I've been with my husband for 13 years and we've been married for 10. We have two young children.
In February I discovered that for the last four years he'd been chatting to other women online. I found nearly 200 archived chats. I can't see the content because they're archived, but he says none of the conversations were sexual. According to him, he was just escaping his life, talking to other people about his problems, and wanted an outlet. He says he wasn't cheating because he never slept with anyone.
To me, it feels like emotional cheating. He actively sought out women in chat rooms, moved conversations onto private WhatsApp, and spent years talking to them instead of talking to me. We've also had a sexless marriage for years and haven't had sex for about 18 months. Throughout that time he always told me he had a low sex drive or wasn't feeling well, so it's hard not to question everything now.
The timing makes it even harder. Around two and a half years ago, he was offered a major promotion. I left a secure, well-paid career with a good pension so we could move as a family. I genuinely believed we were making that sacrifice together for our future. If I'd known then that he'd already been secretly talking to other women for years, I don't think I would have left my job or moved away from everyone I knew.
After our first child I suffered with postpartum depression. Losing my career, feeling like all the hard work I'd put into it had been dismissed, and trying to adjust to becoming a mum really affected me. Both my husband and my employer were very dismissive of how much I was struggling, which left me feeling incredibly alone. Since then we've also discovered that both of our children are neurodivergent, so life has brought additional challenges that many people probably won't understand unless they've lived it.
Looking back now, it's painful to realise that while I was struggling with my mental health, grieving the loss of my career, raising two young children with additional needs, and supporting his career move, he was spending years chatting to hundreds of other women because he wanted to "escape" his life. It feels like he was escaping me and the children while I was carrying so much of the emotional load.
Financially, I now feel trapped. I work part-time in a job that I genuinely enjoy, but it pays very little because it has to fit around childcare and we have no family nearby to help. I can't afford to rent somewhere on my own, even after looking into child maintenance. We also jointly own the house we used to live in, which is rented out, so our finances are tied together.
Since I found out in February, very little has changed. He still says he doesn't think he cheated. He apologised because he felt he had to, not because he believes he did anything wrong. He also tells me he doesn't love me, but says it's not personal because he doesn't love anybody, and that I'm overreacting by taking it personally.
I feel completely stuck. I don't know whether I should stay because of the practical realities, or whether I should start planning a way out, even if it takes time. Part of me wonders if moving back in with my mum at nearly 40 is the answer, but that would mean uprooting the children from the area where they're settled, and I don't particularly want to live there. The alternative would be selling our rental property or moving back there, but that doesn't feel like the right answer either.
I'm not looking for people to tell me to leave immediately. I'm looking for honest opinions because I feel too close to the situation to think clearly.
Am I overreacting, or would other people also see four years of secretly messaging around 200 women, alongside a sexless marriage and everything else that's happened, as a serious betrayal? And if you were in my position, would you stay and try to rebuild the marriage, or quietly start planning your exit?