Has anyone ended a marriage after strong attraction to someone else?

[MeadowSuite]

As the title, I’m not looking for advice per se - just insight, has anyone ended a marriage because they had intense sexual attraction to someone else?

Not planning on acting on it, but sex with DH is a bit meh, and he’s not overly receptive to change. I’m early 50s, thought my libido had all but gone but developed a huge attraction to another man, and it’s very much fired up again and so I’m wondering if i should consider separating, or just ride it out.

If you’ve been in this position what did you do, and do you regret it?

For absolute clarity I would separate to be on my own. We have teens, and DH is otherwise pretty great.

Watch ‘Unfaithful’. It’s a good movie. But a great wake up call to show you why it’s never worth it, no matter how strong the attraction. Cherish the pretty great man that you have.

My ex did something like this

Sat me down after I’d returned from a trip to America and said there was someone else

We talked it through and agreed to separate -

very amicable. Only thing was that she had completely misread the situation and he wasn’t at all interested in her

In actual fact it turned out to be a good thing for both of us as we were better on our own

Can’t you use this crush as fuel to kick start your sexual relationship with your husband? You can use your imagination in the bedroom . It’s not uncommon to think of other people, I would say most men do it . If you want him to be better in bed then start telling him what you want . He’s not a mind reader . If you think he’s just bring lazy in bed then tell him .

To second another poster, look up 'Limerence'. It's intense.

You sound obsessed with this person. I suspect you are hoping that if you split up with your DH you can get together with this man.

It's limerence. Read up on it before it ruins your life

This and re “separate to be on your own” would you fund this independently?
move out of the family home?

It’s just your ovaries having a last hurrah. It’s just chemicals. There’s no reality here. Your DH would give you a kidney if you needed it. That’s real.

Yes, can guarantee its hormones and ovaries. Ignore it.

I sympathise, honestly. I went through limerance with a guy from work, I was absolutely besotted with him and it did contribute to my breakup with the kids dad. The difference is that my ex wasn't a good person anyway and in hindsight it was the catalyst I needed to breakup with him.

I was fwb with the new bloke for a few years, it took a long time to get over the limerance, but ultimately he didn't feel the same way and I was just an easy shag. Now I'm happily single but as someone else said there aren't really any options for dating at our age so make sure you'd genuinely be OK with being single for the rest of your life! I think you'd regret losing a good husband!

Do read up on it and go no contact with the guy, but it's very hard. Good luck x

But how shitty for the dh…. How magnanimous of @MeadowSuite to remain with him when she’d be so much happier with someone else! Would you leave your husband if your crush gave the nod?

OP, you say you love your DH and also fancy him to an extent. I sometimes contemplate divorce, but for us physical intimacy is next to non existent since several years and I feel quite disconnected emotionally as well. I’m attracted to someone vaguely in my life but he could never be the reason I’d separate. Right now I can say I care for my DH and appreciate he’s a good and kind man and a good father. I actually don’t know if I love him romantically anymore or if that feeling could ever be rekindled. If I could still say for sure that I love him and also fancy him, then I defo wouldn’t consider divorce just because I’ve felt stronger attraction to someone else. I’m not sure I understand why would you divorce over that if you say you wouldn’t act on it in any case? Or do you still secretly wish it would come to that eventually?

OP I’m in the same boat. I think you’ve had some quite harsh responses. It’s not like we consciously chose to lust after someone else.

I’ve been with my DH 15 years, I am currently obsessed with someone else and had another intense crush about 10 years ago. Really intense but it eventually passed. When I think back I can’t believe I was so into this person. I probably would have left DH if it was reciprocated which is insane. We would have made a terrible match.

Now I’m in the throes of another major crush, it’s been about 2 years. I keep thinking and hoping it will pass too.

The best advice is to avoid your crush as much as possible but I must admit I find that really hard.

I’ve been talking it through with a therapist which has been really useful. Saying it out loud helps the feelings of secrecy and she is helping me understand more about myself, my marriage and the way I relate to people.

A few sessions of counselling could help.

Limerence. It is like a drug and will definitely mess with your sense of reality. I’ve had intense crushes like this my whole life but thankfully was never in a position to actually cheat. I’ve come to accept it’s just part of who I am and I would never tell DH because it doesn’t change that I love him and he’s far superior to any of the people I’ve had crushes on.

Something to consider is to ask yourself what is missing that this person appears to fulfil? Often it’s something in yourself, such as they’re younger and you are mourning your youth, or they’re very talented at something you wish you could do. Try to find what it might be that they are fulfilling in you and fix it in another way. And also try to focus on what you can do to nourish your own marriage if you don’t want to leave.

