Should I send it back? (TW: abuse)

[didalittlenamechange]

I got out of an abusive relationship in the spring of last year, and moved to a new area. There had been a coercive control dynamic at play, much of which was centred around his suicidal ideation (I was the only one he could tell about it, being with me was what would fix it, I wasn't doing that job right, so he'd scream and have massive tantrums and breakdowns and attack me verbally, etc. etc.).

At that point I was still genuinely concerned for his mental and physical health (heavy user of hard drugs, used to put himself in risky sexual situations), and so after about 6 months of no contact, I reopened a line of communication between us; whatsapp messages, a couple of in-person visits.

Then, this spring, I went through a significant bereavement. He showed up at my door a couple of days later, and had another huge tantrum/breakdown because I was focused on my grief and not him.

He ended up storming out in floods of tears, and then sent me a set of excuses disguised as an apology the next morning. There's been silence between us ever since.

So that's the context. Point is, he left something of his here. It's not expensive, but I know it has sentimental value to him, and I think he did it in order to create a reason to come back.

I've been chewing over the thought of posting it back to him (no note, just the item in a parcel), and I need a bit of a nudge.

I want it gone and out of my home. I don't like it sitting here, and it feels like only a matter of time before he gets in touch about it. Throwing it away would create too much fodder for explosions as and when he asks about it.

But I'm also concerned that me sending it back will also trigger something else – he'll get in touch again, will show up at my door... some drama will follow then too, because I've broken the stalemate.

Can someone objective give me a clearer view here? Is it simply inevitable that I'll run the risk of him getting in touch no matter what I do?

All this.
Send it back and draw a line under him for good.

Wow, lots of perspectives here. The range of responses on this thread are actually kind of validating in and of themselves – it means I'm not as blinded by the detail as I was worried I was.

Thanks, @Dery - I was wondering about the legal implications. That's helpful context.

@Slowfaded I'm so sorry you went through that. Are you doing a little better now?

@Pieandchips999 The thing with his parents - they are, in and of themselves, highly flammable touchpoints for his emotions. I have a hunch that involving them in any way would increase the chances of him getting in touch with me.

@ExplodingSmittens I am in therapy, thanks – I have been since things started to go sideways with this man, and I think that's a big part of how I managed to escape this situation in the first place. Very grateful to my therapist for helping me find my way out. I haven't changed locks as he never had the keys to my new place.

For those of you telling me how 'very simple' this is and to 'just forget it and move on'... I have no doubt at all that you mean well, and I appreciate the intent behind what you're saying, but you should know it's pretty insulting. If surviving and escaping psychological abuse were that simple, it wouldn't exist. I'd suggest it's best not to take that kind of tone if / when you're talking to other survivors in future.

I am much better now thank you @didalittlenamechange - I warned him that any further contact would be treated as harassment and put a couple of cameras up. Fingers crossed, no contact in over a year now. I've done a lot of work on my boundaries and I have a lovely new considerate lovely partner now. But please do not make contact. They feed off it.

I was thinking about legal implications which is why I said put it aside for a year before binning it- I think once a year has passed he can't take any legal action. You might want to check that though.

You'll get through this.

At that point I was still genuinely concerned [...] so after about 6 months of no contact, I reopened a line of communication between us; whatsapp messages, a couple of in-person visits.

Oh Good Lord, I hope you never, ever make such a foolish mistake again.

Post the item back, with a proof of posting from the post office.
Block him everywhere. Never answer any messages or phone calls.
Get a door camera if you don't already have one.
Never, ever answer the door if he turns up. Call the police if you need to, but Don't open the door.

Every interaction you have with him just prolongs the agony for both of you. You need to cut him off completely, for his sake as well as yours.

@StandingDeskDisco I'm sorry, I'm going to need you to clarify. What agony of his am I prolonging, exactly? And what sake of his should I be concerned about?

I assure you, I'm no fool, and I don't appreciate being referred to as such in the context of disentangling myself from complex and extended psychological torture.

You are not a fool. But contacting him after six months was a foolish act.

The agony for him (as well as you) is being entangled in this relationship instead of getting over it and moving on.
You don't have to be concerned about him, at all. In fact it is better if you are not the least bit concerned.
But, if you are actually concerned then remind yourself that it is for both your benefits that this is over and done with.

