Has your relationship recovered from cheating?

[ByCoolGoldRobin]

Has anyone else recovered their relationship after a long term affair was had and went on to have children?

I’m 33 and need to either salvage this or move on as my fertility window is rapidly closing. We have been rebuilding over the last year and an half after finding out about it. He cut all contact, says it’s his biggest regret in his life and wants to move forward. While we get on and have a nice life together we are not moving forwards and taking the next steps for the future. It’s like both our heads in the sand as we’re not even talking about anything deep. I feel like I’m holding back for fear of the shame of what people think of me staying and rebuilding even though everyone around me is supportive, but I’m also a little bit less in love than I once was. I think I’m scared to stay and regret it but I’m also scared to leave and potentially miss out on an overall good partner and the chance of having a family.

It looks like soooo many men will cheat regardless so if they’re half decent which he is then you’ve got a good one..

Mine cheated after 29 years together. I wouldn't have him back for a gift. I'm so glad I know he did it (he told me) because now I can see what he really is and that isn't something I want for myself nor will I model that to my daughter. I don't care if he's contrite, if he'd never do it again, once is enough. It never goes away, you can't undo it and he chose to do that and blow up our lives completely so ... off you go mate. Let someone else have that shit.

Relationships counsellor here. @ByCoolGoldRobin if he cheats before kids that’s never a good sign, children are usually the biggest stressors on relationships. Yes you can salvage a relationship after infidelity however, it can only been done when the root cause of why a person was unfaithful (it won’t be you, it’s all the cheaters issues) such as low self esteem etc. once that issue is dealt with then you can recover, if the core reason for cheating is glossed over with apologies and promises then no it won’t work- down the line when stress comes back into the relationship, they will likely cheat again.

No kids, no marriage? Walk.

You may find as time passes you lose all respect for him. You will see the flaws that allowed him to think it was acceptable to cheat for two years. Low self esteem, dislikes conflict, people pleasing, entitlement, selfishness. That may end up being combined with you just not loving him the same way.

You are not powerful enough to make someone cheat. He cheats because he has a but in his fidelity. I’m faithful but it’s okay if my partner doesn’t know. I’m faithful but it’s okay if I just can’t resist the other person. I’m faithful but I always do the gardening and pay the bills so I’m entitled to get nice feelings from this other person.

Cheats are cheap. School boys in short trousers lying and sneaking about behind the bike sheds with their mates girlfriend. It’s not cool, it’s not sexy or attractive. It’s just a bit grim and sad. I see a cheat on a tv show and look for their poor traits - cheating is abusive - it’s putting their spouse at risk of STDs and PTSD (cheating can cause pisd).

Does he accept he is abusive?

When he touches you do you think ‘you are a cheat?’

I believe some couples can end up with a great marriage. But most cannot. The traits needed to repair a relationship are not the traits a cheat possesses (selflessness, compassion, honesty, okay with confrontation etc).

The best outcome you will have is post traumatic growth that leads to be being a great partner - to another person.

For me it would be the trust aspect, because without full trust what do you have?
Can you trust him after such a betrayal? And this is a 2 year betrayal.

He’s given your emotions (sorry to be crude) a right kicking, the sadness related to his selfish disloyal actions will take a huge effort to come to terms with, to decide either stay with him, to resume a relationship with him, or call it a day.

I do wish you well.

Op 🫂 it wont work xx just been through all this and more. 2 years is a long time . Respect yourself and move on. Theres time to have kids, with someone who loves and values you. X

I’ve stayed with my husband but we have kids, minus the kids I’d be out the door.
Run and don’t look back, meet someone better to have kids with.

I know 6 couples whose spouses had an affair/affairs .
5 female, 1 male.
4 of them (including the male) had 2 children
2 had 4 children.
Those women who had 4 children were married to serial cheats. Their spouses had repeated affairs, said they'd never do it again and then had 4 reconciliations each and produced another child each time. Both husbands finally left when the youngest was a new baby.
Only 1 couple did reconcile (after she threatened him with divorce) and are still together. She tells me that she's never forgiven him and if she had a chance to cheat she would take it. He's a very well-off businessman, maybe that helps ?
All the others eventually married their affair partner.
Years later the cheating husband of one died, as did (sadly) one of the wives.
Are they happy? Who knows 🤔

I agree that a lot of cheating is attention seeking. Men do it more post kids because children take their mother’s attention. Consider whether you want to be a single parent in a relationship.

