Should I continue dating a kind man despite limited attraction?

[advicepleaseladies]

Relevant background is I am 39 and want children. I have some fertility issues and in early peri menopause atm but I have got some eggs frozen so that's a bit of saving grace (although by no means a guarantee of anything, I know!). I would do IVF or adopt to have a family as part of a couple. I am NOT emotionally ready to have a baby on my own right now (as people seem to often suggest). I am financially able to though, in case relevant.

I have been single/dating for just over a year.

There is one guy who I am dating non-exclusively (my choice, because of the below) at the moment. We had a few dates last year and I wasn't feeling it as I didn't fancy him but he reached out again this year. We caught up a few times as "friends" but have in the past month or so given it a go more as a couple. He is very keen on me and would like to be in a relationship if I was ready for that. He's a great guy in so many ways - kind, considerate, honest, intelligent, financially stable and the most important thing for me - really wants kids and I believe he wouldn't mess me around.

He has dabbled in drugs in the past but I believe him that he's no interest in them now. He was also vaping but had largely given that up (both deal breakers for me). He is honest with me when he had a cigarette etc when drinking with mates over the past couple of months. I believe/am hopeful this is largely dealt with.

The main thing for me is the level of attraction I feel for him. He is not my type lookswise/style wise and he is not as confident/assertive as I would like. This is probably the bigger thing vs looks as, for example, he has told me a story where his family member said a certain thing that we both disagree with and he didn't stand up and say anything. I am very assertive and would not have let that slide if it were me, this is the sort of thing I wonder if it would become an issue in future - if he is too mild mannered etc. I also am not sure how much we have in common.

I keep overthinking it and wondering if I should just cut it off as I don't want to hurt him and also wonder if the attraction has not grown to what I would like by now, will it ever? We have had very honest chats about this stuff and I am not leading him on (obv I have not said explicitly I don't feel there's enough attraction but he knows I wonder if there's enough "chemistry" there). He also agrees that he wonders if we have enough in common/are each other's types but he is more keen to just go for it! But of course if it doesnt work out he still has plenty of time (43) to meet someone else and have a family, whereas I do not..

I do care about him and having feelings for him and I certainly believe I could fall in love with him and be pretty happy but I wonder if I'd always be looking at other men I fancy more. Or is that something that is likely to not be a priority as I age and hopefully have a family and get distracted with kids?

Grateful for any thoughts and advice.. I guess to summarise, how important is being really attracted to someone vs being with a kind, decent guy?

I think if the chemistry isn't abundantly strong at the start, it will only decrease over time. Don't settle when it's not right x

It depends. Sex isnt that important to me and I can only ever be attracted to someone who is a decent person with similar values to me. So, if it were me, I'd go for it. As you get older and have children fancying someone becomes a lot less of a thing anyway. I'd be looking at him more as a viable co-parent if you want children. You need to be honest with each other though.

Interesting that you think you could fall in love with him, but you don't really fancy him. Are you sure about that? Falling in love to me is totally tied to attraction - when I've fallen in love a very powerful physical attraction was either there from the start or has grown as a completely intrinsic part of the love.

Do you mean you think you could grow to love him like a friend?

The bit about him not standing up to a family member would really worry me. That sounds like a clash of values that would end up turning anyone off because it totally erodes respect.

Don't settle. Nothing is worth the eventual pain catching up with you, and it will, in so many ways you can't comprehend right now.

We get one life. No redoing it.. Don't settle for less.

I'm not sure it's as simple as 'it doesn't matter because the importance of sex diminishes.

Sex isn't very important to me these days, either, post menopause and motherhood etc. However I still love my husband, respect him and find him attractive.

I can't imagine spending my life with someone as half of a couple unless I had that foundation, which was formed because we fell for one another, in body and mind.

If he's willing to be housemates and co-parents, maybe. But anything in the grey area between friends and partners could really wear you down over time, and frankly make you lonely in missing the connection you could have had with someone else.

Better to be alone than play pretend with someone you're not really into.

I’m a bit older and I feel sex does become less of a headline. But it’s good to have great chemistry as that leads to love. More pertinently, does he have a high sex drive? If so, you turning him down over sex will make him feel dejected and like a predator, leading to foreseen problems.

He’s not for you. And for your sake, and your potential children’s sake, I’d let it go.

I may be completely wrong with this, but my thought is that perhaps your picker is off. In the past, you've picked men you found dominant, exciting, but these men don't actually treat you well. And the passion you felt was mostly limerence.
When I met my husband, I thought he was too nice. Can you imagine? I thought too nice was a problem, because I was basically attracted to instability. I am SO GLAD I gave it a try.
With my husband, of course I find him really attractive, but what made that relationship different from those before was an instant sense of stability. Stability, on the surface of it, isn't very exciting, but I wouldn't want to go through life, particularly the stress of raising a child, going through family illness and loss, with anyone else.

Good grief, no

The lack of attraction will never go away.

If in the future he does anything to pi$$ you off, it will diminish even further and resentment will set in.

Life experience tells me this. Just don’t go there.

No. Obviously.

I genuinely don't know how people are able to enter into sexual relationships with those they have no attraction for. I would rather be alone.

You don't fancy him. Why the fuck would you do that to him? It would be incredibly cruel.

