Should I continue dating a kind man despite limited attraction?

[advicepleaseladies]

Relevant background is I am 39 and want children. I have some fertility issues and in early peri menopause atm but I have got some eggs frozen so that's a bit of saving grace (although by no means a guarantee of anything, I know!). I would do IVF or adopt to have a family as part of a couple. I am NOT emotionally ready to have a baby on my own right now (as people seem to often suggest). I am financially able to though, in case relevant.

I have been single/dating for just over a year.

There is one guy who I am dating non-exclusively (my choice, because of the below) at the moment. We had a few dates last year and I wasn't feeling it as I didn't fancy him but he reached out again this year. We caught up a few times as "friends" but have in the past month or so given it a go more as a couple. He is very keen on me and would like to be in a relationship if I was ready for that. He's a great guy in so many ways - kind, considerate, honest, intelligent, financially stable and the most important thing for me - really wants kids and I believe he wouldn't mess me around.

He has dabbled in drugs in the past but I believe him that he's no interest in them now. He was also vaping but had largely given that up (both deal breakers for me). He is honest with me when he had a cigarette etc when drinking with mates over the past couple of months. I believe/am hopeful this is largely dealt with.

The main thing for me is the level of attraction I feel for him. He is not my type lookswise/style wise and he is not as confident/assertive as I would like. This is probably the bigger thing vs looks as, for example, he has told me a story where his family member said a certain thing that we both disagree with and he didn't stand up and say anything. I am very assertive and would not have let that slide if it were me, this is the sort of thing I wonder if it would become an issue in future - if he is too mild mannered etc. I also am not sure how much we have in common.

I keep overthinking it and wondering if I should just cut it off as I don't want to hurt him and also wonder if the attraction has not grown to what I would like by now, will it ever? We have had very honest chats about this stuff and I am not leading him on (obv I have not said explicitly I don't feel there's enough attraction but he knows I wonder if there's enough "chemistry" there). He also agrees that he wonders if we have enough in common/are each other's types but he is more keen to just go for it! But of course if it doesnt work out he still has plenty of time (43) to meet someone else and have a family, whereas I do not..

I do care about him and having feelings for him and I certainly believe I could fall in love with him and be pretty happy but I wonder if I'd always be looking at other men I fancy more. Or is that something that is likely to not be a priority as I age and hopefully have a family and get distracted with kids?

Grateful for any thoughts and advice.. I guess to summarise, how important is being really attracted to someone vs being with a kind, decent guy?

Pfffft, if vaping / smoking are dealbreakers for you then I think you're fooling yourself.

You're already involved in policing his habits - why does he feel the need "to be honest" with you about having a fag? You're not his mum or doctor. He shouldn't be giving up to please you, that never sticks. Breaking a habit has to be done for himself.

Either he gives up or he doesn't, it just seems like a friction point where you'll be acting controlling and he'll be letting you down. Honestly could not be arsed with it.

That's aside from the rest of it.

Without doubt, best to end it for both of your sakes. You deserve to be with someone who works for you, and he deserves to be with someone who actually wants to be with him. If you drag this out you're only going to wreck him.

I think you'd be using him to have kids and dumping him at some point because there's nothing there for you. I think that's really unfair to him.

Let him go find someone who will love him and wants to be with him instead of use him for sperm and tolerate him.

No, do not continue a relationship with a man you're not attracted to just because you want a sperm donor. It would be deeply unfair to him and the relationship will go sour very, very quickly. You would be using him. It's not fair.

There are a billion threads a year on Mumsnet from women who 'settled' for someone because they believed their time was running out, then had a baby and basically had zero interest in their husband the moment the baby arrived and are then annoyed because their husband wants an actual marriage rather than essentially sharing a baby with a flatmate. It always causes horrible angst and resentment.

I’d say - do continue. In my dating life, I found a book called Mr Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb really helpful. It helped me to stop pursuing emotionally unavailable good looking assholes haha!

“Fancying someone becomes less of a thing”.. wow.. only in unhappy relationships. I want stomach flips till the day I croak.

From these posts it seems so many women don’t want sex and aren’t intending to have much of it with these men. Very sad.

Honestly it’s only the red hot attraction that keeps you together during pregnancy and child rearing

Let him go and find someone who wants to rip his clothes off and you do the same.

OP, don’t over think it. You don’t fancy him, and that’s not going to change. I can see why that’s frustrating, given that you like most other things about him including the sex part.

