Confused

[QuickShark]

Feeling at a loss. I have been in a relationship for just over a year, our circumstances are very different. I have a full time job, second income, my own home and car and have 2 children from my long term relationship. He also has 2 children but lives with his parents, doesn’t have a car and has no fixed income.

This hasn’t changed since we met but I had hoped it would-I feel selfish saying it but I find it hard that we can’t do things together unless I can pay for us both which I can’t afford in the long run, we never have any plans and have never had any proper dates. I took him away for his birthday and have planned and paid for days out for us.

He has a trade but hasn’t done it for a number of years and doesn’t wish to go back to it, which I respect but I’m struggling that he has been pursuing trading bitcoin/forex/gold for a number of years and loses money big time which then impacts his mental health. he sold his car and put all the money into this and lost it all, he also won £500 and put it all in to this and lost it. I feel selfish in feeling this way but I can’t change the things that matter to me. Our time together revolves around me picking him up and dropping him off to come to my house when my children aren’t here. I’ve never been invited to his home or to meet his parents. He’s started behaving in a way that doesn’t sit right to me around sex- “I’ll have a @@ now”, no intimacy or effort-he makes it sound like he’s joking but I know he isn’t.
im not sure what I’m asking but I just feel really selfish in the thoughts I’m having, he isn’t a bad person but I just feel the effort is so minimal-some through circumstances but even when he is here I am waiting on him, cooking for him etc. he doesn’t even offer to make me a drink whilst I’m working or to ever grab any bits for us whilst I’m working. Sorry for the rant and please be nice, I have offered him so much emotional support during our time together

You're not being selfish to end a relationship that doesn't work for you or make you happy. This guy could be objectively the "best" person in the world and you could be madly in love with him and there still could be plenty of very good reasons why it might not be feasible or good or even possible to be together. Certainly the fact that he "isn't bad person" is NO reason to be in a relationship with him; you don't OWE anyone that. Your time and attention and body are not commodities (and even if they were he couldn't afford them). But actually, he kind of IS a "bad person", isn't he, based on the way he has been treating you, the way he makes you feel, and his complete willingness to let you support and carry him without lifting a finger?

He needs to get a job. All this woe is me is pitiful.
He is 37. He needs to grow up. Will you stay with him?

OP, I think by now you have the message that everyone thinks you should ditch this man. When you have done this some more therapy would be great, but can I also recommend to you spending some of your new, peaceful, free time working through Dr Nicole LePera’s book “how to meet yourself”. It’s a workbook that you go through and fill out yourself. I found it helpful when I was trying to build my self esteem post my abusive marriage.

No-we arrange a time and he comes to the end of the road so I don’t even get out of the car! He definitely does live with them, I’ve heard him mention me on the phone etc but has struck me as odd that I’ve never been invited there or to any family events. Met his sister once but that was accidental

OP you evidently don't realise this but you are a winner in life. You have success and achievements that others don't and you should be very proud of this.

Don't compromise on someone who does not have these things!!!

A partnership should be more than the sum of its parts. In your case your partner is bringing a less than zero contribution to your partnership.

So far from being stronger together you are weaker together. In both material (money) says but also emotionally.

Reflect on all you have and are achieving in your life and give yourself a pat on the back.

Thankyou all for the helpful comments and signposting of things to help me work on the reasons why I am setting the bar so low with my expectations from a relationship.
I think I just needed to hear out loud what I already knew from my thoughts and feelings. I’ve also felt like I have been picked to pieces recently, almost daily (some allegations that I follow 3 men on instagram-one is a personal trainer I follow for the fitness info and had interacted with when I was single,the other my friend’s ex husband who I’ve known for many years and the other a influencer who posts doggy pics of the same dog that I have),the other that I must be watching porn-something to do with a vpn-absolutely no idea about this, definitely not true what so ever.something else about me being active on Facebook whilst at work (I was arranging collection of some festival tickets I’d purchased from someone local). all has been exhausting trying to defend myself against things that have truth what so ever. I’ve made the decision to walk away from this and to work on myself and continue focusing on my work, children and home. Thanks so much

Honestly if I could come round and stand at the end of your path and applaud you I would.
As for the suspicion he knows his own tricks best. He is the porn-watcher. I’d bet my house on it.
He might try and win you over because he probably enjoys his 4 day freedom holidays. Well your guest house is now closed.
@QuickShark you have a whole, free life ahead of you. Enjoy it because this man is strange. The fact you have to pick him up at the end of the road would worry me, too.
He is definitely hiding something.

