Has anyone ended a marriage after strong attraction to someone else?

[MeadowSuite]

As the title, I’m not looking for advice per se - just insight, has anyone ended a marriage because they had intense sexual attraction to someone else?

Not planning on acting on it, but sex with DH is a bit meh, and he’s not overly receptive to change. I’m early 50s, thought my libido had all but gone but developed a huge attraction to another man, and it’s very much fired up again and so I’m wondering if i should consider separating, or just ride it out.

If you’ve been in this position what did you do, and do you regret it?

For absolute clarity I would separate to be on my own. We have teens, and DH is otherwise pretty great.

There is so much more to this (obviously) - you’re married and presumably have been for a long time. For better or worse. You made vows and IMO I wouldn’t be breaking them just because I happened to fancy someone else… Attraction is fleeting and even if you felt like this for a year, in the grand scheme of things, that’s no time at all. Also you say you’d separate to be on your own - so not acting on the attraction anyway. If you DID act on it then you’d probably have sex once if you’re lucky and the bubble will burst. And you’ll have ended your marriage for a sh*g, basically…
No judgment here OP but I wouldn’t go ending your marriage over this. No way

Has this happened before? Have you spoken to him before about the issue?

You are literally asking if anyone would blow up a marriage with a “decent DH” for a shag. The answer is yes, people do, all the time. Does it end well for them? Not very often…..

Look up limerence.

I would work on your marriage first before separating

I hit my 50's with raging pre-menopause hormones and dated an ex flame while married. I knew it was the end of my marriage and fully confessed. The next few years were hell but I stuck it out and am now free and living in my own house. I think of the affair as a catalyst.

Pragmatically I think I would be absolutely insane to end it. But the sexual attraction I feel for this other guy is more intense that I’ve ever felt, and I know how ridiculous that sounds.

DH have discussed our sex life a bit, I would have previously thought that every marriage has its ups and downs, but I don’t know if I’m being fair to him as I’ve never felt this way for him. Still very much love him, and fancy him a bit I suppose.

Don’t rush into anything. Can you channel the sex drive into your DH - since you at least still fancy him a bit? Seems bonkers to blow up the marriage just because you realised you’ve still got it.

Doesn't everyone experience attraction towards other people during a long relationship? I certainly have and I know that DH has too. Acting on it and blowing up your marriage isn't wise IMO, because the attraction fades after a while anyway, it's a passing crush.

So think about this before doing anything @MeadowSuite , how will it affect your teenagers, for example?

Are you thinking you’d break up in order to shag this specific guy?

Whar happens when you realise he farts proudly after sex (or insert turnoff of choice) and you get the ick? Or do you think you’ve got a chance of finding everything your DH has plus a sex god with an insatiable libido?

@BruFord it would be awful.

I’ve had the occasional mild crush but this is something else on another scale. And yes he’s married too, so an absolute no go.

Thankfully he’s not a work colleague and I can avoid him for the most part. We’ve been friends a while but something inexplicably changed between us quite recently, and I’m almost certain it’s mutual. But no, not going to go there.

Absolutely not, DH is really so great in so many ways.

I would assume the titillation of the unavailability is actually a solid part of the attraction.

Putting your finger exactly on what’s changed recently will probably help figure out why you’re suddenly desperate to shag him.

@MeadowSuite I think you're wise, just leave it and see what happens. It'll probably fade away.

Sorry, so why are you considering a divorce? Is it just guilt about your feelings?

I'm with @BruFord on this: not everyone in an LTR feels attraction to others but I certainly have and I think it's pretty normal to do so. If everyone else magically ceased to be attractive when we marry, why would the vow to forsake all others be necessary? For me, one of the points of commitment is not letting passing attraction to others (even strong attraction) outweigh my love for DH. I've had minor crushes here and there and a couple of strong crushes over the 25+ years we've been together (including one on a guy I had known for about 10 years who suddenly became interesting in the way you describe (though I don't think it was mutual)). I have never had any intention of acting on them (except occasionally in my head) and at no point did I want to leave DH for these other men. In fact, my love for DH was utterly undiminished.

