“Men can’t be single”

[RubiconSparkling]

I’ve been wondering this for a while.
I keep seeing people say that men can’t cope on their own and always need to be in a relationship. But then I also see loads of women saying they can’t find a man who actually wants a relationship because all men seem to want is sex or something casual.
Maybe I’m missing something, but those two things don’t really seem to go together.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that most of the worry about being single or finding a partner seems to come from women. You don’t seem to see men talking about it nearly as much.
Curious what other people think..? If men can’t be single and need to be in relationships as much as people claim why do so many women say they have trouble finding a man that wants a relationship as all most men want is sex?

Women have a stronger "nest building" instinct and men have a stronger breeding instinct.

Well, quite.

The thing is, there are men who are definitely co-dependent serial monogamists +/- infidelity. Just like there are women who are co-dependent monogamists (with a bit less infidelity).

The difference is that we put the woman's pattern down to things like trauma. We see it as evidence of their vulnerability. With men, specifically heterosexual men, we see it as evidence of their propensity to harm, rather than a response to being harmed themselves.

But these men I speak of have a similar pattern of mutually toxic if not mutually abusive relationships to those women.

But they are not talking about men needing sex they specifically say men cant be alone and need to be in a relationship

Well that's the thing with sweeping statements, they don't apply to everyone. It does also beg the question of where you're hearing these statements said, if it mostly here on MN then you're not getting the actual views of many men

Yes it’s mainly said on mumsnet Tbf 🤣

Most people do want to be, men and women. Men have just traditionally been told they shouldn't show emotion/talk about feelings.

By men

I keep seeing people say that men can’t cope on their own and always need to be in a relationship

Yes, on Mumsnet, where a significant number of the users are either in, or have been in relationships with useless men, so their experience is of useless men, the ones who perpetually need to be in relationships so someone else is picking up the slack.

There are plenty of perfectly capable men who do not need to be in a relationship in order to function perfectly well, but you don't hear about those men on MN, because they are all going about their lives perfectly capably whether they are in relationships or otherwise.

If men can’t be single and need to be in relationships as much as people claim

This is the problem. If you are using MN as your yardstick, then you are getting a skewed picture because there is an overabundance of women on MN who have been in relationships with useless men, hence why this has become perceived wisdom when in reality all you are seeing is confirmation bias playing out.

I’ve never heard anyone say that.

I think some of the men who need to be in a relationship are driven by the practical rather than the emotional. Their partner becomes a substitute for the mother who spoiled them by doing everything for them or perhaps just kept a clean and tidy home. The multitude of posts on here about husbands and partners not proactively sharing the work that goes into maintaining a home would bear that out. Then there are the posts from women who have been dating someone who seems great until they go to their home and discover they live in mess and filth. I've yet to hear of any of these men tell their partner to stop cleaning and tidying up because they really don't like clean and tidy.

Well I am a 50 year old guy and I guess I do NEED to be in a relationship.

I have a good life, decent job, travel, lots of hobbies, small friend group and 2 great kids. But when single miss having that person to message frequently about our days, miss having a travel buddy, miss just sitting on sofa watching MAFS, miss cooking for someone or doing something nice for them, miss having affection like a kiss and a cuddle.

All normal things - not looking for a housekeeper, babysitter or just sex.

But conversely to what this post is about, there are lots of women saying "dating is rubbish, lots or awful men on the apps" yet I dont get that many hits on there. Despite having nice, good quality pics (close up and full length, no holding fish etc), detailed bio and questions - sure I may not pass for Paul Hollywoods twin brother but equally I dont look awful, just an average guy. I click on reasonable age ranges (44-52) and dont click on people who want say a 6 footer (I am shorter) or who I just know are out of my league.

M here, I don't need or want a relationship. That's my choice. I do like female company and sex.There are women who also like the same as I do. Life isn't as homogenised as people think.

Maybe there is a mismatch in the type of relationship?
I think men want to be in relationships and so do women but often their expectations of those relationships differ.

Generalising hugely of course, but men often seem happy with a relationship that just is, a comfortable, casual-ish relationship, and aren't looking or planning too far ahead whereas women often seem to want to know where the relationship is going and want more commitment e.g moving in, marriage etc.

As I say, that is a massive generalisation and there are many men and women who don't fit this at all.

I think my Ex H falls into this category.

We have been split for coming up to 2 years and I am astounded by just how much support he seems to need or want to run his own perfectly normal life.

Actually, that is not entirely true because the signs were there; I did ALL domestic and childcare stuff (with no thanks, which is partly why we are divorced) but it is incredible to me that after such a long time apart he STILL asks me to come over and help him do basic cleaning tasks, he asks if I would make him a roast dinner, and more pertinently to this topic, I am literally watching him try to latch on to every single woman in his professional path (we work in the same profession and the circles are small) and his dating criteria seems to be someone who can do laundry, cook and clean for him. Plus sex.But mainly domestic duties. That's all. Nothing about love, nothing about shared interests, nothing about shared hobbies - just that. That is all he talks about - someone to cook, clean and keep the house for him.

