Impact on children of staying in a cold, distant relationship

[Seawaves30]

Hi, I’m looking for perspectives from people who have been through something similar where there is no violence but a cold relationship dynamic? Or have parents who were like this?
I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and we have two young children. On the surface he is a good dad — he plays with them, they have a bond. Although he doesn’t really help with basic tasks, like getting them ready in morning or night and when I use to ask for help, he says why or says in 5 mins or says I’m nagging him. So I stopped asking unless I feel I really will be late or do need help, but even then maybe he’ll help possibly a third of the time.
My main question is dynamic as there is no affection, emotional support or warmth between us. We only talk (rarley) about logistics with children / house maintenance. Otherwise try avoid each other. I stopped sleeping with him over a year ago and now sleep separate rooms.
I often feel criticised, undermined or made to feel small through comments and questioning — for example only once a month comments about what I eat (even though I have healthy BMI and eat relatively ok, he will sometimes comment on portion size even if it’s veg or salad or if I eat a treat he will comment as if to shame me but jokingly. Questions about what I’ve done all day and I’ll say but he will keep asking what else, what else. Or sometimes if we are around others subtle digs to undermine me, embarrass me or wind me up. Again only it is often subtle enough that I may be overreacting, but the overall effect has been that I have become less confident.
There have also been a few occasions where physical boundaries have felt uncomfortable (for example shoving past me with his shoulder if I’m in his way only a few times, a couple of times pushing the door into me if I’m stood behind door, or other things that felt intimidating but could be explained away as “not intentional”). These things are not constant though.
During labour even though midwife said I was dilated enough to go hospital he kept saying he would take me but turned his laptop on and did work even though it was a Saturday and he has never worked on a Saturday all the years I’ve known him and took him 2.5 hours to agree to take me. Second labour I asked him to wheel gas and air into toilet and he said I will be fine without it and I kept asking but he kept refusing until HCA shouted at him and she wheeled gas and air into toilet for me, 3 other midwives had a go at him for general unsupportive during labour. When I told him I felt low during pregnancy, and I wonder if related to hormones as also felt more nauseous, he responded with “why don’t you just kill yourself”.
My main question is about the children.
They see two parents living together with zero affection, warmth or much interaction between us. We are more like housemates living separately lives. He spends about 14 hours a week on his hobbies, but still feel tense when he’s there and resentment about house work still there. I am trying figure out if there is no shouting or obvious conflict, does it really impact children? I’m hoping in time if I change my mindset I can tolerate it and Stay if I ignore him as much as possible. I don’t want to not see my children for 50% of their lives if we separate, but I also need to stop ruminating and obsessing about relationship.
-Anyone grow up in this type environment and it’s impact?
-Anyone grow up living in two separate homes and it’s impact please?
or any other perspectives please.
Thank you so much if any replies, sorry it’s long!

He sounds horrible, and I'm surprised you had multiple children with him. He's not like a housemate even, I wouldn't tolerate a housemate who was so cruel to me. He's a bully in your house. I would think your children will certainly notice it. They will (hopefully) have other adults in their lives who have happy and fun relationships. They will see it on TV.

How would you feel if in 25 years time your son/daughter is in a relationship with someone who treats them like he treats you? Because you're teaching them that it's normal, I'm afraid.

I'm really sorry to hear the situation you're in. It sounds shite.

I'm utterly appalled by how he treated you during both your labours.

So sorry you had to go through that.

Please start getting your ducks in a row, because he's being an awful role model for your children.

Would he be likely to want them 50% of the time if he barely helps with them now? If not I would discount that from your reasons to stay.
I do think that in certain situations, parents not being 100% loved up isn't the worst environment for children to grow up in if the parents are respectful to one another and supportive and amicable. This doesnt sound like that. Your husband is clearly disrespectful of you and puts you down. Would you want to grow up seeing your mum being treated that way?

Are your children hearing the comments about what you eat? That can't be good for them in terms of body image. Also I'd be concerned about them growing up to think this sort of relationship is normal and something you should put up with, particularly given how disrespectful and unpleasant he is to you.

A friend of mine has a similar marriage. I’ve tried to persuade her that it’s not a healthy environment for her son but she won’t leave him. So after years of hearing about their issues, I’ve kept my distance as if she’s not going to do anything about her situation, then there’s not much I can say.

But her husband is cold and distant. He grew up in a similar household, so I suspect that’s why he’s turned out the same way. So there is a risk that your children grow up to see cold relationships as the norm and they only need to show love and affection when they want something.

I was brought up with cool and undemonstrative parents. The only time I got praise was when I did well at school.

I married a man who was basically a 'cold fish'. Your DH sounds a bit like him. He was also disrespectful and controlling.

I can identify with the 'pushing into doors' scenario. I can remember if ever we went into town he walked ahead of me walked through doors without holding them open, so they swung back at me.

This won't get better OP, I'm sorry to say. As others have said you need to quietly get your "ducks in a row" and make plans to leave.

Omg I’m so sorry he’s treated you like this it’s awful. It’s shocking I genuinely don’t understand why you have been with him so long. Please leave him. It will impact the kids negatively and there likely to accept this standard of treatment in a relationship for themselves in the future. I know you wouldn’t want this for your children as you wouldn’t be posting this. Please look into leaving him.

50/50 is exactly what men like this do to avoid child maintenance payments.

This all sounds awful you need to get away from this man

There are far worse environments for children to grow up in the real question is how much longer can you handle this?