Firstly, the couples I know who have settled, haven't lasted (I'm 50 now and I've seen a lot).

So basically I'd say don't do it. How important is sex to you? And to him? If you could live as co-parenting friends it might work, but is far from ideal, especially as you already know you'd be attracted to other men, and he's into you romantically.

For me, my sex drive is probably average, but unlike many other mums it didn't drop during/after pregnancy, or through perimenopause, so there's no guarantee it'll fall.

Edit: it didn't even fall when I had 2 young children both with special needs. If anything, the escapism of romantic and sexual moments became even more important.

The self confidence thing is a big one. If you’re a confident, driven person and he’s more ‘go with the flow’, you’ll often find that over time, you’ll just be left planning and dealing with everything which, especially with kids in the mix, is a perfect recipe for burnout and resentment. You don’t necessarily have to find him gorgeous for this to work, but his lack of confidence would be a big no no for me.

Attraction isn't always instant. Sometimes it grows as you become more attached to someone.

When you say he isn't your usual type, do you mean that he's objectively attractive but his looks just don't do it for you personally, or do you mean you don't think he's attractive at all?

Like, there are a lot of men who I can see are objectively attractive, but I personally don't feel that pull towards them - but that might change if I got to know them and fell in love with them. Very different from looking at them and thinking 'Ugh'. Where on the fence are you, OP?

Is it settling? Or is it a huge opportunity at a stable and satisfying life and love with someone who chooses you? It’s so easy to be fickle but as others said be careful about what you are chasing. Many gravitate to excitement, romance and sexual attraction but those don’t make up for unkindness, lack of empathy and lack of support over the years from those independent, adventurous blokes, if one sticks around. Janis Joplin says if someone comes along he gonna give you some love and affection … get it while you can…

Personally I think that being with a man who is kind is more important than a massive sexual attraction. As long as you fancy him "enough". I would give him a chance OP.

I wouldn't necessarily think that he has plenty of time to meet someone else and have a family at 43. Of course biologically he is likely to have much longer than you (though that's not always the case) but I have a couple of friends in a similar position to him and they tell me it's incredibly hard. From talking to them it's a combination of: (a) not wanting to date significantly younger; (b) limited number of single women of right age who want children and don't have them; (c) these women being less keen on men over 40, and especially over 45, because of potential problems with sperm/fertility; (d) time pressure of wanting to test relationship before having children vs needing to crack on to have best chance of conceiving and not to be too old when potential children are growing up. I think you owe it to him not to continue unless you really can see this relationship lasting, or you're expressly agreed to be co-parents and nothing more. I would say that anyway, but especially for a man of this age who is v. keen on having children.

I think it is potentially unkind to stay with someone who you aren’t attracted too, I would hate knowing someone felt that way.

I think it is also stopping you both from finding a partner where there is attraction, without that they’re a friend imo.

You didn't fancy him last year and you don't fancy him this year. That's more than enough time to see if attraction develops, and it hasn't. (When attraction develops after a long period of time, it's usually with a platonic friend you hadn't been looking at with a relationship in mind, not with someone you've actually been dating.)

You don't even seem to like him that much. Yes, you say he's kind, but you're fairly contemptuous of what you see as his passivity. That's only going to get worse over time.

If you weren't 39 and/or didn't want kids you wouldn't even have given him a second chance. So no, don't continue dating him - it's not fair on you or on him.

I think you might be using him if you are dishonest to him about it.

plenty of people do this but if you’re both ok with it then go for it. But not a great foundation for a relationship, more like a codependency

When you say he's not your type could it be that you've been attracted to the wrong types? Chemistry isn't a reliable indicator of a good future partner, though of course we all want to feel it! Have you kissed yet or has it just been dating? Kissing should give you a good indication as to whether or not attraction can grow.

Thank you for all the comments and advice, I really appreciate it.

To answer a few questions/clarify some points..

I actually really enjoy sex with him. This is something that is rather confusing to me tbh as I've never slept with anyone I didnt feel a deep romantic connection with. But tbh I think basically I felt so safe with him that it literally did happen in an "one thing leads to another" kind of situation (with him taking the lead/pursuing it!). He's much more confident in bed and that side of things I'm genuinely really happy with! I know this might not make much sense but I feel a lot of loving feelings towards him during sex too (but is that a hormone thing?) It's more like day to day outside of the bedroom that I feel less confidence from him and less attraction.

Linked to the above, I do feel I could see myself falling in love with him like the way I loved my first partner who I was with from 18-28. With him I also didn't feel a strong sexual/physical attraction as we were just kids when we got together. I guess the difference with this guy is the sex side is WAY better.

My relationships after 28 onwards were with more dominant/confident men and I preferred this, I felt, to the first partner. Perhaps I'm worrying that this guy has some similarities to my ex and therefore assuming he'll be like him in other ways.

I do like him as a person too. He's a wonderful kind guy and we have a similar sense of humour/banter etc. We both worry about if we have enough in common day to day though as like very different music for example and I'm extroverted and he's more introverted.

Re his looks.. trying to be honest without being unkind and to answer the question, I do not think people would describe him as conventionally attractive.

You want him to be more assertive but he also has to check in with you if he has a cigarette or a pint with his mates?

@advicepleaseladies is the relationship strong enough to weather children not happening?

The drugs in the past would put me off not the occasional cigarette.