Fgs no no no.

You're only 33, you have time for finding someone new and going on to have kids.

Dump this guy.

Don't accept this as your starting place for building a family.

Personally I’d be asking myself that if I was 25 would I stay? Because your ‘fertility window’ may be the thing that’s blocking your decision here.

if you were 25 would you leave?

Get out, today. If it’s been a year and a half and you’re still unsure and haven’t addressed it, you’re unlikely to move past it. Allow yourself a few months to grieve this relationship and then start looking for someone else in 9-12 months. You’ve still got plenty of time to find someone lovely and have a baby, right now you’re wasting time.

Two years . He formed a relationship with someone else not an affair .
You spend two Christmases , two birthdays , two his birthdays , and shared days out & holidays with him whilst he was also with someone else .

Get over that , forgive and move on , have a family with him ?

The biggest NO from me since the years I've been on here .

2 years?

Not salvageable IMO.

You want DC so don’t have more time to waste with this one. Odds are high the stressors of DC (for 18 years plus) would increase the already high likelihood of him doing it again.

My exH’s affair destroyed our eldest. She’s still not over it 13 years later and her mental health is in tatters. Cheating fathers are not good fathers. They don’t tend to change either. You’d always be wondering if he’s doing it again. He lied to you for 2 years and that takes some doing. Raise your bar.

Get out now. A 2 year affair is not a drunken one night stand, it takes calculation, planning and deceit. How many times did he look you in the eye and lie blatantly over them 2 years? You can never trust him again and like others say, children add a huge stress to the best of relationships. If hes done it before he will do it after.
My ex husband of 25 years did it a few times and stupidly I stayed until the last affair which was the straw that broke the camels back and I finally called it a day. My biggest regret is not leaving after the first time. It has left me and the children (now adults) with issues and I have anxiety and attachment problems.
Don't put yourself or your future children through it. 33 is still plenty young enough to start again and even if you chose to have children alone, it would be far easier than with this man.
Can I ask if you discovered the affair or if he voluntarily ended it? This can make a difference. When you discover it, they are not remorseful, only sorry they have been found out.

Wow thanks for everyone’s comments..appreciate people sharing their stories, making me laugh and also giving me a slap in the face to wake up.

It’s very hard in reality when you’ve been with someone so long and have a life together to pull yourself up and get out of it. And I now am feeling guilty towards him to broach the ‘it’s not working’ conversation.

I think if we’d reconciled and started moving forwards to those achievements maybe I’d have been ok but we’ve not been moving forwards it feels like I’m living the same year on repeat so maybe it is a case of flogging a dead horse and I need to face reality.

I don’t have a huge circle so I guess it’s also scary to be alone.. I quite like my own company at least.

Don't feel guilty, feel angry. This man chose to inflict the trauma of adultery on you for years, he risked your health, robbed you of time that could have been spent finding a good man to have a kid with.

Not sure if he's a husband or just a boyfriend but give him equal regard as he gave you while indulging himself in his affair. No long chats or discussions needed.

I think I would start afresh, what if he cheats again, especially with kids in tow? You might be more likely to stay indefinitely.

Your choice but I personally couldn't stay after being cheated on.

You shouldn’t feel guilty at all. He made a choice and choices have consequences. The difference is you are able and willing to face that difficult conversation rather than mooching behind the bikesheds with your best mates boyfriend who ‘makes you feel alive’.

You don’t share the same values. You tried him out and hes an dud. Imagine telling your future son or daughter off for lying to you or someone else or cheating in a game.

He will have to tell the tale of why you separated to the next lady. It will limit his choices as assuming my circle of friends is pretty typical none of them would date a man who cheated. Poor quality partner charateristics. Not worth getting emotionally involved with a chap who has cheated.

It someone is unhappy in a relationship cheating should be the last thing they do - it’s only going to limit their own dating pool going forward. I’d rather escape through a loo window than have pudding once a bloke has told me he cheated on his ex. If he doesn’t fess up he’s a liar. Two bad options imo.

So make sure he knows you are dumping him as he’s a cheat. Then when the be t lady says ‘oh why did you split with your ex’ he is faced with a really tough decision.

All the best op.