You need to have some non negotiables - I wouldn’t had entertained a man who didn’t have a car or a fixed income (unless out of their control I.e. redundancy but trying to sort that out).

I would probably dump him and let him know that I needed more stability in my life.

You are definitely not the bad guy in this relationship.
I suggest you say goodbye to this one, spend sometime on increasing your self-esteem and feelings of worth, maybe with counselling and forget about dating for a while.

Run for the hills. He is a user and he won’t change. You deserve someone who is functioning at your level. He sounds like he is using you financially, emotionally and sexually. You are not getting anything back from him. Imagine all the money on driving around, coffees and meals you’ve spent on him that you could have spent on your children or yourself! You are clearly an incredible, lovely and successful person, I wish you all the best in the future. People pleasing is a bad thing, I was also one due to a narcissistic father who treated my poor mum like dirt. It also took me many years to learn to say no and to actually follow through. But it has changed my life for the better. I think you may benefit from some time being single and further counselling. I think you’ll get there x

Thanks so much for your comment. I’m so glad I posted on here as I hate thinking badly of people or feeling that I haven’t given them the benefit of the doubt but in doing so I’m allowing myself to stay in unhealthy situations
. I do feel that so much stems back to my inner child wanting to be loved and to be ‘good enough’-having experienced the same as you just described and also as an adult similar behaviour towards myself before I put boundaries in place mainly to protect my children but also myself. The dating pool is pretty grim to be fair, so many men seeing multiple women and keeping their options open-I guess I settled for breadcrumbs in that at least he was consistant in communication and time together and appeared committed. Pathetic I know. I think I just need to focus on keeping my own cup filled and to stop allowing searching for the good in people, making me ignore the bad.

The good should be all up in your face, plentiful and obvious. You shouldn't need to scratch around for it.

You don’t owe anyone a relationship and the way he talks to you around his wants is frankly disgusting.

He’s a loser who tells you when to give him a blowjob. Just get rid and get some self respect back. God he’s foul. Don’t date anyone like this again, you can clearly do better. Eurgh. You do not have to put up with any of this. All you have to do is say “it’s not working out” and put a stop to it.

You are better off alone than with this shit, focus on making your own life better without a man,

Fwiw I don’t think it’s pathetic, it just shows you have a kind and open heart, you give people the benefit of the doubt and you let your walls down to let love in. I don’t think that’s a bad thing in of itself, it’s what makes us human. It’s only a problem when you let the wrong ones in and don’t recognise it. Or when you start to recognise it but you tie yourself up in knots trying to fix it/fix them/please them when actually that’s their job, not yours. And I think these annoying leech guys recognise your kindness and prey on your agreeable nature. You’re a good person. But I agree, the dating pool is horrific and it can be easier to settle for a level 4 bastard, because you’re used to being with a level 10 bastard. But the only acceptable level of bastard is level 0! Xx

He is not 'trading'. He is a gambling addict.

By paying for his housing costs, living expenses, food, transport, days out etc, you and his parents are facilitating his gambling addiction, and he will never change. You are flogging a dead horse here when it comes to a relationship, because gambling will always come first.

You are not his support network or his therapist, and it is not up to you to fix him or his issues. You are not responsible for him in any way.

Please don't stay in this relationship in the vain hope that you can wave some magic wand and change him into the person you need. Nobody can.

Get him in the bin. You deserve love.

I'm not sure what I’m asking but I just feel really selfish in the thoughts I’m having,\

This is one of the saddest sentences I've ever read on MN.

And sadly, I'm not in the least surprised by your update that he accuses you of cheating or looking at other men etc.

This man is a LEACh. He's probably also a covert narcissist. I am confident he is lying to you about his living arrangements, relationship with his children etc.

Please end this and get some therapy for yourself so that you can appreciate the amazing things you've done for yourself and your children without anothe rman like this coming along and attempting to derail you.

He sounds fucking awful. What's stopping you dumping him now by text?

OP please, please see this situationship for what it is. He has it good, just like a baby, no responsibility, accountability and he is a risk taker. What he is doing to his own finances is already impacting yours, have a think about that please.

No wonder you are confused. He is clearly treating you in a way your consciousness is use to or expecting, and you will not see that till you work on that and why you expect so little from individuals, and specially this bloke.

You are a provider for him on every level of his life.

If you move further into this situationship it will have a huge impact on your financial means and your financial future.

Are you really willing to be financially responsible for this man? You are already providing him with financial means while picking him up, catering to your dates, and so I ask, why do you so eagerly think this man needs saving from whatever when in fact its you that does need saving from him? Stop saving him.