Has your relationship recovered from cheating?

[ByCoolGoldRobin]

Has anyone else recovered their relationship after a long term affair was had and went on to have children?

I’m 33 and need to either salvage this or move on as my fertility window is rapidly closing. We have been rebuilding over the last year and an half after finding out about it. He cut all contact, says it’s his biggest regret in his life and wants to move forward. While we get on and have a nice life together we are not moving forwards and taking the next steps for the future. It’s like both our heads in the sand as we’re not even talking about anything deep. I feel like I’m holding back for fear of the shame of what people think of me staying and rebuilding even though everyone around me is supportive, but I’m also a little bit less in love than I once was. I think I’m scared to stay and regret it but I’m also scared to leave and potentially miss out on an overall good partner and the chance of having a family.

It looks like soooo many men will cheat regardless so if they’re half decent which he is then you’ve got a good one..

Fuck it. Please find someone else. It's not going to work long term.

🗑️

When someone cheats on a partner it's nothing to do with the partner cheated on and everything to do with the cheat.

They aren't lacking anything other than an inability to deal with their life or their own inadequacies.
There are many devoted partners who are having sex with their partners who are blindsided by cheats.

They like to blame the partner they cheated on for their behaviour when it's all on them.

You can’t trust him. Therefore the relationship is over.

I would say it’s over once the trust is gone. It would be a mistake to bring a child into the world with someone who you cannot trust.
As PP have said, 2 years is a bloody long time. A lot of lying, planning and covering up. You said you had no idea. This shows what a good liar he is and what a good man he isn’t…
how did you find out? did you discover or did he confess? If he confessed, why?
The context of this is also important.

I think it's possible to build a new marriage after cheating, but it is likely to require outside help, requires both people to want to, and needs both of you to commit to learning more relational skills to improve the factors in the relationship that contributed to the affair in the first place. (I'm NOT saying that the affair was the victim's fault - absolutely not - but that affairs typically occur in relationships where there are difficulties of some type. If those difficulties aren't addressed, the problems are likely to recur again in future.)

Derek Hart is a relationships counsellor with experience of this and he has an Infidelity Course for couples to work through together in the aftermath of an affair. He has lots of free info on his FB page.

Jesus. Get rid. You have time. You’ll only end up dealing with the same shit but subjecting kids to the fall out. Don’t do it.

Absolutely not.

Life's too short to share it with a sly dickhead.

Of course it can work - people make mistakes, and it is perfectly possible to forgive, and choose to stay together.
But...... you have to stay in this relationship because you love him, not because you are desperate to have children. You talk about him as just a sperm donor, and that's obviously not ideal.
Imagine that a doctor told you that you couldn't have kids... would you still want to stay with him? If so, go for it. This has to be about the person, not about potential or invisible children.

Please please leave, two years of lying is not to be ignored. You’ll constantly be remembering things that happened and lies he’s told. You’re still young, FWIW I met my DH at 34 and had kids at 37 & 39. Plenty of time for babies but you’ll regret having babies with the wrong person

@ByCoolGoldRobin No, you'll never get over a two year affair. That's a lot of highly calculated lying right there. And how do you know he'll be a "good dad". Women seem to think that just because their bloke is pleasant and even tempered, they'll make wonderful fathers. Well I can tell you that a lot of them hate it and make crap parents. In your case I would tread with extreme caution.

@ByCoolGoldRobin You are so young and your relationship is already tainted by him cheating. Don't get stuck in sunk fallacy cost thinking- not all men cheat. Mine never has and we have been together for 25 years.

No this is a long term affair and lie putting you at risk of sexually transmitted diseases etc plus not putting in the time, love, affection and money into your relationship. So no.I had my second at 41.

if you want a baby do it alone by ivf and don’t get a partner and wait for the right one.

He will cheat again. Whereas if you have the baby on your own - you can slow it down and choose.

It went on for 2 years and I literally had no idea.

This is your real problem right here. OK, he cheated, and maybe you can get over that. But can you really ever trust him ever again.

He is such a good liar he managed to keep you absolutely oblivious for 2 years. How can you ever believe a word he says ever again? And not just about the cheating. From massive things like "If ever we split up I'd pay my fair share for my kid and do 50/50 childcare" to tiny miniscule things like "I'll do the washing up once my food goes down". Will he? Fuck knows, because you can't tell whether he's lying or not.

It's not the fucking someone else that ends the relationship, its the realising that you can't tell when he's lying.