People say chemistry is overrated but I strongly disagree. Chemistry alone is not enough, granted, but without it you just have a good mate you have property and kids with.

The sex side might be good now, because this man might be technically skilled and willing to put in the energy to understand your body. But without chemistry, you eill lose desire for him once the sex is less novel.

@advicepleaseladies The fact that you need to write this post is evidence enough that you shouldn’t be with this man—let alone planning a future with him. There will be other women out there who find him attractive. It’s unfair to him for you to string him along just because you have limited time to conceive and you want a child. As pp have said, you are using him. It’s not nice.
Don’t use your age as an excuse to settle for someone you aren’t that bothered about. You’ll cause pain to him, yourself and to any future kids you may have when this relationship doesn’t last.

Op it might be that previously you have had shit taste in men and your brain is not used to what a kind attentive man is like.

You might have been drawn to uncommitted men and now are realising that's not really what a good relationship is.

I'm not sure how you can not fancy him and enjoy sex tbh.

I think the key here OP is the early peri. You are likely to experience a declining sex drive (if not already) so that should become less of an issue over time.

But it will become more of an issue if his sex drive doesn’t decline too.

I think the OP is being driven by the desire to have a baby and someone to share the early years burden, rather than wanting a really good relationship. It doesn’t seem fair on him.

Menopause doesn't guarantee a drop in sex drive for women - some women experience an increased sex drive.

It'd be bloody daft to go into a relationship thinking oh well I won't want sex in a few years so it'll be fine to be with someone i don't fancy. 🙄

If you want children, I'd say go for it. Bring a mum is amazing, I wouldn't miss out because although I had a chance with a nice person I like and have great sex with, I decided at 39 to wait for someone better.

This. If you are not desperately in love now, you really won't be with a newborn to cater for. Even the most amazing man can seem very irritating at 3 am when nobody is sleeping but you sound like you're not charmed to start with. Let him find someone who adores him.

If he was more assertive you wouldn’t be with him. When you told him to stop vaping if he was more assertive he could have said no I don’t want to I enjoy it. Then what? You would leave. Two assertive people don’t work. It just leads to fireworks.
Also you don’t want him, you’re using him for a child and hoping friendship with a decent enough man will be enough. If he’s so nice someone else will love him and find him attractive so let him find that. You deserve to be with someone you truly want.

Do not continue this relationship. You will have the ick further down the line and from that there is little return. You both deserve more.

What stood out was the lack of anything in common. It sounds as if you are trying too hard to like him. That's not fair on anyone, especially any future children.

IMO, you need to marry and have children with your best friend. It’s really that simple. Anything less than that will surely lead to problems down the line.

I think you will always question whether it’s enough. It’s not just looks it’s personality that isn’t aligning. I have been in relationships where the attraction was minimal but there is no comparison to where there is attraction/connection in my opinion.

Agree.
I am with someone who is the last person you would think would be compatible re the usual matching criteria etc / education/income/interests etc and he appeats to the outside to be a normal, quiet, not veryinteresting man, nerdy interests etc, But after second date, the chemistry was just off the scale.
He is so kind and lovely, but it’s the s&x that clinches it. We actually (it turns out) have lots of interests in common. But if it weren’t for the passion, it would have just been a none friendship.

This sounds very similar to my relationship in the early days. I didn’t feel a spark as such, we went on lots of dates, we had a nice kiss and I wasn’t sure the attraction was there. I told him we had to either make some moves to see what happened or move on, as it was getting a bit friend zone-y. 3 years in and I cannot get enough of him!

There is a striking similarity in the way you describe him, to the point I checked the username and date to make sure it wasn’t me that posted this in the early days! I’m so glad I gave this relationship a chance, my DP is a fundamentally good man, so kind and loving, yes he’s had some issues in the past which I know others would see as dealbreakers, but he’s shown his strength of character in so many ways, I know I would struggle to meet another man like him.

My advice to my friends in this situation is to suspend your expectations and visions of your ‘usual type’ and take this as it comes, try something different as it hasn’t worked brilliantly relying on ‘chemistry’ and sex appeal in the past, but I know we don’t have to worry about the baby part as we’re all older than you. Given you have a back up plan for children, I’d definitely give it a little longer, as an exclusive couple so that you give it your all, and see where it goes in the next few months.

Leave him and let him find someone who appreciates him.

My husband really pisses me off at times but, we’ve always had great chemistry and sex has been amazing since day 1.

problem is, when there’s no physical attraction the other annoying bits that inevitably come with time become harder to tolerate!