Confused

[QuickShark]

Feeling at a loss. I have been in a relationship for just over a year, our circumstances are very different. I have a full time job, second income, my own home and car and have 2 children from my long term relationship. He also has 2 children but lives with his parents, doesn’t have a car and has no fixed income.

This hasn’t changed since we met but I had hoped it would-I feel selfish saying it but I find it hard that we can’t do things together unless I can pay for us both which I can’t afford in the long run, we never have any plans and have never had any proper dates. I took him away for his birthday and have planned and paid for days out for us.

He has a trade but hasn’t done it for a number of years and doesn’t wish to go back to it, which I respect but I’m struggling that he has been pursuing trading bitcoin/forex/gold for a number of years and loses money big time which then impacts his mental health. he sold his car and put all the money into this and lost it all, he also won £500 and put it all in to this and lost it. I feel selfish in feeling this way but I can’t change the things that matter to me. Our time together revolves around me picking him up and dropping him off to come to my house when my children aren’t here. I’ve never been invited to his home or to meet his parents. He’s started behaving in a way that doesn’t sit right to me around sex- “I’ll have a @@ now”, no intimacy or effort-he makes it sound like he’s joking but I know he isn’t.
im not sure what I’m asking but I just feel really selfish in the thoughts I’m having, he isn’t a bad person but I just feel the effort is so minimal-some through circumstances but even when he is here I am waiting on him, cooking for him etc. he doesn’t even offer to make me a drink whilst I’m working or to ever grab any bits for us whilst I’m working. Sorry for the rant and please be nice, I have offered him so much emotional support during our time together

He’s a total loser. He’s never gonna change and why are you fucking up your life to be with him?

Please leave him, and get therapy so you don't end up in another such relationship again.

I don’t feel like I’m messing up my life-I have good career that I’ve worked hard for over the years, I’ve built a successful business up alongside that and I own my own home and car and spend positive time with my children who I have shared care of-he isn’t a part of any of that.
i do question what will change in this relationship and what the future would look like which is why I posted on here..for clarity I suppose as I would like an equal partnership where both our needs were being met. He has been promising change since I met him and I’ve given him the benefit of the doubt but obviously trading is a huge money pit and it’s become more apparent that he isn’t willing to go back to “the rat race” like me

Don't let him move in with you, ever. I would also say never date a man who doesn't work, they'll expect you to pay for everything.

i do question what will change in this relationship and what the future would look like

Nothing will change in this relationship. The future looks exactly like what you are choosing to put up with now - you'll just have a lot less money.

Not sure why your confused...I'm not the most confident but I will make decisions that promote what confidence I have and that would not be being near this guy who is using you

Dump and run

Why are so many men like this?

This isn't a relationship, he's not even a boyfriend since he's not even dating you.
He's using you, robbing your time, destroying your self esteem and exploiting you for accommodation and sex.

Never hope an adult will change, only ever date a man if he is solvent, not homeless, intelligent, feminist, enhances every aspect of your life and makes it easier and fun.

Even then, the happiest section of society are single women. You're depriving yourself of such joy and peace- why?

You deserve far better.

Dump him.

You don’t need validation from a man. You’re clearly a very successful woman and you’ve achieved so much. And he’s a lazy user. He’s like a leech, bleeding you dry. You deserve better.

Please, please get rid of the user and start to work on liking yourself. Realising how great you are. When you’re thinking badly of yourself, stop and focus instead on something good; a happy memory, something you’ve achieved, a business success. These are the things that matter. It has to come from you and you can do it. You stopped your father from putting down your daughters because you knew it wasn’t good for them; now you need to apply that same boundary for yourself.

I used to keep a diary of the nice things that happened each day. You might find something similar helps you to think about the best of yourself, the good things you have. It certainly helped me when I was looking for a change in myself.

Sending you strength. X

OP.
Just think of all that money you have spent on him during the time you have been together.
Times away, meals out, feeding at home, utilities he is using.
All of that money could be in a savings account for your children.
He is a horrible user who doesn’t really need to work because he knows you will always subsidise him.
Time to take your life back.

Allowing him to treat you like this can't be good for your self esteem. It only compounds the unhealthy patterns of the past.

Don't you want to break those patterns and start showing yourself some care?

