“Men can’t be single”

[RubiconSparkling]

I’ve been wondering this for a while.
I keep seeing people say that men can’t cope on their own and always need to be in a relationship. But then I also see loads of women saying they can’t find a man who actually wants a relationship because all men seem to want is sex or something casual.
Maybe I’m missing something, but those two things don’t really seem to go together.
Another thing I’ve noticed is that most of the worry about being single or finding a partner seems to come from women. You don’t seem to see men talking about it nearly as much.
Curious what other people think..? If men can’t be single and need to be in relationships as much as people claim why do so many women say they have trouble finding a man that wants a relationship as all most men want is sex?

I think you are confusing people with the wild bird world.

If theres all these men so desperate to be in relationships then why do so many women say they struggle to find a partner and all men want is sex (not a relationship for sex but casual sex with multiple women)

Yeah, we love to build a tasteful, comfortable, peaceful nest. Not so keen on having a man come along to mess it up though.

You sound very similar to my DP. He doesn’t do well on his own, but for the reasons that you stated. He likes to do the cleaning and cooking himself and likes me to rest up at the end of the day or in weekends, as my job is quite stressful. I am treated like a princess and have to really insist that I want to do my share!

We had both come out of long term marriages when we got together and had been friends for a long time whilst we were both in our marriages, so we didn’t have the apps experience, but it does make me sad when I see that men are often accused of looking for a partner to service physical needs rather than to simply enjoy life’s pleasures together… (but also aware that I may just be super lucky because he really is wonderful to me!)

You get that men aren't some hivemind who all want the same thing right?

Some men just want to be in a relationship, and so jump into one the moment their marriage ends or partner dies.

Some men just want short term flings and sex.

And some men will just want to be single forever.

Only one of those 3 categories is likely to be on the dating scene for any length of time.

For instance, my DP's Dad has been alone since DP's Mum died over a decade ago. She was the love of his life, and he couldn't see any other woman ever measuring up, so he never even tried. He's a good man who could make someone very happy, but noone else is ever going to find that out because he's not a part of the dating pool.

My StepDad on the other hand is a serial monogamist. He needs to be in a relationship, and is a very good partner when he is. He met my Mum a few weeks after his divorce (his ex-wife had an affair), and then he met a new girlfriend a couple of months after my Mum died. She didn't last but he met a new partner a few weeks after that and they've been together ever since. He's a good man who's made a good few women very happy, but most women will never get a chance to find out because he's never single for long enough.

And then you have my Dad, who is just a crap human being, and has spent the bulk of his adult life future faking women into short term flings that they thought were the beginning of something longer.

So my DPs Dad has has made 2 women very happy in his life, my StepDad four. And in the same period of time my own Dad has managed to make probably 100 women very pissed off with him.

Most women who are trying to find a good partner will struggle, because most good partners aren't dating, they're busy being someones partner.

Of course men can be on their isn, but it also depends on what you mean. Men do seem not to be able to commit - that’s the difference I think. Happy to have a girlfriend but not be too serious about it.

I'm a man who has been single and living alone (except for the kids!) following a divorce since November. So not long. My life is full with work, a new house which needs a lot of work, gardening, hobbies and having the kids 50/50.

It's definitely financially much harder and I do miss some aspects of living with my ex. But I don't feel that I have the time and space to pursue a relationship at the moment, if I meet someone in the wild, great. But I won't join the apps just yet.

However, I have been surprised by the number of people who have asked if I've joined the apps yet. It feels like there is an expectation for people to move on and, to be honest, I feel a bit odd not wanting to yet. So maybe some of it is social pressure.

Consider if there is a sizable proportion of people of both sexes who really need to be in a relationship. Then imagine the way people get together isn't matching those people up very well so you get constant miss-matches. People of both sexes saying they can't find the relationship they need.

It isn't a sex specific matter, it is the way people match up. Lots of people matching up in the wrong couples then splitting up.

Yes, because that's where they get their sex from and their laundry done.

