Confused

[QuickShark]

Feeling at a loss. I have been in a relationship for just over a year, our circumstances are very different. I have a full time job, second income, my own home and car and have 2 children from my long term relationship. He also has 2 children but lives with his parents, doesn’t have a car and has no fixed income.

This hasn’t changed since we met but I had hoped it would-I feel selfish saying it but I find it hard that we can’t do things together unless I can pay for us both which I can’t afford in the long run, we never have any plans and have never had any proper dates. I took him away for his birthday and have planned and paid for days out for us.

He has a trade but hasn’t done it for a number of years and doesn’t wish to go back to it, which I respect but I’m struggling that he has been pursuing trading bitcoin/forex/gold for a number of years and loses money big time which then impacts his mental health. he sold his car and put all the money into this and lost it all, he also won £500 and put it all in to this and lost it. I feel selfish in feeling this way but I can’t change the things that matter to me. Our time together revolves around me picking him up and dropping him off to come to my house when my children aren’t here. I’ve never been invited to his home or to meet his parents. He’s started behaving in a way that doesn’t sit right to me around sex- “I’ll have a @@ now”, no intimacy or effort-he makes it sound like he’s joking but I know he isn’t.
im not sure what I’m asking but I just feel really selfish in the thoughts I’m having, he isn’t a bad person but I just feel the effort is so minimal-some through circumstances but even when he is here I am waiting on him, cooking for him etc. he doesn’t even offer to make me a drink whilst I’m working or to ever grab any bits for us whilst I’m working. Sorry for the rant and please be nice, I have offered him so much emotional support during our time together

Is this really all you think you're worth?

I don't understand why you're even questioning it. Surely this is about as obvious a "Dump him" as it gets.

You have mentioned feeling selfish several times in your post, yet appear to have a skewed perception of what the word actually means.

A relationship is a 2 way thing. How about writing a list in 2 columns detailing what effort you both put in, not just financially. What does he bring to your life? What effort is he putting in to bettering himself? (other than gambling).

Thanks for your reply. My self worth isn’t great if I’m honest-I make effort with my appearance and keeping fit but I’ve got some deeper insecurities following a poor relationship with my own father and an abusive relationship, I’m a people pleaser and always worry about being the bad guy In a situation or judging someone wrongly, which hasn’t served me well I suppose.

Is there a reason why your self esteem is so low that you have been accepting this shitty behaviour?

Abusive childhood? Horrible ex partner?

He is a total failure. Bin him. Block him. Don’t give him a second thought.

I thought you were describing my exh for a second there except he managed to hang on to our house post divorce.

I’ll give you the same advice I would give any one of the number of girlfriends he’s had over the years. Get rid. You’re absolutely wasting your time, money and emotional energy.

Thankyou-this comes from a past abusive relationship where I was severely gaslit repeatedly. I suppose in comparison he is kind to me, he has helped me with some things in the house practically (although he does stay here 4 nights every other week when we are child free). He does offer me some emotional support when I’ve struggled with work stresses etc but I feel he is always so emotionally invested in ‘trading’ which has only ever taken a heck of a lot of money and negatively impacted his mental health but he seems to be chasing this dream lifestyle that he thinks it will bring-but missing out on living life in the mean time

You’ve hit the nail on the head- poor relationship with my father stemming from childhood, and unfortunately a previous abusive relationship (emotionally, physically and financially. I’ve had private counselling and counselling through the women’s centre but guess a lot of this stuff is deep rooted.

He'll have a what now?

People pleasing often arises from wanting to parent please an emotionally absent or otherwise difficult parent. I see without much surprise that your father was abusive. Look what they taught you about relationships when you were growing up. Both he and your mother have taught you damaging lessons about relationships that affect you to the present day (low self worth etc).

Being a people pleaser is a problem because your boundaries are skewed due to abuse and poor life experience. In addition you feel you cannot say no to anyone. Please consider getting therapy for this issue as doing that will stand you in good stead. BACP are good and don’t charge the earth.

