Hi, I’m looking for perspectives from people who have been through something similar where there is no violence but a cold relationship dynamic? Or have parents who were like this?
I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and we have two young children. On the surface he is a good dad — he plays with them, they have a bond. Although he doesn’t really help with basic tasks, like getting them ready in morning or night and when I use to ask for help, he says why or says in 5 mins or says I’m nagging him. So I stopped asking unless I feel I really will be late or do need help, but even then maybe he’ll help possibly a third of the time.
My main question is dynamic as there is no affection, emotional support or warmth between us. We only talk (rarley) about logistics with children / house maintenance. Otherwise try avoid each other. I stopped sleeping with him over a year ago and now sleep separate rooms.
I often feel criticised, undermined or made to feel small through comments and questioning — for example only once a month comments about what I eat (even though I have healthy BMI and eat relatively ok, he will sometimes comment on portion size even if it’s veg or salad or if I eat a treat he will comment as if to shame me but jokingly. Questions about what I’ve done all day and I’ll say but he will keep asking what else, what else. Or sometimes if we are around others subtle digs to undermine me, embarrass me or wind me up. Again only it is often subtle enough that I may be overreacting, but the overall effect has been that I have become less confident.
There have also been a few occasions where physical boundaries have felt uncomfortable (for example shoving past me with his shoulder if I’m in his way only a few times, a couple of times pushing the door into me if I’m stood behind door, or other things that felt intimidating but could be explained away as “not intentional”). These things are not constant though.
During labour even though midwife said I was dilated enough to go hospital he kept saying he would take me but turned his laptop on and did work even though it was a Saturday and he has never worked on a Saturday all the years I’ve known him and took him 2.5 hours to agree to take me. Second labour I asked him to wheel gas and air into toilet and he said I will be fine without it and I kept asking but he kept refusing until HCA shouted at him and she wheeled gas and air into toilet for me, 3 other midwives had a go at him for general unsupportive during labour. When I told him I felt low during pregnancy, and I wonder if related to hormones as also felt more nauseous, he responded with “why don’t you just kill yourself”.
My main question is about the children.
They see two parents living together with zero affection, warmth or much interaction between us. We are more like housemates living separately lives. He spends about 14 hours a week on his hobbies, but still feel tense when he’s there and resentment about house work still there. I am trying figure out if there is no shouting or obvious conflict, does it really impact children? I’m hoping in time if I change my mindset I can tolerate it and Stay if I ignore him as much as possible. I don’t want to not see my children for 50% of their lives if we separate, but I also need to stop ruminating and obsessing about relationship.
-Anyone grow up in this type environment and it’s impact?
-Anyone grow up living in two separate homes and it’s impact please?
or any other perspectives please.
Thank you so much if any replies, sorry it’s long!