Has your relationship recovered from cheating?

[ByCoolGoldRobin]

Has anyone else recovered their relationship after a long term affair was had and went on to have children?

I’m 33 and need to either salvage this or move on as my fertility window is rapidly closing. We have been rebuilding over the last year and an half after finding out about it. He cut all contact, says it’s his biggest regret in his life and wants to move forward. While we get on and have a nice life together we are not moving forwards and taking the next steps for the future. It’s like both our heads in the sand as we’re not even talking about anything deep. I feel like I’m holding back for fear of the shame of what people think of me staying and rebuilding even though everyone around me is supportive, but I’m also a little bit less in love than I once was. I think I’m scared to stay and regret it but I’m also scared to leave and potentially miss out on an overall good partner and the chance of having a family.

It looks like soooo many men will cheat regardless so if they’re half decent which he is then you’ve got a good one..

From someone who was cheated on (by 2 partners) I can say that mending a relationship after cheating doesn't work.

Both times I've wanted it to. I've stayed afterwards (1st time 2 years, 2nd time 8 years) but both times, the damage was done and gradually, gradually, my love for my partner died away. Against my will. I wanted things to work and at first, it looked as it would be OK. They were contrite and it didn't happen again. But it changed me.

If I had my time again (NEVER having another relationship again!) I would leave immediately. I wasted years hoping we could overcome it, when really I couldn't get over it.

Mine has but with some extremely key differences. It was not a long affair, I am a lot older than you, we’d been together a lot longer and I was not looking to have children. It’s also been the hardest, most brutal thing I’ve ever gone through. I’m happy now, but it is not for everyone…..

this is painfully cynical based on too much MN ... (but equally a painful legal summary/flow chart)
Do you care if he cheats? Some women don't mind as long as their relationship and lifestyle continues - they take a 'don't ask, don't tell' stance. And from there, some of them find their own fun ...
So, you can choose.
most important question: Are you actually married to this man and is he solvent/earning/likely to keep earning well? If so, the law will make him pay to help support your child if things happen go wrong. OR are you sufficiently wealthy/connected to keep yourself in dosh?
If you are not married to this man, stop here and re-evaluate b/c having a baby is an expensive business, mostly financed by the mother in all kinds of ways: loss of billing hours, loss of actual funds, potential loss of health - many active women are sadly incapacitated by this major trauma.

Do you really want to have a baby? (you might have 5 - 10 yrs to find another mate)
Do you think this man will stand by you financially and (somewhat) emotionally?

Lots of women build a relationship with their baby-daddy on less...

I think it depends what state your marriage is/was before you found out about the affair.

How long term was it? Why do you think he did it? Did he confess or did you find out? Was he honest about everything straight away or did he only admit to the bare minimum?

All these answers point to whether trust can be rebuilt.

If you want children and are happy to be a single mum and then you can try to get over it on the understanding that the relationship may not last.

Knowing your partner is capable of such betrayal and lies it’s unlikely you will ever feel the same about them.

If they have deep seated issues that led them to cheat and have done a lot of work to identify these and build a completely new and honest relationship with you then it’s possible to trust again but it doesn’t sound like that’s what has happened.

My friend’s husband cheated. They got over it and have made their marriage work. In fact, I think their relationship might actually be stronger because of it. It was a fling though; one he immediately regretted. A long term affair would be much harder to recover from.

Do you actually care - that’s such a good point! Maybe I don’t? Maybe my main issue is being able to speak my truth to him and to others to actually share how I feel and what I want in the future ie kids.

He would be a good dad but we just need to show more affection toward each other and fully recommit to this if that’s what we both want.

How do you have difficult conversations?

I think I do care but I’m a bit numb to it like it didn’t happen it feels surreal you wouldn’t ever put him as someone to cheat. It went on for 2 years and I literally had no idea.

Two years is a long time sweetheart, that's a lot of lying and cheating. He's not the man you thought he was, you need to understand you're worth far more than that x

"a long term affair" will be very hard. If it's just a one night stand, that's different matter. There will be more indepth connections and attachment between them, regardless of what he claims to be.

I don't know, only you can decide. Practically, how rich is he? Will you be able to get a fat enough settlement 10-15 years down the line he cheats again and wants a divorce then?

I think I could probably forgive a drunken mistake but a 2 year affair involves a lot of lying, sneaking around and deceit. I don't know how you get over that really. Have you had any couples counselling? I think you need a space where you can be brutally honest about how you feel and he needs to really address the devastation he has caused. I wouldn't move ahead with having children until you feel absolutely sure.

End it now. It won’t work

Move on while you have time

It looks like soooo many men will cheat regardless so if they’re half decent which he is then you’ve got a good one

Depressingly low expectations.