This is why women have affairs in their 50s, I know a few who have done so. They never considered leaving their DHs though.

You have a crush! It’s insanely exciting because you can’t have it! Relationships are based on more than a few wild shags. Your husband sounds really great. Give him the respect he deserves and put this one to bed literally !

It may be, but it could be some unmet need that this man appears to meet.
I've felt like this and I'm post menopause so definitely not my ovaries/surge in hormones.

What have you done as a couple and as individuals to fix your sex life? Because it's really unwise and crazy to leave an actual life partnership for a shag or two with someone who's not going to hold your hand and support you through old age.

I'd begin to think about how it's best to always treat a person the way you'd want to be treated in the same situation, regarding your spouse.

I'm assuming you'd want him to put up boundaries, and gain distance from his crush, because the mature and ethical thing to do would be to first finish one relationship before beginning a new one if divorce is imminent. Or to try to fix the marriage without outside interference.

It's also best consider how you can't see the forest for the trees. If this other man is giving you signals he's into you, then the fact is that he's willing to cross boundaries even as he's taken. So if you think you'd be that special one he'd never do that to if both of you became divorced and coupled up, you're being very naive. If either of you say things to each other that you wouldn't say in front of your spouses, that's crossing boundaries.

If you have or would say to him, "It'd be fun to try sexy role playing. Let's go to the couples store and buy new toys and massage oil for the bedroom. I was researching on new positions to try. Let's give it a go." Has he or would he actually say no? If so, could it be that he needs his hormones checked. Maybe he needs a pill to help him out. Could be because of the obvious emotional disconnection, which your emotional affair is a symptom of.

Marriages are like plants. If ignored, they will wilt and die. You really need to totally cut off your "friend" and put in full effort with your husband. You owe that to yourself, your husband and children. If efforts over time don't work, get divorced if you wish. But if you're smart, you'll not date for a good year. Even if it's your choice, you need to go through all the stages of an ending, and you need to get your head back on straight. Plus, your children will need your total focus to situate to a new norm. You don't want them angry if they see you jumping into a new relationship before or right after a divorce. Believe me, they will blame you and be angry if they witness that. It'll be better mentally for them if they see the divorce as you and their Dad growing apart versus you doing their dad dirty by leaving because of another man.

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I was in that position at the start of the year, working with someone for a few years. We moved projects and stopped working together and it’s the first time in my life I ever experienced ‘heart break’. And it’s so hard because you can’t talk to anyone about it irl. How do you explain to your husband why you feel down?

I’m about 5 months after it now, and it gets easier. I cried most days at first and now I rarely even think of him.

Ignore any negative comments, you can’t control or help how you feel. I didn’t go looking for that, but sometimes you click with someone. We didn’t ever flirt, it was purely a match of personalities.

Don’t divorce. It will pass, and you’ll feel the love of your marriage again. Marriage is for better for worse, it will peak again xx

I'm going through the very same thing. Pretty content with my marriage to a great guy, though after 25 years it's not fireworks anymore. I met someone in a professional capacity a year ago and my attraction to him is primal, that's the only way I can describe it. If I had the opportunity to spend an hour in a hotel room with him I'd grab it, consequences be damned. I have no sensible advice, I'm afraid, but just wanted you to know that you're not alone in this. Unfortunately for me it developed into full blown limerence, which is still a struggle.

Thanks, that’s actually really helpful. Sorry you’re experiencing something painful though.

This is exactly what I’m wrestling with, never felt desire like it, even when I first met DH.

I would be devastated if DH felt this way about someone else. Hence my original question - does he not deserve to be with someone better than me.

But going by many pp this is hopefully just a crazed menopausal hormonal surge and it’ll pass.

Attraction for someone isn't the same as day to day living.
If you leave your husband because you fancy someone else, who you say you would not have an affair with, what is the point?

Presumably your DH loves you and both he and the DC would be upset by you wanting to leave for something you can't have, why upset the apple cart? Why not just try to recapture some feelings for your DH?

Don't leave him for a fantasy. Leave him because you don't want to be married anymore. Otherwise it will be a costly mistake that you might regret.

OP don't throw away your marriage to a good man over a crush. And that's all it is. As pps have said it's almost certainly fueled by a perimenopausal surge in your hormones.
It's very common and l have felt it myself so know how all consuming it can be. But it won't last whereas your marriage will, and when the heady rush fades you will wonder what on earth you were thinking.
Your DH sounds like a good guy and you still love him so put your energies into him. Wait it out, distract yourself and go no contact with your crush. This feeling will soon pass.

I bet you have felt crushes like this before in your teens, but you don't remember how intense they felt and you weren't in a position to blow your life up for them.