@OMGDidYouSayThat agree with when a partner cheats it’s usually because they aren’t getting everything they need from you, whatever that might look like, they chose to look elsewhere for a reason so unfortunately you probably aren’t what they want so it’s likely they’ll do it again, happened to me a few times.

This is nonsense.

It is nothing to do with the faithful partner.

Cheaters (male or female) have the same traits.
They lack empathy, have poor communication and problem solving skills, are conflict avoidant and have a sense of entitlement or narcissistic tendencies.

They probably have unrealistic attitudes about relationships and expect their partner to fulfill all their needs - which is an impossible task.

Don’t let the sound of your ticking clock deafen you to common sense.

He was capable of cheating on you when he knew you could easily walk away and not look back. He will most certainly cheat on you again when you are tied down and to him with a child.

Move on.

I’m reconciled after an affair, so I am sympathetic to reconciliation.

But without children and marriage, I wouldn’t even consider the risk!

He is not a safe partner for you, he has proved that with a two year affair, he stole your right to informed sexual consent, your personal agency and put you at risk of STIs for TWO years.

Absolutely not worth the risk, google sunk cost fallacy.

And as for the usual victim blamers on here let’s shout it louder for those at the back, you can’t love someone ‘just right’ all the time to protect yourself from cheating, it’s time the ‘needs met’ nonsense was thrown in the bin where it belongs.

You are not lacking, but he is!

Find yourself a better one.

A one off episode of sex perhaps . 2 years of lying and cheating no way . I’d rather get a sperm donor

He has a terrible character flaw and you are worth so much more. My God 2 years is shocking. Send him over my end and I’ll whip his windpipe out for him.

Agree 100%. My ex had a 2 year affair which he unwillingly gave up. Not only could I not trust him but it gave a weird power imbalance to our relationship. He just ‘let me have my own way’ and became some kind of martyr to the altar of his unfaithfulness. I wasn’t particularly holding it against him but he convinced himself he deserved to be forgiven because he did everything (he thought) I wanted. It was miserable and had not a scrap of self worth in the end. He’s also a bit of a prick to co-parent with.

I don’t agree. Some cheats might have those traits but not all, I read that response not thinking that the ‘partner was lacking’, but the relationship was always lacking something, and therefore the cheater will cheat again. I agree with that. Not that she is lacking anything at all. The opposite, HE is lacking in reality.

There is no excuse for cheating, but there are many different types of cheaters. This is the worst because you had no clue for so long. Do you feel like you know him at all?

Also, if didn’t have kids I would 100% leave. Having children just traps you more. With a cheater who didn’t think you were enough for him! How will you ever know if he is lying?

He is a liar. He will do it again given the right circumstances because this is who he is. He didn’t love you enough to not do this to you in the first place. He will always choose himself. Don’t do this to yourself, you deserve so much more. It will eat away at you until you don’t recognise yourself anymore. Two years. Just no.

As someone else said upthread, I am sympathetic to reconciliation as I have done it after over 20 years of marriage, kids almost adult and approaching early retirement age. Key difference, he moved out when it started so there was never a question of physical overlap. I had spotted something was off a few days before and was about to confront him as I was pretty sure something was going on when he left. He is an absolutely atrocious liar and very quickly tripped himself up with stories that didn't line up. I knew it wouldn't last and got on with my life (it was not that easy). When he came back a few months a broken man and asked to start again, that is exactly what I treated it as. A new start. We lived apart for a year until I was confident it was the right decision. We are 5 years on now and mostly all is good, not perfect, but I do not regret my choice.

In your shoes, young, no kids, and a habitual and expert liar. No chance.

Over it? No, through it, just about. DH nearly lost his job and family through pursuing something outside our marriage. It wasn’t the first time. I spoke to the other woman and whilst he had tried, they hadn’t DTD.

Children finances work and him begging kept us together. He’s a changed man since, and the balance of power has changed drastically. He works at our relationship and our family much, much more. It’s not been easy, and he has no privacy. Our marriage is different, not necessarily better but he now listens and respects who I am and what I do. He’s quick to admit when he’s been a twat and far better at having an active role in the family. Our kids are older now and honestly I suspect it was a selfish, childish reaction to not getting the same attention (sex) from me due to his crap adaptation to being a dad and not sharing the load. They half kill you with exhaustion then strop because you aren’t feeling the whole hot nurse/sexy secretary antics.

i don’t have any answers for you, and im not an example to follow. Only you know. Sorry it’s happened. Men haven’t evolved and unfortunately this is so common, they’re pathetic little boys who want everything their own way.