According to The Standard newspaper, in 2023 the number of men living alone had grown by more than the number of women since 2013, with 415,000 more men living alone, and 204,000 more women. My DB's lived alone all his life and I know quite a few batchelors. Growing up, one man lived in a local wood all his life. I think people talking about men wanting sex is way too simplistic. Bob Marley said 'no woman no cry' but everyone here seems to think men just hop from one woman to another because they either want to be looked after, want sex, or both. Some men I know who live alone are fiercely independent and wouldn't tolerate a woman or anyone else looking after them.

Don't the men you know do their own laundry?

Why do you think you know such poor characters? Is it something to do with your background?

Same. I wonder where all these men are who can't look after themselves. Do you think they cluster around particular types of women?

It should also be pointed out that there are also people (men and women alike, but I would guess more men) that are perfectly happy being on their own.

My BiL divorced about a decade ago and he is (or appears to be) perfectly happy not being in any sort of regular relationship after the end of the marriage.

I do wonder if this sort of thing runs in families? My DH mentioned once that a couple of his wider family (cousins, 2nd cousins - he comes from a large extended family and so has lots of cousins) also have never been in any sort of long-term relationship.

One remained living at home, eventually supporting his elderly parents until they died. The other seems to be a perfectly well adjusted person but seems to never had any interest in a long-term relationship.

What the actual situation is with each of these men, I don't know, but I really do wonder if this sort of thing runs in families.

I’d love to meet a man that wants kids nowadays!

Possibly because those men don’t meet the ‘standards’ the women wants… and the ones she does know they appeal to lots so don’t feel the need to settle down (as the next one will be along shortly after).

If someone tells me they struggle to find partners, I assume it is because they repel any decent people in their dating pool. It's a good way of letting people know you are a red flag.

This is very similar to my circumstances and I’ve found the same.

Regularly get asked if I’m seeing anyone or been on any dates recently, but truth is I just don’t feel 100% ready.

My ex though, she moved on very quickly and started dating within weeks (and moved in with her new guy after 3 weeks of dating).

Yes I do. Supply and demand maybe.

I disagree OP. Nearly every single man on dates (apps) has come on too strong and are clearly desperate for a relationship/coupledom. Always the way. Scares me off and freaks me out.

Never met a man on the apps who was secure and a bit hard to get.

God you sound like gold dust on this site where men are a truly hated species. What's MAFS? I love the bit about 'holding fish'. I wish you well.

From what I hear at work the single men are either feast of famine on the sex front. So there is a sizable population who don't want a relationship that interferes with how they currently get sex.

Most couples I know seem to split laundry.

I'm nearly 50 and and im used to living on my own, so much so that it would take something really special to change that. As ive been single 20 years now I cant see anything changing.

Ten years ago I was interested. I used to make an effort when I went out, I used to care much more than I do now. After a while you find things to do; I go to church, I go to the gym, I bought my flat really close to work and look after me first. I've no tattoos, I work in a primary school as a behavioural SEN and I keep myself busy.

It is better this way then always being told that for whatever reason I don't meet someone's criteria.

I think men have shallower relationships than women, my brother was happily married for 20 years and was blind sided when his wife said she wanted a divorce, he was utterly devastated for a few days and then off out as a single man.
2 months later he met the woman he intendeds to marry and is as happy as can be.
His ex wife is still trying to get over the divorce she instigated because although she decided she wanted to live alone and do her own thing she still felt sad and took time to process and get over the divorce, he hasn’t given it a second thought and just moved on.
A neighbour lost his wife to illness not so long ago and he was a devoted and loving husband for years but within no time he had a new partner.
I think men can just transfer where they were in one relationship onto another and just pick up where they left off and carry on with someone else.

These are anecdotes, do they translate into stats? Maybe.
I was shocked when a female friend, who lost her wife to cancer at 42, quickly met another woman and is getting married again already only a couple of years after losing the love of her life!

@3milesofwashing so let me get this straight. Your brother's wife emotionally checked out of her marriage then went on to find some other bloke to have sex with while still married and presumably lying to her husband about what she was doing.

Yet the person you criticise as having a "shallower relationship" is your brother.

That's wild.