Impact on children of staying in a cold, distant relationship

[Seawaves30]

Hi, I’m looking for perspectives from people who have been through something similar where there is no violence but a cold relationship dynamic? Or have parents who were like this?
I’ve been with my partner for 11 years and we have two young children. On the surface he is a good dad — he plays with them, they have a bond. Although he doesn’t really help with basic tasks, like getting them ready in morning or night and when I use to ask for help, he says why or says in 5 mins or says I’m nagging him. So I stopped asking unless I feel I really will be late or do need help, but even then maybe he’ll help possibly a third of the time.
My main question is dynamic as there is no affection, emotional support or warmth between us. We only talk (rarley) about logistics with children / house maintenance. Otherwise try avoid each other. I stopped sleeping with him over a year ago and now sleep separate rooms.
I often feel criticised, undermined or made to feel small through comments and questioning — for example only once a month comments about what I eat (even though I have healthy BMI and eat relatively ok, he will sometimes comment on portion size even if it’s veg or salad or if I eat a treat he will comment as if to shame me but jokingly. Questions about what I’ve done all day and I’ll say but he will keep asking what else, what else. Or sometimes if we are around others subtle digs to undermine me, embarrass me or wind me up. Again only it is often subtle enough that I may be overreacting, but the overall effect has been that I have become less confident.
There have also been a few occasions where physical boundaries have felt uncomfortable (for example shoving past me with his shoulder if I’m in his way only a few times, a couple of times pushing the door into me if I’m stood behind door, or other things that felt intimidating but could be explained away as “not intentional”). These things are not constant though.
During labour even though midwife said I was dilated enough to go hospital he kept saying he would take me but turned his laptop on and did work even though it was a Saturday and he has never worked on a Saturday all the years I’ve known him and took him 2.5 hours to agree to take me. Second labour I asked him to wheel gas and air into toilet and he said I will be fine without it and I kept asking but he kept refusing until HCA shouted at him and she wheeled gas and air into toilet for me, 3 other midwives had a go at him for general unsupportive during labour. When I told him I felt low during pregnancy, and I wonder if related to hormones as also felt more nauseous, he responded with “why don’t you just kill yourself”.
My main question is about the children.
They see two parents living together with zero affection, warmth or much interaction between us. We are more like housemates living separately lives. He spends about 14 hours a week on his hobbies, but still feel tense when he’s there and resentment about house work still there. I am trying figure out if there is no shouting or obvious conflict, does it really impact children? I’m hoping in time if I change my mindset I can tolerate it and Stay if I ignore him as much as possible. I don’t want to not see my children for 50% of their lives if we separate, but I also need to stop ruminating and obsessing about relationship.
-Anyone grow up in this type environment and it’s impact?
-Anyone grow up living in two separate homes and it’s impact please?
or any other perspectives please.
Thank you so much if any replies, sorry it’s long!

My marriage was similar, but what really gave me the push was thinking about when the children left home and it was just me and him in the house, the pure and utter dread I felt! I know its scary, but best to make the move now while you still have many potential years of happiness ahead of you.

I would have a serious talk with DH and go into therapy if he wants to save the relationship- otherwise I think you would be better off (possibly not financially though) divorced, if there uis no warmth or support- what is the point of staying together?

Thank you so much for your replies, it’s helped me try to put things in perspective. I keep going back and forth in my head, as it’s subtle and my daughters probably do not witness any of the comments or subtle infrequent physical intimidation things he does which could be classed as accidental, but I know deep down it’s likely not. I know if another adult lived in the house they would know something is up, so I guess it’s a matter of time until the girls are old enough to know. But trying figure out if they would prefer this to having go back and forth to different homes. It’s partly my fault as I feel I don’t want to lose control over them if we separate and I’m a worrier and will worry incase they get into accidents when with him (he’s not careless or anything but has a different approach to me, and I just worry excessively or if they have a bad day and I can’t be there for them and can’t be with them through all the holidays etc if they are with him), but I think I need to try accept some of these things and look at bigger picture as I feel dissociated all the time and stressed ruminating about it all which isn’t good for the girls either. I appreciate all the comments and think it’s made me realise maybe I need explore reasons why I don’t want separate in terms of my daughters and work through them in my head.

I’m sorry to hear your mum was like this to yourself.They are 5 and 3, your daughter’s outlook on relationships is inspirational. I hope my daughters have same outlook, although I’m not doing much to facilitate this at the moment, but this helps my motivation towards trying to aim to leave. Thank you for your comment.

Even if your children are too young to be consciously aware, it is teaching them what love looks like and they are likely to choose romantic partners who treat them similarly badly. It is really damaging for children to experience this kind of thing.

Good men don't behave like your partner.

My parents are still married, 40+ years. Should have split up after about 10 years of marriage. I was one of those children who actually wanted my parents to divorce!

Your children will absolutely notice the problems and pick up on all sorts, consciously or subconsciously.

Sounds harsh to say, but as an adult I think my parents were cowardly and lazy. What a long time to be miserable. What a sad waste. They still try and use me as a pawn sometimes but I take no notice and am now low contact. Don’t risk that with your children.

