AIBU for wanting my partner to contribute more financially?

[purplefern1]

Me and DP have been together for 7 years. When we started dating we earned more or less the same but as time went on, I progressed in my career while he was mostly unhappy in his jobs with little motivation to change up until 3 years ago. He also racked up a large credit card debt and still paying this off.

We live in the South, and although our joint income is over 100k, it doesn’t reach far. He can’t afford to go on holidays with me or cover any unexpected expenses. We pay 50/50 on bills, mortgage etc and it did cross my mind to contribute more but given his credit card fiasco that he had hidden from me, I feel resentful.

I grew up in a family where men were high achievers and the breadwinners and this situation feels uncomfortable to me. I am happy to go 50/50 but knowing that I am the only one with savings is daunting.

AIBU for wanting my partner to be able to contribute to our financial security more?

How much more do you earn and did his debt directly affect you?

If £100k doesn’t go far then it seems reasonable to look at all expenditure.

What’s the income split.

if he earns £25k and you earn £75k it makes sense that 50:50 is a significant part of his income leaving him short for leisure.

how was the debt created? Trying to cover cost or reckless overspending?

Also is he lazy or trying? It’s a tough one.

If this thread was written by an obvious woman the advice would be proportional eg 60/40.

If you're beginning to resent him for his low earning power you might want to take another look at your relationship.

The debt prevented us from buying a house we wanted, had to buy a smaller property and used some of the equity to pay his debts off. I earn approx £15k more pa - it’s not a massive difference. I think my resentment also stems from his lack of ability to manage his finances

Leaving the credit card debt aside. Do you think he should be contributing more than you because he’s a man? I’m not sure if that’s what you’re driving at. 50/50 as it stands would seem reasonable, given you’re earning a good wage. But if your stars don’t align anymore you don’t have to stay together.

Like others I wonder what the income split and reasons for debt are. And why he hid that debt.

I am very twitchy about financial unreliability but I’ve also been the low income partner trying to keep up with the lifestyle of a partner earning 500% of what I did. I felt richer after I left because I got to choose where to spend my limited funds.

Reckless overspending. I only found out through the mortgage advisor so it was a pretty big slap in the face. Our incomes are £65k and £50k. He used to be lazy, he is trying now. Has low self-esteem and I think it impacts his job.

If I’m honest you do t sound as if you are fully on the same team.

Overspending on what?

It’s a good question! I think because of my upbringing I naturally expected my partners to earn more and provide security. It has obviously changed now and I realised I can do this by myself. I am certainly not comfortable with the fact that he has no savings and still struggles to manage his money.

I grew up in a family where men were high achievers and the breadwinners and this situation feels uncomfortable to me. I am happy to go 50/50
how magnanimous of you! Do you honestly feel he should pay more as he is male?

So he earns 42k and you earn 57k. That's not a massive difference after tax.

Expecting him to pay more than you is silly though. This isn't 1970. You each have a career and, I assume, no dcs so you have equal earnings potential.

If he is still clearing debt, that will make a difference . And you seem to have different attitudes to money - he is happy go lucky while you are more disciplined. That is what will eventually drive you apart. You'll feel like he is holding you back.

@purplefern1 when dh and I met, 37 years ago, he was on the bones of his arse, flatshare, holes in his shoes. I had my own house and earned much more. He didn't have debts but had ambition. It worked out just fine. I always knew he would be responsible and take responsibility seriously.

In your shoes, I'd draw a line under it and move on. Being skint is one thing, racking up debt quite another.

If he's trying, and paying half, I don't think you can ask more.

Most couples have years when one or other earns more. That's normal.

i wouldn’t expect him to pay more however I would have expected him to not get into debt, for me that’s relationship ending. When I got with my now dh I told him no lies, no cheating and no debt or I would be gone.
im not wasting my life with someone who can’t budget and live within their means.

I think I wasn’t clear enough. I obviously don’t expect him to pay more whilst on his current salary. It bothers me that he has no savings and made some questionable decisions that impact our financial security

I’d contribute proportionally according to income if you’re partners. Is he progressing ok at work now? To what extent did he mismanage finances and is he better now? Is he a good partner in all other aspects? Those are the questions I’d be asking myself.

Can you imagine a thread where Op said dp earns £65k and I earn £50k… he doesn’t think it’s fair we split bills 50/50 and that I should pay more than 50% because that’s what he believes..:

I said contributing to financial security, not to monthly expenses, as explained above.

Paying off his debts should be his priority. Then he needs to budget and save a lot instead of adding to a debt. Earning that amount of money you should be able to save between both of you and be going on great holidays. How much longer will he be paying off his debts?

I think it’s ok to be pissed off that your partner was reckless with money and now has debt that is affecting both of your lifestyles.

Has he learned his lesson?

Financial compatibility is really important in long term relationships IMO.

Fairest would be each of you to contribute the same percentage of their wage. If he earns less than you and is paying 50%, hes paying more than you are.

@purplefern1 How much credit card debt is there?

I’m sure if he earned 15k more you wouldn’t want to contribute 50/50. He’s already contributing more than proportional on his income.
What you’re really asking is, is it reasonable for you to be annoyed he doesn’t earn more?

But paying off the debt is contributing to financial security…it’s getting rid of the debt!!