He's an emotionally abusive arsehole. And yes, your children will be affected by this. Imagine growing up watching your mom get treated like shit and being ignored by your own dad. They and you deserve better. And the thing with the shoulder barging and letting doors hit you is the start of physical abuse. He will get worse so you need to get away from him asap. Don't let your kids grow up in a house watching their mom get abused, emotionally or physically

I'm really sorry. Your DCs deserve a happy, contented mum - and you can't be that with him. What you've described isn't right & it won't get better. I'd argue he's not a good dad - failed at first hurdle getting you safely to hospital - so don't put up with this situation thinking he is.

I am trying figure out if there is no shouting or obvious conflict, does it really impact children?

Yes, because it's teaching them a model of relationships and homelife.

One where the mum does everything for the dc and the dad suits himself all the time and kicks off if challenged. One where the man is mean and denigrating towards the woman and she tolerates it. One where he's bullying and physical with her and she accepts it.

Is this the kind of relationship you'd want for them in the future? The kind of normal you want to give them?

I'd also be concerned that the physical and emotional abuse will escalate as he continues to get away with it and his contempt for you is unchecked.

From someone who decided to keep trying to fix things and stayed: please leave him! And do it soon

They'll either end up cold and distant or they'll grow up thinking cold and distant is normal. Either way, your both teaching them that your relationship is what love looks like.

If you leave now, this time next year your life would be completely different and you'd feel so much better about yourself

I would say yes, the children are impacted by this. Your parents are your first example of a healthy (or not!) relationship and seeing how you interact and communicate and resolve conflict is how they are learning about relationships. Children learn far more from what they see rather than what you say to them. They will feel the undercurrents of tension and discomfort in their home, especially as they get older.

One of my best friends left her marriage after years of living with her exhusband's cold indifference, no affection, treated her with disdain, undermined her in front of others etc. She has a new partner now who is lovely and kind and affectionate - her daughters have said we understand now why you left dad, because he was never affectionate and loving with you, mum. They noticed.

It doesn't sound like your partner likes you very much. Please don't stay in a relationship where you are treated this way - you deserve much better and so do your children.

That's not just cold and distant, though, is it? It's emotionally abusive, abd the barging you with his shoulder and bashing doors into you is physically abusive.

He treats you with contempt. Cold and distant would be just be 2 people with not much emotional connection, like 2 work colleagues who have little in common. That's not what's going on here.

People often end up in relationship dynamics that feel familiar. Tolerate unreasonable behaviour from a partner because of what their parents' relationship modelled. Current family stability for your DC isn't the only consideration when deciding whether or not to stay. The wellbeing of your future adult children needs to be taken into account, too.

He is emotionally and physically abusive and your children will pick up on this. If you tolerate it, they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal, and it will skew their idea of what a relationship should be like.

Also, you deserve some happiness. Happy mum = happy kids.

Leave him.

Women in poor relationships write the good dad comment when they can think of nothing else positive to about their man.

Given how little he bothers with his kids I doubt very much he would have them half the week. Men like he too go on about demanding 50:50 as a means of avoiding paying child maintenance. So I’d put this whole 50/50 thing out of your head/ reasons to stay. There is no good reason to stay.

It will emotionally harm your children in both the short and long term for you to stay in such a miserable relationship. The damages being done right in front of your very eyes. They are learning about relationships from you both and this model of a relationship is no legacy to leave them. They could well grow up emulating this behaviour themselves. Staying with him stops you from meeting someone. else.

Leave. My partner was abusive for years. Digs about my weight, my greying hair and he controlled all finances as, at that point, I was not working. I regret not leaving him earlier. I let things go on roughly 8 years longer than I should.

I’m in a happy place now but I do wish I’d left earlier. The kids would have been ok.

Minus the physical bits, my mum was like this to my dad. Once I reached 9 or 10 she was like this to me too. How old are your dc?

On the other side of the coin, though my XH never put me down, after we had dc he spent all his time on the computer or clubbing. We had no relationship and I did everything for the dc. I felt lonely and unseen. Post divorce he saw dc 2 nights a week and stepped up with them. Their relationship improved. Unlike me, DD is supremely confident, though very picky in relationships. She says she’s too selfish to be with someone who doesn’t treat her how she deserves- we both agree this is an amazing attitude to have. DS is also confident, resilient, unflappable and happy (always!) Both are young adults now.

Baffles me how people breed with these weird nasty soulless men. Why tie yourself and them to him in the first place?

Christ this answer writes itself! What an absolute turd

My marriage wasn't as bad as that, but I still left. It was better for us all that ExH and I stopped living together. He wouldn't have instigated it so I had to do all the legwork, but it was worth it. Never regretted it. Children were 9 and 11 so old enough to remember the time we lived together as well as afterwards.

I’ve only just realised (in my late fifties) how my parents’ behaviour affected my adult relationships. Father: regretted his marriage and actively undermined, humiliated, taunted my mother, even getting us in on the game though we were too small to understand it. Simultaneously a fun, engaged, hands on parent. Mother: fun, engaged, active parent, but terrified of being abandoned and desperately trying everything she could think of to keep hold of him. I’m not sure that either of them knew what they were doing.
I didn’t understand as an adult how a kind and respectful relationship was supposed to function. I thought sarcasm was a normal means of communicating. I was terrified of having any kind of relationship whatsoever- totally weirdly obsessed with choosing someone I wouldn’t look down on but who wouldn’t leave and humiliate me… I wish they had split up when we were tiny and gone into normal, functional relationships with normal functional people.
Children learn from what they see, it’s inevitable. If you’re undermined and walking on eggshells, they will perceive that that is a normal and acceptable thing, and even if they challenge it as they get older, their own behaviours will be informed by what they witnessed in childhood.
in your position I would leave your relationship.