The way I see it - it's natural to occasionally be curious about the shiny and new. I assume that this would apply whoever I had been with for the last 25+ years. I'm pretty sure that there are lots of men out there with whom I could enjoy spending some time, having a bit of chat and having a bit of sex. But what really excites me is that after 25+ years together at the coalface of parenting, running a household, paying bills etc, DH and I still enjoy spending time together, still have things to talk about, still make each other laugh, we still find each other interesting, still snuggle up in bed and, yes, still have sex. I am not at all sure that I would have found that with another man.

Why on earth would you end your marriage just because you find another man attractive? Assuming you haven't done anything with him, you've no idea what it would be like anyway. It's all in your head. Well, a few percent elsewhere, but completely unreal. And you're thinking of divorce over this? There must be more to it.

Yes, I should let him have the chance to be with someone who doesn’t have such intense feelings for someone else.

I know it’s not sane really, if DH was given the option without knowing I know he’d chose me and allow me to wait it out. But I can’t tell him without devastating him, and you can’t unknow.

My ex husband ended our marriage when he feel for someone else. He did end up cheating before hand though. She ended up cheating on him around 2 years later.

This is insanity. You don't even know if this guy likes you back, you haven't got a clue what it would be like if you got together. And you're thinking of divorcing so your husband can find someone who never experiences attraction elsewhere? Nobody is that altruistic, that's ridiculous. What's really going on?

@MeadowSuite - don't tell your DH. He doesn't need to know this. What would be your purpose in telling him? To make him anxious, uncertain, jealous?

Just keep in mind that if this other guy were your DH, then it could well be the man who is your now DH who you were madly crushing on.

These things matter as much as you let them. There's no doubt that this kind of attraction is quite a heady thing - there is an excitement in feeling physical attraction to someone, particularly if you have the sense that it might be reciprocated. It's flattering and can feel quite affirming. But I'm pretty sure that the excitement of this attraction would pall dreadfully if it left your marriage in tatters and your family life wrecked. I'm pretty sure you would quickly feel it was not worth the price you had paid.

There was a post on here a few years back from a women who, in the throes of menopause, had an affair and left her DH for another man, despite her DH pleading with her not to do so. When the dust settled, she looked back in horror at what she had done. She was desperate to reconcile with her DH and resume their life together but her DH would not take her back because she had done too much damage and he felt he could never trust her again. She was posting as a warning to others not to make the same mistake as her.

Are you expecting me to say something’s happened? Because it hasn’t. Though I do really really want it to, but I can’t be responsible for destroying two marriages.

I didn’t know it was possible to have such intense feelings, almost all consuming. And pp probably right - strong element of forbidden fruit at play. I feel guilty trying to pretend to be normal around DH.

Those who you who have felt like this, can you understand that it’s possible that not everyone has?

Yes I did many years ago. I dont regret it, and relationship lasted about a year. My marriage was o er before I fell for someone else. Im now remarried and wouldn't do anything to jeopardise this relationship, been together nearly 20 years

No. Direct those thoughts towards pepping up your own marriage. Strong attraction doesn’t mean a good relationship.

It’s called limerance, it’s a known phenomenon. The important thing is to recognise that it’s NOT a sign of some special and unique connection. The obsessive thinking is a clue. The cure for it, unpleasant though it may be, is starvation. You just have to stop seeing this guy and stop thinking about him. Don’t indulge in fantasies. Distract yourself when thoughts pop up. Picture him sitting on the loo, forehead vein straining.

The intense attraction could be literally nothing more than a hormone surge (which is common around menopause) but if you’re honest with yourself, more likely it was triggered by something that this guy did/does/said that fills a hole for you that you’re not really recognising what that is.

That’s what you really need to address, otherwise even when you get over this guy (honestly, in a year or so you’ll look back and wonder what the hell you were thinking) you’ll be susceptible to the next fantasy partner.

This is insanity op, more than likely driven by hormones. This man would probably end up being a complete douchebag. And a crap shag to boot!
Give your head a wobble and have a look at the dating threads on here for women our age? It is NOT good!
DO NOT blow up your life, that of your children ( however adult they may be) and your decent DH for some fanny gallops!!!