Should I continue dating a kind man despite limited attraction?

[advicepleaseladies]

Relevant background is I am 39 and want children. I have some fertility issues and in early peri menopause atm but I have got some eggs frozen so that's a bit of saving grace (although by no means a guarantee of anything, I know!). I would do IVF or adopt to have a family as part of a couple. I am NOT emotionally ready to have a baby on my own right now (as people seem to often suggest). I am financially able to though, in case relevant.

I have been single/dating for just over a year.

There is one guy who I am dating non-exclusively (my choice, because of the below) at the moment. We had a few dates last year and I wasn't feeling it as I didn't fancy him but he reached out again this year. We caught up a few times as "friends" but have in the past month or so given it a go more as a couple. He is very keen on me and would like to be in a relationship if I was ready for that. He's a great guy in so many ways - kind, considerate, honest, intelligent, financially stable and the most important thing for me - really wants kids and I believe he wouldn't mess me around.

He has dabbled in drugs in the past but I believe him that he's no interest in them now. He was also vaping but had largely given that up (both deal breakers for me). He is honest with me when he had a cigarette etc when drinking with mates over the past couple of months. I believe/am hopeful this is largely dealt with.

The main thing for me is the level of attraction I feel for him. He is not my type lookswise/style wise and he is not as confident/assertive as I would like. This is probably the bigger thing vs looks as, for example, he has told me a story where his family member said a certain thing that we both disagree with and he didn't stand up and say anything. I am very assertive and would not have let that slide if it were me, this is the sort of thing I wonder if it would become an issue in future - if he is too mild mannered etc. I also am not sure how much we have in common.

I keep overthinking it and wondering if I should just cut it off as I don't want to hurt him and also wonder if the attraction has not grown to what I would like by now, will it ever? We have had very honest chats about this stuff and I am not leading him on (obv I have not said explicitly I don't feel there's enough attraction but he knows I wonder if there's enough "chemistry" there). He also agrees that he wonders if we have enough in common/are each other's types but he is more keen to just go for it! But of course if it doesnt work out he still has plenty of time (43) to meet someone else and have a family, whereas I do not..

I do care about him and having feelings for him and I certainly believe I could fall in love with him and be pretty happy but I wonder if I'd always be looking at other men I fancy more. Or is that something that is likely to not be a priority as I age and hopefully have a family and get distracted with kids?

Grateful for any thoughts and advice.. I guess to summarise, how important is being really attracted to someone vs being with a kind, decent guy?

I am NOT emotionally ready to have a baby on my own right now (as people seem to often suggest). I am financially able to though, in case relevant.

Can you afford a live-in nanny? It sounds like that would be a much better fit for you.

thank you for the comments..

I'm a little confused by those that seem to think it's so awful that I'm continuing to date a man (it's been a matter of weeks only!) for whom I'm questioning my levels of attraction. I am pretty sure if he was given the option of me ruling him out entirely or saying I'd like to continue seeing him and seeing if attraction grows, he would like the latter - he's basically said as much! (Although I have obviously been very subtle with what I have said to him vs on here - "chemistry" is what I have said as I do not want to hurt his feelings). The fact that it is not exclusive also means that it is not like I am wasting his time or stopping him meeting anyone else (I am aware he went on a second date with someone else last week, although we do not talk in great detail about all of this but it came up).

I read on here a lot about how attraction can grow and/or about how the most important thing in choosing a partner is more about their personality - kindness, calmness, approach to arguments, splitting the mental load etc, so wanted more advice/comments from people from that aspect. It now seems that most people are saying that strong physical attraction is in fact the most important thing which is different from what I often read..

I have added in the info about fertility/children etc as it is relevant also due to ages and I am sure people would have asked our ages and if I want kids as it's part of the bigger picture of how much time we have to date/not be exclusive/decide it's not working.

re vaping/smoking - he "gave up" on his own/for himself before we started dating. I am not policing his habits, I am saying this is a deal breaker for me but he had already "given up" (with some slip ups) and so it has been a topic of conversation.. and also a potential negative thing to consider.

thank you, this is a positive story to read!

There doesn’t need to be strong attraction, but there needs to be the ability for the attraction to grow. There definitely shouldn’t be an “ick”. Do you have that in between state where it could develop? The slow burn start ends up stronger, but ick doesn’t change. Massive spark at first fizzles out, ime.

I had a friend who always rejected men because of lack of spark. She really wanted children, but never had them because of this and is childless & single now in our 50s.

I personally would rather have had a stable relationship and children with a kind man whose attractions grew on me than finally marry late then divorce a handsome man as she has done. Handsome men often play the field unfortunately, as he did.

You need to know yourself though and what will work for you.

A person you don’t fancy - is a friend.

We need to stop tying ourselves in knots over what ifs. If children don’t happen they don’t happen. You’ll do something else with your life. They are not relevant right now because you are not with the right person. Settling for the wrong person doesn’t change that.

I mean my goodness op you’re even sleeping with someone you don’t fancy. I know that’s unfortunately common amongst women infact but, it probably requires some deep therapy.

If you are settling for someone you don’t even fancy then you’re clearly dealing with some issues that need worked through big time. What if you passed this mindset on to a daughter? What would she end up settling for? Abuse? Settling is settling.

Stop worrying about what ifs and start asking yourself how at thirty seven you still don’t even like yourself. And how you are so worried about what might be’s that you are wasting your time and the time of another person, dating someone you don’t fancy.

Kids aren’t an entitlement. And if they don’t happen you may need to work that through at the time. But now you have other more pressing matters to resolve.

No-one is saying that strong physical attraction is the most important thing, they are saying that without physical attraction it's not likely to be a sustainable relationship, however good his other qualities are. Given that you are not ready to have a baby on your own, that's an especially important point. It's often much harder to co-parent than it is to go it alone from the start, especially if there was no solid relationship to start with.

Wow.
Just not the case.. and if it was, there are things to do to help with that.

I read on here a lot about how attraction can grow and/or about how the most important thing in choosing a partner is more about their personality - kindness, calmness, approach to arguments, splitting the mental load etc, so wanted more advice/comments from people from that aspect. It now seems that most people are saying that strong physical attraction is in fact the most important thing which is different from what I often read..

They are both important. It shouldn't be either/or. And it's not about assessing them from a tickbox list, it's about individual compatibility.

To be honest, the aspect of your OP that screamed incompatibility to me was your dislike of a fairly important aspect of his personality - his passivity. That is who he is, it will show up in many areas of his life and you already don't respect him for it.

I'm not sure what to think about your level of attraction given you say you're not attracted to him but you enjoy the sex. You don't think he's good-looking, but he is good in bed?

To be honest, the aspect of your OP that screamed incompatibility to me was your dislike of a fairly important aspect of his personality - his passivity. That is who he is, it will show up in many areas of his life and you already don't respect him for it.

I agree with this.

If you were to have kids with him, this will get exponentially worse. You would have to be driving force for yourself, your dc and him, and it would be fucking exhausting.

You say that and in the past I would have agreed. But my partner over last 3 years is not my type physically. I am attracted and love her as a person and thats the overriding factor for me. Funny enough its the same the other way round and has been a little on/off in that time so maybe you are right!!

Having children is so incredibly hard. However hard you think it is, you’re seriously underestimating it. Doing it with a guy you don’t even feel that much connection to is going to be a truly horrific experience. It’s hard enough to keep a relationship alive post kids with someone you were once obsessed with.

Show him your question and you’ll have your answer.