Even if this were factually true, I think it's unlikely that it's going to silence that voice inside you that tells you something's wrong. Something as a big as cheating is so big that it's often like a permanent drop of poison in a relationship. You can never again just watch a scene on TV where there is cheating in a natural way. It'll feel too relevant to you.

I really feel for you. I left my partner at your age after a different event made me totally reevaluate who I thought he was as a person. I'm now almost 40 and childless, unable to build a fully independent life for myself financially and think it's unlikely I'll have children. Do I regret not having kids with him? In my case, no. I was building the right future with the wrong person, and that feeling would never have gone away.

Years later, despite all my heartache and grief about that long relationship and my current fucked-up life and childlessness, I still haven't regretted leaving.

If you do have children with him, I would fully expect him to cheat again. I think it's likely he's with you because you make his life nice & comfortable, you're good to him, and he'd like you as the little wifey at home whilst he shags other women for fun. Consider what that will do to your self esteem, and your sexual health before you stay.

A two-year affair?

To me, physical infidelity is not the worst thing a person can do in a relationship. I’m also in my late 50s, my son is an adult, life is fun but complicated by age/health stuff; I dont think relationships now have to look any particular way. But two YEARS - that is a fuck of a long time, when you were in your early 30s and thinking about kids. When did this regret kick in for him? Week 1? Year 1? Did he just keep going with it because it was too difficult to have the conversation with her? Is there a theme there?

As for having the difficult conversations- imo you start them. When he rolls his eyes or shuts down, you keep going. When it’s tactless, and rude, and too much. You keep talking.

Though if I’m honest… is he really worth all that energy?

2 years??? That's a lot of disrespect OP :/

Yes, we have done it. However, it was an emotional affair- not physical- lasting about 4-5 months.

I always assumed I’d leave, turns out things aren’t as simple as you think before it happens to you.

Hardest thing I’ve ever done in a relationship and 3 years on it still occasionally has repercussions. However, we’ve been together for nearly 30 years, we’d built a family and life together and been a support to one another. I knew I was facing issues which would require support at the time and took the hard/headed decision to try to repair our marriage for practical reasons initially.

I’d say we had done ok. We are happy together, we’ve begun to develop a marriage beyond children, helping each other through the trials of older parents, facing saving for retirement etc. Is it perfect? No. Is it a caring and loving partnership? Yes, very much so.

But he’s not an overall good partner though, is he op? Good partners don’t lie and cheat on you. Look introspectively as to why YOU think that’s a good overall partner (you ARE worthy of a healthy, loving relationship). A shit sandwich is still disgusting even if the other parts are nice, it taints the whole thing. As does cheating. Raise your standards. Would you want this for your daughter or friends? There are hundreds of good men out there, that adore their partners and wouldn’t dream of cheating (and single ones!). If he’s cheating now when you have no responsibilities and stress of young children, what’s he going to do when the chips are down, your postpartum and dealing with kids all the time? It’s a fault in HIM and nothing to do with you, you are always going to be wondering, it’s no way to live. Every minute with him is time wasted not finding the one for you. And when you do find someone who wholeheartedly feels like your other half, who you adore and vice versa, you will wonder why you spent so long with this loser. I know it’s hard but you will feel so much better in the long run. You have all of our support. You can do this!

He’s shown you who he really is, believe him… 2yrs is not a slip up, it’s calculate, it’s constant lies and deceit. You deserve better

Have you been able to talk about it or has it been brushed under the carpet, that’s a serious, long term betrayal.

You must still be in shock.

Do you want to spend your life with a man you will never trust?

How many outright lies did he tell you during those two years?

What do you want to model to your children?

I stayed because I have 3 small kids. If I was pre kids I would not stay. I would not recommend continuing a relationship with a cheater

I agree with @ClawsandEffect when a partner cheats it’s usually because they aren’t getting everything they need from you, whatever that might look like, they chose to look elsewhere for a reason so unfortunately you probably aren’t what they want so it’s likely they’ll do it again, happened to me a few times. Never again!

On top of that it will eat away at you for years and tear you apart inside so it’s not worth putting yourself through it.

Mine. My husband cheated after 27yrs together. I ended things and we went no contact for a year, our dc are older and were able to arrange contact themselves. Something major happened with one of our dc after a year and we had no choice but to spend a lot of time together. We reconciled, but we lived apart for another 2 years while he saw a psychiatrist/psychologist and did some major repair work on himself and our marriage. He had been a great DH up to that point and i knew he could be again, with help for his own trauma, and I didn’t want my family to fragment because of it. Currently no regrets but our relationship had to have an overhaul as I definitely do not want it to happen again. I don’t believe ‘once a cheat, always a cheat’ but it requires a lot of work on their behalf to address the causes.

"Biggest regret in life" but carried it on for 2 years. I wouldn't stay.

Fucking hell 2 years. Absolutely not. You are 33 you have plenty of time to meet someone new.

You sound really sad and resigned to a sad life. There’s really no need.