His behaviour towards you is not just cold, it's cruel and emotionally abusive. That is not a good example to set your children who are bound to be affected by it. It's unlikely he will bother to have the children 50% if he currently does very little around the house but, even if he does, please seriously think about leaving this horrible man. It will be better for you and the childre in the long run.

Please do not make the mistake of thinking you have to stay for the sake of the children. He sounds worryingly abusive to me. A lot of it is about control isnt it? He is saying via his actions, we will go to hospital when it suits me; I dont want you to have gas during labour. Let me through the door, i am more important than you, get out of my way..........I wonder if youve looked up the effects of non violent emotional abuse on children. I can speak to this as, very sadly, i have a friend still living with her non violent emotionally abusive husband. It started during her pregnancy. I can say that their child is definitely affected by it. Mum is blind to it and has got smaller and smaller in her views so as not to rock the boat and keep him happy. She cannot see that the stress she is living with because of him is actually, i believe, contributing to her health conditions. Worst of all, i can see that the child is copying the father.

It might be helpful for you to speak to Refuge or womens aid to get it clear this is actually part of domestic violence. Please cover your tracks and stay safe as he sounds nasty.

Thanks so much for the insight. All your comments have really helped so much. Also yes @Yourcousinrachel i think that’s put it into words really well how his actions are almost what he wants to say but it is through the actions instead. Thanks again, it’s been helpful for all the perspectives, I need stop ruminating and stressing and start thinking how I go about plans for the future now. Thank you.

OP you are being abused by this man. You need to seek help to leave. Please get away from him ASAP and do not continue to subject your kids to any of this. A local domestic abuse charity can assist you. Please also read Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft.

My kids started making divorce jokes, obviously hoping we’d say ‘but we love each other, we’d never divorce’ The two younger ones retreated into themselves, it was horrible. We’re actually in a better place now but we’ve both said at that time they’d have been better off had we split even though financially things would have been to the bone

No. You cannot change an abusive man and you should never go into therapy with one.

TBH being from a broken home ( 13 when separated) never bothered me until my parents got old and needed care. It’s now double the work because it’s two houses, two sets of need and I have my own family.

Don’t role model a bad relationship, tell kids the marriage is over but ye are living together as friends.

The best thing you can do is document everything with a domestic abuse charity and I mean everything even if you consider it to be subtle because it will show a pattern of abuse. Please seek some help OP.

Friends don’t treat each other the way he treats her.

The only acceptable advice in this situation is to leave when you are being abused.

I’m hoping in time if I change my mindset I can tolerate it and Stay if I ignore him as much as possible.

This is no way to live your life. Would you give this advice to your children when they're grown up, in your situation? To stay and tolerate a poor relationship?

Thank you I really appreciate your views it has given me a lot to think about.

I am appalled that you are still with this man. He needs to go. You are normalising this behaviour and treatment to your children…

This. And not only this. He sounds manipulative and spiteful. Very controlled and that's worrying. Like he could lash out at any moment.

I would get my ducks in a row very quietly, and get myself and the dcs out of there as soon as possible. Can you move back to your parents? Or move close to a good support network?

Spend no more time thinking about this man and instead focus on your amazing future - which down the line could include a partner who likes and loves you X

Your DC are exactly the same age my two were.

This man is a good example of suppressed hatred.

Just look at the list of things he's done - the one about you needing to go to hospital and he opening his work notebook for the first time ever, and then refusing to get you gas and air when you were having a baby fgs.... dear God.

Get out, @Seawaves30 .

Seriously, this man hates you. Whether he hates everyone or its personal to you makes no difference (I'd suspect that he would act this way towards any partner somehow, but it's only a guess). He's subtle, vicious and you need to get out of this poisoned atmosphere.

You really need to take a long, perceptive and dispassionate look at the pattern of his behaviour.

And then, given how spiteful he is andhiow much he's willing to inflict pain on you, you need to think very carefully on how to stop him twisting the children and trying to use them to hurt you. Women's Refuge advice is a very good idea.

I'm sorry to be so strong in my language, but I've seen too much over the years and a man like this needs canny, clever handling to minimise his damage to your children and to you.

Thank you, I would need an extra job minimum wage 4-6 hours a week whilst kids in school to be able to afford leave. So I’ll look for that when my youngest starts full time school next year. Really appreciate comments I’ve been thinking how can I cope like this until my youngest finishes school in 15 years time, but hearing your thoughts helped put things in perspective. Yes it’s helpful hearing that as I have been thinking recently it’s like he really does hate me, and probably from quite early on in relationship but I’ve not realised it until last year or so.

Just for a moment put your concerns regarding your daughters growing up in a cold & distant parental relationship to one side…..what is it doing, and has already done to YOU living with this odious man?

Getting back to your girls, they are still young & have little to compare their home life to that of others, for them the situation between their father and you is their norm. Ideal? Of course this is not ideal, this has already affected you in so many ways, not to mention your self-esteem. Give your girls, probably not very much time (if they don’t already) and yes they will most definitely feel the tension and hear the unkind comments. And the atmosphere at home will most definitely affect them.

It’s been some time since I’ve read the degree of a partner’s cold, nasty, unkind, arrogant lazy behavior that you are now living with daily. You deserve better, you and your daughters deserve better, so much better. I hope you are able to find that ‘better’ at some stage in the near future. Good luck.