Do ditch this current man you’re with because he is a loser who is taking advantage of you. Love your own self for a change; you need to recognise your own self worth here.

He's out for the easiest life and he's found that a GF who supports him while he refuses to work but plays at scams like cr y p and the like is the easiest life. He will never support himself.

You deserve much better. Get therapy for your self esteem issues and ditch the parasite for good.

Something sexual usually. I’m not a prude but for me sex in a relationship should have some intimacy or effort

Thanks so much for your reply. This is so very true-my mum allowed my dad to speak to her and us like dirt throughout our childhood. I became estranged from my dad after he started speaking to my little girls in the same manner as I certainly didn’t want them growing up viewing that as acceptable.
previous counselling did suggest that I am looking for validation from men when in a relationship, to replace what I haven’t had from my own father. I’ve worked so hard to be in a good place-exercising, building a business alongside my full time job/career but for some reason I just have no self worth when it comes to relationships.

All your current bloke is doing is treating you with the utmost contempt whilst you act like a mother figure to him. He has no respect for you and will continue to drag you down with him; trading indeed!. It’s a Mugs game for the unwary in particular.

Sorry, i agree with the other comments on here. I know it will be hard for you to read them. Maybe write a list of his positives and negatives ? How would you feel if he is always going to be like this, would you stay with him ? Do you see the rest of your life with him, as it is now ? becos it doesnt sound like hes someone that is going to make any positive changes for himself, for his kids, or for you.

So sorry for you. He is a Total User. He doesn't need to be nice to you. You are doing everything for him, including sex!

You are worth far far more than that. Your children are being deprived as you are spending money and time on him instead of them.

Time to call it a day. Put this down as an expensive experience and raise your bar. When your DC are away go somewhere lovely just for you, maybe a spa, massage, manicure, different hairstyle, make up?

Oh god just get rid of this loser.

OP, it is perfectly okay not to want to go out with someone because they don't have a job or a place to live. If he was investing at the local bookmaker's as a 'job' the outcome would be similar.

You sound great, he doesn't. Find someone who is. Life's too short for all this. Good luck.

Jesus wept 🤦‍♀️ this guy may as well have LOSER tattooed on his forehead! Get rid, he's just a waste of space. Raise your bar and next time you date someone, at least make sure they're solvent.

You don’t have to write a list of positives and negatives and somehow weigh them up against each other and then be obliged to act on the result, especially as you’re setting a very low bar when it comes to his positives; he does a couple of jobs round your house (during the 4 nights a week he is staying for free), he’s kind, and he’s given you ‘some’ emotional support.

The ‘I’ll have a @@@ now’ remark would have had him straight out of my door no matter who many shelves he’d put up 🤮

Run away, very fast!

Sounds like you're way too different. You're streets ahead of him OP in career, finances, housing, everything. Make sure you don't lose any of that in trying to prop him up. Don't see how this relationship could ever work.

No part of this ‘relationship’ is confusing. He is a useless no-hoper who is dragging you down.

Instead of funding days out with him you should invest in counselling for yourself.

And do a bit of homework:
The Six Pillars of Self Esteem
Women Who Love Too Much

What are you getting out of this relationship with this gambler?

Until you stop looking for validation from
men like this individual you’re currently with in a hopeless attempt to replace the emotional support your dad did not give you you’ll continue down the same path. Your abusive father too also had an awful lot to answer for because he failed you abjectly as a parent.

What do you want to teach your kids about relationships and what ads they learning here?. This is no legacy to leave them. Please invest in you by getting more therapy to unlearn the crap you’ve picked up about relationships. What happened to you as a child was not your fault but your dad’s. It’s all on him.

You've never been invited to his home, or to meet his parents.

Have you considered he maybe lives with his wife or gf and you are just picking him up, funding everything and giving him a blow job on demand?

Every single penny you fork out on this waster is money that could have been spent on you or your DC.

Get rid of him asap.