable of taking his fair share of night awakenings for that to happen.

I agree and think it’s worth a try.

I only used to cosleep if they were ill, I can’t imagine doing it full time.

Hope you can resolve this for your sanity.

Its not necessarily sex, its emotional intimacy. There has to be a sense of the two of you as a couple outside of your parenting roles. I would suspect that this is what is missing as the children and their sleep demands have now bled over even into night time. I think it would be a great investment to get some help with a sleep consultant or similar to try to get a new routine in place. At some point you have to solve this, or youll be cosleeping for the next ten years.

"Either I share a bed with my husband and have to get up around 5 times a night and destroy myself in the process, or I sleep with my children and neglect our relationship still further."

Or... take active steps to try to address the sleep problem. This probably means pulling in some external help and advice, and then committing to the program to try to establish new sleep habits for your children. Someone upstream mentioned allowing the children to sleep together, and that sounds like a possible solution too.

Why doesn’t he do all the getting up and settling during the night then? Or he can sleep with the dc and you can have a full night alone in your bed? He won’t be alone then! And you’ll get sleep.

We co-slept at least some nights until my youngest was 6. I needed sleep. The deal was, Dh could do nights and I’d go sleep in the spare room if needed, or we could co-sleep and all get sleep. It was a no brainer. I very much doubt he wants to be up all night settling a 3 and a 5 year old, does he?

If he doesn’t like sleeping alone then he can sleep with one of the kids.

I agree with this.
It is normal for married couples to sleep together. (Although personally I love sleeping alone haha)

Sleep train. Both of you involved:

He sleeps with one, you sleep with one. Problem solved..

It's perfectly reasonable to miss sleeping with your partner. I miss sleeping with my partner (we each sleep with one of our small kids).

You need to come to a solution together - this is not your problem to solve. The solution needs to centre upon you both getting enough sleep because literally nothing else matters if you are sleep deprived.

Well he should cosleep with 1 or both of the kids then! he's being utterly ridiculous. he's an adult. I love sleeping alone. Saying he's lonely is just stupid, he's asleep.

🤢 at the adult man who hates sleeping alone. What a simpering baby. Tell him to grow up.

Brilliant . Problem solved .

This!

Has the silly fool not realised the irony in being annoyed that his DC don’t want to sleep alone - when he doesn’t want to sleep alone?!!

we put another bed next to ours, same height, cable tied the legs together and stuffed the gap between the mattresses. Then we had a family bed (and snuck off to the sofa for sex). Eldest started sleeping in own bed occasionally at 9 and regularly but not always, at 10. Youngest moved out at 8. Years later, it’s all a lovely memory.

What about when you're still in their beds at 8, 9, 11 even? My focus would be on the sleep issues with your children, both of you as a team together not just you. It will take time but I have just a little sympathy for him (only a little mind you). It’s not just about sex, it’s about addult connections without young children there. But this is MN after all where co- sleeping is the default practice and everyone just comes out with the same old quotes about ‘half the world sleep with their offspring’. etc etc. Of course young children are a priority (for you both) but it’s also crucial to have a healthy relationship as a couple (and sharing a bed is part of that - even without sex).

Tell him it's his own fault OP!

He hasn't helped with the night wakings, and has allowed you to be the only one suffering from lack of sleep.

Now that it's too late, because you've found a way to actually get a decent nights sleep (though it's obviously not your ideal), he's decided you're somehow 'neglecting' him ???

Tough shit! He was quite happy to 'neglect' you when you're getting up several times a bloody night with zero support from him!!

He has 2 choices. He either bloody well sucks it up, because it won't last forever, and he prioritises spending time with you earlier in the evenings and at weekends, or he starts doing the night wakings alone and just perseveres with the kids nightly and leaves you to sleep. (I'd recommend earplugs and nerves of steel to not interfere when the kids protest and want you).

Either way, the kids will eventually sleep through the night, but it'll take time.