AIBU for wanting my partner to contribute more financially?

[purplefern1]

Me and DP have been together for 7 years. When we started dating we earned more or less the same but as time went on, I progressed in my career while he was mostly unhappy in his jobs with little motivation to change up until 3 years ago. He also racked up a large credit card debt and still paying this off.

We live in the South, and although our joint income is over 100k, it doesn’t reach far. He can’t afford to go on holidays with me or cover any unexpected expenses. We pay 50/50 on bills, mortgage etc and it did cross my mind to contribute more but given his credit card fiasco that he had hidden from me, I feel resentful.

I grew up in a family where men were high achievers and the breadwinners and this situation feels uncomfortable to me. I am happy to go 50/50 but knowing that I am the only one with savings is daunting.

AIBU for wanting my partner to be able to contribute to our financial security more?

As is paying a proportionally higher amount of his salary for the bill!

You admit that you were brought up to think men should earn more-do you feel that's fair? If your partner was a woman, would your view on this be different? If so, think about whether you still want to have those views, as a lot of men ended up doing absolutely nothing back then.
If you think that even if this was a same sex relationship you'd be resentful,talk about plans to change things, bearing in mind housework/any caring duties etc.

The world isn’t fair. Women still do most of the invisible work (so do I). Perhaps this is also an issue. I think I still have the views that for doing more work at home, you should be “compensated” OR you do 50/50 and contribute equally. There is no balance for us in either of these areas. I have tried talking about this but things haven’t really changed.

Why are you not paying in proportion to your salary. As the higher earner I would expect your contribution to be higher than your DP.
It’s not the 1950’s - why should it be expected that the man will be the higher earner?

There’s no reason to do more than half the domestic work in a partnership with no children. Women only get caught up in this because so many more things still need to be done when it comes to children therefore there is no real choice if their partner is slacking.
In your case you could very easily just not cook his dinners, wash his pants …

If you aren't comfortable with his financial approach then maybe it's not the relationship for you. Him earning more isn't going to change his attitude. He's one job change away from equalling your wages but that may not solve it.
It's unfair doing 50/50 when he earns less.

oh come on, what kind of relationship would that be? Washing clothes separately, cooking separate dinners? Would I leave his dishes on the side too? I have many friends with no children, almost all of them are in the same situation re mental load and split of chores.

The lying and running up debt on shite would have 100% ended the relationship in its tracks.

I wouldnt give a shit about the difference in salaries tbh.
I was earning almost 3 x my.dh when we met.

The debt is just a total No for me (thats irrespective of marriage and children)
You cannot share a life with someone you cannot trust.

A completely normal one?
What sort of relationship is it when an autonomous adult woman chooses to take on another adult’s domestic work and then moans about it?
If he doesn’t wash your clothes there’s really no need to wash his. You don’t need to serve him a full cooked meal every time you want to eat if he doesn’t do the same for you. It’s just common sense, there is nothing making you do these things, he’s a grown man not a dependant child that needs to be fed.

You have a number of choices here, DH has ADHD and his spending habits before we were properly together were dire. Albeit the most debt he ever had was £1300 on a credit card, he did not save. We used to earn similarly but my career has outpaced his, he works full time and has completed a second degree and professional qualifications while working, so he works hard. We used to pay 50/50 but tbh I don't want a relationship where I can afford to do things he can't, so we organise our finances so we have the same disposable income each month. I save some of mine he doesn't, but that's his choice. Those savings are mine not ours. I manage our finances other than that and we save well every month jointly and for DS, at earn a bit more than you but not loads. If we were not married and didn't have DS I might feel differently but at some point it's either a partnership or it's not

You're in the wrong relationship, we don't do half of every task but things are fairly well split, DH is crap at anything organisational or financial, but he's cracking at laundry, ironing and the dishwasher. He also blitzes the housework on his nwd every week, so while I do more of the mental load especially for DS he picks up other areas. When I finished mat leave we also both condensed 5 into 4 to provide childcare

It's incredibly difficult to build a financial future if a couple are not aligned. Money causes many arguments and can lead to resentment.

How old is he? Was his debt caused by immaturity?

Yes why not? Do your own laundry, share the washing up, women don't have to automatically do more? If you and your friends do more, that's up to you.

How much is his debt?

I think you should move on. Lying and racking up debt shows some character flaws and you will always be forced to monitor him, lest he do it again. I was married to someone like that, do not recommend it.

“I grew up in a family where men were high achievers and the breadwinners and this situation feels uncomfortable to me.”

Um, it’s 2026!

Indeed, yet there is stil a gender pay gap and in 60-75% of couples men earn more than women in the UK. My issue is not me earning more but him not having any savings, being in debt and all the other bits I described in the comments, added together.

So your thinking is “generally men earn more, so even though you don’t, we should act like you do,
so you need to pay more?”

Your real question is what your chances are to find a breadwinner that you would very much prefer. The truth is we don’t know, depends on lots of things.
But since you ask this question at the forum it doesn’t seem that these free breadwinner's are a) in your immediate circle; and b) interested in relations with you.
And yes, it is absolutely normal to prefer someone with savings to someone without, the same as someone attractive to someone non attractive. The question is whether you have an option of someone with savings and whether you are willing to risk to explore whether the grass is greener.

No, I just reacted to your statement re 2026.

Its no good stating statistics and using your marriage to fight a battle about gender inequality biased to women.
There arent enough jobs to go round, you both have well paid jobs. Thats good, isnt it?

It sounds to me as if you thought your dh by now would be the main breadwinner and you could have your money and spend his money, and he wouldnt mind, because thats a blokes job. does he know this is how you feel? Do you compare him out loud with other men in your family?

You earn more, you should contribute more. If he is happy its 50/50 thats fine too. How long til his debt is paid? Is there more debt you dont know about?

The OP said nothing about expecting him to contribute more than 50 percent to their living expenses. She is wondering about being with someone who doesn't earn that much less than her, has already got into a lot of debt, and has no savings.

This would bother me a lot too. If the debt was a one-off stupidity then that's one thing but if he is still bad with money - can't budget, can't save - that's another. Compatibility with money is really important. one of my dearest friends is hopeless with money - she'll say it herself. I love her but no way would I ever get into a partnership/marriage with someone like her despite all her great qualities.

Actually young women as a rule generally out earn men until they start having children. When tends to happen is women’s salaries then stagnate and reduce due to many going part time and then men have standard yearly progression. The idea that men just earn huge amounts more than women while both in full time work isn’t really true.

I guess you’re free to split up and end your relationship in order to look for someone who has more savings but there’s no guarantee you will end up with what you want.

What everyone is trying to say is by him paying 50/50 he is proportionally paying more on essentials than you are, leaving him with even less money to pay off his remaining debt and start saving.

If your issue is only him not having savings why haven’t you focused on that in your OP, or in your life?
How much of his debt is remaining?
What is the current timeline for paying that off?
What was the debt for?
Why don’t you pay bills in proportion to your income in order for him to pay it off faster?
How much do you save each month?
How much do you think you both should save each money?
What are the savings for?

It wouldn't bother me if my partner earned less than me. It would bother me a lot if he ran up debts from unnecessary overspending, hid this from me until I found out from the mortgage advisor, and didn't pull his weight around the home. So I think YANBU.

Quite honestky my last husband was terrible wigh money. Mucked about at work and was always getting fired, thought our money was for him to go on jollies while I paid the mortgsge and bills.
After 20 years of this I just felt worn out and quite frankly used.
The consequent divorce was a relief.
I didnt feel supported at all or feel we'd have a future if this continued.