Feeling worthless

[CandyFlossssss]

Any advice on how to stop feeling worthless as a single mum and that no man would ever be interested in me? Realistically I know some single mums do meet new partners but I feel that will never happen for me now.

I think the real problem here is you judging your worth on whether you have a man in your life, or not. Being in a relationship doesn't increase your worth. You are much more than just a potential girlfriend for someone!

I felt like you. With 3 kids. But i met someone and be a year in september.

You will meet someone 😊 youre not worthless! X

Decentre men? I haven’t dated since my youngest was conceived 9 years ago 🫣 I don’t feel worthless without a man but I feel worthless to men if that makes sense. Like I feel like no one would be interested now but I don’t need a man otherwise I wouldn’t have spent so long alone but one of the reasons I did is that I felt undateable now.

A single dads usually either share custody or have the kids every other weekend so don’t have the same restrictions as single mums who have the kids the majority (or all the time) so I’m not sure it’s comparable. I don’t know any lone fathers (I’m sure there are before loads of people tell me they know hundreds of them) but it is far less common.

I know two single dads who have their kids 50/50 who would be open to dating single mums OP, both perfectly nice normal decent men so they are about. I think dating apps are a numbers game unfortunately, you have to keep at it and filter out the dross.

You need to work out why you feel like you only have 'worth' if a man wants you. This is how women end up with the losers so frequently posted about here.

I meant that single dads don’t have as much restrictions when it comes to dating as they are usually the NRP in most cases or 50/50 but again I don’t think that’s common.

That’s not what I meant though

There’s not many. I have my daughter full time at the moment, and I know a couple of others who have there’s 50% of the time.

BUT the most important thing is you meet someone who is compatible, will support you emotionally and who is decent.

I do actually think some ‘healing’ can only be done when people are in a good relationship. Maybe you need to find this or at least go on a few dates first before you can fully realise your worth.

I don’t actually feel worthless as a person or as a mum. I’m proud of myself for raising my kids alone and I’ve managed on my own for nine years, so this isn’t about feeling like I need a man to complete me.
What I struggle with is feeling that men see me differently because I’m a single mum. I worry they’ll see me as having too much baggage, or as less desirable than someone without children. Whether that’s true or not, it’s how I feel, and it’s knocked my confidence.
So it’s not that I think I’m low value. It’s that I worry a potential partners, might see me that way. I know plenty of single mums meet new partners, but I find it hard to believe that would happen for me.

Well that's absolute rubbish. I'm so sorry he was so cruel and that your family made it worse.

FWIW, I am a single mum in my mid 40s and I've just got back into dating and finding that I have a lot of interest, from some rather lovely men! And a single mum friend of the same age has found the same, she has a great new partner now.

A PP was also right that your worth is nothing to do with whether a man wants you or not, but I bet you if you start dipping your toes back into dating you will be pleasantly surprised.

I think the answer is to tell yourself that you will stop looking for a partner for the next 10 years. Then your youngest will be 19.

I say this for many reasons:

1. Step families are often absolute shit-shows for all involved. It is not fair to your children to bring a new partner into their home and let him play at being 'step-dad'. Even worse if he has his own kids too. This is the main thing - you want a partner, but your children won't want a strange man living in their home, let alone having step-siblings foisted on them.
2. You should not have a string of 'boyfriends' whilst your children are at home, and certainly never introduce them to your children. This applies even if the relationship is 'serious' and you are hoping for it to be long term. The chances are you will split up with each boyfriend in 2 or 3 years max, so just keep them well away from your children. If you need to find sex, get a baby-sitter and be very, very discrete.
3. It is better to accept your role as a single parent and do that with your whole heart, instead of being distracted by dating and trying to find a replacement partner.
4. When your children are all adults, your job as 'mum' will change, and that is the time to find yourself a new partner to share your retirement with.

God no I won’t be doing that but I can’t tell if that’s sarcasm
or not

You dont need to wait til theyre older. I didnt.

“What I struggle with is feeling that men see me differently because I’m a single mum. I worry they’ll see me as having too much baggage, or as less desirable than someone without children.”

I’m going to be brutally honest with you @CandyFlossssss. Yes, there’s going to be people out there who will think that, but you need to realise that the ones who do aren’t right for you or your children… and you shouldn’t even be contemplating wasting time on them.

Was that a reply to me?
I was not being sarcastic at all - I am very serious.

Ah well thanks for the advice but I don’t think I will be doing that

Never heard this advice given to a man. Single mums are allowed to date. I’m sure OP is aware of basic safety.

Of course single mums can date. I said as much: "If you need to find sex, get a baby-sitter and be very, very discrete."

But dating is not the same thing as looking for a new partner.
No parent should introduce a potential new partner to their children, even if the relationship has lasted a couple of years or more, because it could still end and that messes up kids.
And they should not be looking to form a step family with a new partner. Moving in with a new life partner can wait until the kids are all adults.

Meanwhile, go and date, and even have a 'long-term' boyfriend, but keep any idea of partnering up and forming a step-family strictly off limits.

I’m not looking for “discrete sex” as you put it. God that just screams the whole “single mums are only good enough for sex” I am
looking for a partner thanks.

Yep sadly single dads can do what they like it’s only single mums that need to be “discrete sex” only lol

I think you need to flip the situation in your mind. You are not worthless to them - in fact, you shouldn't even be considering your 'worth' to men. What is their worth to your life? I've been divorced 5 years and I've been strung along by a few men and then unceremoniously dumped or ghosted. I have grown a lot in the past few years and don't need a man bringing drama into my life or whining about their feelings or trying to sponge off me or control me etc etc. So now I ask myself, is this man worth anything to me? If I like them I have sex with them and then back right off. Beat them at their own game. If they're worth your time, they will chase you. If they don't, then Thank You, Next. This is your life and you are a single independent woman. You have absolutely tons of 'worth', unlike many men.

Yeah you don't need to do that! Obviously the poster has a point about prioritizing the needs/home life of your kids, but it's not true that all blended families fail, all step dads/siblings are hated etc. And there's also an array of possibilities between that and having no one.

Of course you can meet someone if you want. I have two young kids and have been with my partner - who absolutely dotes on me - nearly two years. He's just now meeting my kids, very slowly, because they come first.

OP I'm a single mum of 2. I'm 50. I have had a lot of interest from men - including many good ones - over the last 10 years but haven't found one I really like yet.

I sense you are rightly angry, about several different things:

1. Your family were cruel to you (bastards, I hope you've cut them off)
2. Your ex was cruel to you, and also left you (bastard)
3. Some nasty men on the internet are nasty about single mothers (bastards)
4. You have limited freedom (partly due to bastard ex not stepping up I'm guessing)
5. Society in general doesn't esteem single mothers enough for our hard work

Not all of those are solvable. But one very important thing I want you to know regarding family, your ex, and people on the internet: Just because someone says something doesn't make it true