I wanted to bang my head against a wall after reading this.
You have a profession, income earning, managing a career and children, physically fit and take care of yourself.
Those are all such huge wins.
He isn’t a nice man he’s a cocklodger of World Cup winning proportions.
He mooches off you.
He mooches of his parents.
Of course he doesn’t want to get a job because why should he? He has no plans to provide for his DC.
The joke about a sex act isn’t a joke at all. He tells you it is to placate you but actually it is a demeaning lack of respect. It is contempt.
This man is using you and giving nothing back.
I understand you’ve had issues but you recognise what they are and you must know in your heart that NONE of this is right.
I would rather have no partner forever than a man like this, he is the ick to infinity. And I’ve been around a few abuse arseholes.
If you stay in this your self esteem will continue to crumble.
You are a bright, together woman. Stop looking for breadcrumbs of this man’s mother’s dining table (as he doesn’t have one) and show yourself the respect you deserve.
If you stay in this, you are allowing it.

All of this. Especially this:

All of that money could be in a savings account for your children.

You are depriving your children for the sake of a low-life who is USING you. He isn’t even bothering to hide it by pretending that he loves and cherishes you.

Why do you place so little value on yourself?

Your bar is so low it's subterranean. @QuickShark you are worth so much more than this selfish tight arsed leech.
Dump him.

Get shot of him asap.

You're modeling for your kids that a one way relationship paying for some user waste of space is fine.

Are you successful enough to be a sugar mama and you and your kids won't miss the money you throw away on him?

Their educations are fully funded, your mortgage is paid, you can help your kids into the housing market by buying them first homes, your pension is topped up?

Thanks for articulating this so well. I think I just needed other people to say the same as what I have been feeling deep down- I was questioning whether I was being unreasonable in not giving him time or support to change.
initially there was emotion and interest in my life which I suppose helped create a bond..or the illusion of one, over time this has gone and I’ve felt more like a mother (with little thanks) dropping off and picking up all the time, buying and cooking our meals, even the endless coffee he drinks whilst here and the general juggling my demanding job, business, children, dog and home around this-I will absolutely make time for the right person but I don’t feel there is effort or intimacy back-the way he jokingly demands @@@like some sort of entitlement has started to really frustrate me-no love, affection or warmth..it’s actually ruined my libido and made me feel more like a free prostitute than girlfriend. And the constant meltdowns he has about “having to go back to work” because trading is draining all his money- I’m no longer feeling sympathetic as to me work is a way of life, lots of people have jobs that they don’t love but stick at to provide security for their families or to be able to afford the things they enjoy in life..it’s good to have dream and ambition but I feel there has to be an element of reality as well surely.

I don’t know how he old he is but he must be a drain on his parents. Not your problem but this man is not accountable to anyone.
Forex trader my arse.
I agree with pp who said you removed your daughters from your father.
You deserve the same level of care.
Describing yourself as a free prostitute should be a wake up call when you are such an accomplished woman.
Let this leech go back to gaming in his mum’s box room because that’s probably what he’s doing.

He is taking zero responsibility for his life and acting like a spoilt and petulant child.
Please don’t expose yourself to any more of his destructive and belittling behaviour.
You are much better than this and deserve so much more.
Please finish it today.

He’s 37. A lot of the time when things go wrong he jumps on the pity wagon of the universe having it in for him-I’ve tried to say it’s more the things that he is doing having huge risk associated with them and some poor past choices (leading to him having no financial assets, pension, poor credit rating etc) which obviously make things feel harder for him now. He says repeatedly he hates his situation, but as far as I can see the solution is to get some financial security theough consistant work and to build the bigger dreams from there. I think as people have pointed out we are just very different people with different perspectives. Sadly I’ve known this from the start but probably been a bit deluded (for my own reasons) that things would change. It has helped to hear so many people echoing similar things🙂

You say you pick him up from his house - has the door never been answered by his parents? Surely you've met them like this during a whole year together - even just a chat on the doorstep?

He sounds awful! Would you want one of your kids ending up with someone like him? Honestly get rid, objectively he is not boyfriend/partner material!!

You don’t seem confused. You sound like you’ve totally got the measure of him. At the end of the day you’re not happy and it seems you are the grown up in this relationship.

You know what to do OP.