I am making him sound like a neanderthal in this post but he is in a senior level, well paid job, manages a team, shafted me in the divorce so it's not like he has huge outgoings to me or anything. His profile on an app would be attractive to most but he is just obsessed with the idea of finding someone - anyone - to do all the grunt work in his life.

And yes, he still asks me for sex every time we cross paths. 2 years later. It's quite pathetic really.

And when I do go back to our old home for drop off/handover of kids - it really is a mess. Not filth but just so untidy and unkempt. It really surprised me. Like - why can't you take care of your own living space as an adult, able bodied man?

To answer the original question @RubiconSparkling I feel like my ex is exactly the kind of person women are complaining about on dating apps.

He presents well - well dressed, well groomed, fully divorced, stable finances BUT if you were to actually progress the relationship past a few dates, a smart woman would see that he is just looking for a housekeeper and sex. He would be quite the disappointment to a woman like me in that respect. It's like the CV is good but the actual performance is dismal, for a woman looking for an equal partnership.

Men of a certain age who are divorced and have been in LTR need relationship because they have become totally dependent on a quasi mummy. Younger men are generally not like this and enjoy their freedom.

Generalising, but it seems that when men leave a long term relationship/marriage, there’s often another woman involved, whereas women are more likely to leave based solely on the relationship. When a spouse dies, men seem to move on with another partner much faster than women do.

I think many people of both sexes struggle with being single. Perhaps the difference is that men are more likely to go out and seek someone new because they don’t want to be alone, whereas women are more likely to stay in a shitty relationship with somebody they don’t love because they don’t want to be alone. Seems to be the pattern I see a lot on MN.

I don't know what the stats show, but from personal experience (I'm early 50s so most of my acquaintances are 45-55):
I know plenty of single men. Some of them have been single for years and seem to be ok with that. Some of them would like a partner but haven't managed to find one. I know of single men who split in the last few years and found someone knew quite quickly and one who's wife died and found someone else after 5ish years.
I know plenty of single women too. Some of them are carefree and happily single, others tell me all about their dates, or how they struggle to find men. One friend was telling me yesterday all the good men are married or don't go out.
I know other women who separated and then found someone else, either quite quickly or after a few years.
So, from personal experience, both men and women are pretty similar.

Many men want a relationship because even the best bro-mances don't go into the areas that friendship with women cover : @FloydPink addresses this well.

Hetero men have been conditioned not to be too intimate with other men whereas women are happy to care for each other. Women can have closer friendships with other women so the pressure to find a partner is not as great.

Bro-mance buddies are great - they enjoy the same hobbies so they're good company and they'll do all the things you like, whatever those are: cooking, sailing, gaming, cycling, gardening, sport and more.

• but your best bro is not going to bring you 2 paracetamol after a rough night, listen to your ED woes (not that you'd share) or help you buy pants. Even the most sympathetic bro is no match for a woman's care.

My DDad is a walking example of all of the above. He likes regular shagging and he likes doting attention. He's been married 3x and had two long-term, med-distance relationships. He and his current lady friend live in their own houses in different towns and do their own housework. They alternate a few days at each house at a time.

Serial monogamy isn't a gendered thing; I've seen it play out both ways. A friend of mine had her partner leave her in December. She was devastated, grieving hard. By the end of January, she was back on the dating apps. By April, she'd met the love of her life.
He's still on his own; meanwhile, no apps, no dates, just working and raising his family.
But you see the other pattern too, all over dating threads: "he left his wife three months ago, think he's interested?" Everyone moves at their own speed, and some people barely pause.
I don't believe for a minute that everyone leaves or divorces because of major issues. I know plenty of men and women who regret divorcing, the merry-go-round of dating and relationships, which saps the soul. And this whole idea of "the one", there must be dozens of "the ones" in some people's lives, given how fast they cycle through them.

Honestly, I'm just glad I'm married and don't have to navigate the modern dating shitshow.

Mostly by other men, yes. But also by quite a few women. There is a subset of women who find a man displaying weakness or vulnerability in any other than a very few socially-acceptable situations as seriously off-putting.

Men want to be in relationships for the sex, companionship, free labour and a signal to the world and other men they aren’t gay or weird. Homophobia is still a huge thing.

They all aren’t willing / able to put in equal effort to those relationships and women are longer willing to sacrifice themselves.

Could it possibly be that neither men nor women are homogeneous masses? Why is MN so fixated on attributing any and all character differences in humans to their sex?

Being the kind of person who needs to be in a relationship vs the kind of person who's perfectly happy single - and the whole range of preferences in between - has nothing to do with whether you're male or female.

Because, of course, all men are exactly the same.

Meanwhile back in the real world there are men (such as myself) who are happily single. I've had relationships but now I'm in my 50s and having tried the hellhole that is online dating I really can't be arsed.

I think the majority of people of either sex would prefer being in a loving relationship to being single. That’s not to say that there isn’t a substantial minority who are contented singles.