Yes, "closure". The OP has known him for a very long time, and is fully aware that she is still in a vulnerable position. By throwing his possession away instead of returning it to him, she is still going to remain in that vulnerable position because he will use it against her.

Far better to send it back and be able to draw a line under it.

Foolish: Fool-ish. Like a fool. Lacking good sense or judgement. I was not lacking good sense or judgement, I was still under the psychological influence of my abuser.

I'll remind you, it takes women an average of seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship. If my one, single return to distant contact was foolish, then so was every second of my time living in that house with him before I managed to move out, and I hope to the bottom of my heart that you wouldn't say that was the case, too.

I understand that none of this was your intention, but if you're going to comment on threads like these, you need to be conscious of the wider implications of your choice of words.

And trust me, he's not in agony when I'm 'entangled' with him. He's absolutely THRILLED.

If you have the benefit of therapy, can you talk to your therapist about your options here?

Like you say binning it isn’t necessarily the best from a legal standpoint or a decision that helps you long term.

Lets forget the semantics of fool / foolish. I was not intending to insult you.

He may be thrilled to be entangled with you, but it is not healthy for him (or you, obviously).
What I am suggesting is that if you are finding it difficult not to contact him, because you are worried about him, then remind yourself that it is for his sake as well as yours that you don't. That is all.

If this strategy is not what you need because you are beyond that stage in the process of breaking up for good, that is great.

Just stick it in a box, shove it up in the attic or in the back of a cupboard.
Forgets about him & the item.
If he turns up for it, just hand it over through a window and quickly shut the window. Retreat out of view.

If you live in a flat, drop the box from a window or balcony! If it’s too heavy, just buzz him in and leave it outside your front door. Don’t open the door to him.

Alternatively, get yr friend to take it to his parents. Job done at arm’s length that way.

@ExplodingSmittens yes, I'll talk to my therapist about it tomorrow.

The thought has just bubbled up for some reason over the weekend (lots of things seem to have shown up in my brain asking to be processed this last week) and so I thought I'd ask here too.

It feels like a lose-lose situation.

Sticking it in the back of a cupboard feels like living with a ticking time-bomb, and keeping his energy in the house somehow.

Throwing it away is stocking up extra fuel for his future fire.

And sending it back – to him or to his parents – feels like actively poking the tiger.

So since there's no ideal outcome here for me, maybe there's no 'wrong' action to take either? Maybe it doesn't even really matter?

I suppose you have to figure out which you can handle the best: living with a ticking time bomb, anticipating a future fire, and poking the tiger.

I can't stand things hanging over my head, they take up mental real estate and stop me from moving on. So in your shoes, I personally would prepare myself for all possible responses from him* and then I'd poke the tiger.

Better to get it over and done with: I'd send the package and then an SMS saying that the item had been returned to him and - important because this part is for the police - say that you never want to see him again and that if he tries to contact you, it will be considered stalking and it will be reported to the police. I'd also talk to the police to tell them there is a possibility that he will stalk you and ask then what you should do.

*What would those responses be?
-hammering on your door (tell him you're calling the police - and then call the police)
-sends hundreds of texts, emails, messages etc (block)
-tries to call (block)
-tries to ambush you in the street (change your routines for a few months)
-faux tries to commit suicide and you get a call from the hospital because he claims you are his next of kin (tell them he is stalking you and his parents are his next of kin)

There is no ideal solution here because any action involves him somehow. And he will have known that when he left it there. I can almost certainly say it was deliberate to create this future drama. If you want it out of the house, and I can understand that, maybe have it taken round by a third party (a friend or even a courier firm) with a written message that any future contact will be considered harassment?

I'm so sorry this has happened.

@LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta, @Slowfaded I think you're right.

Ultimately I'm choosing between 'contact on his terms' vs 'contact on my terms', and when I think about it that way, I'd rather be the one who chooses how it starts and ends.

Choosing how it starts and ends won’t work with someone like this.
I have just helped, along with other friends, with a good friend leaving. She actually physically left three years ago and there’s still this back and forth. The last one was very serious. She is in secure accommodation and he threatened her. I read the messages. They are the most violent words I’ve ever read in real life.
We finally got her to engage with DV services, GP, therapy and to tell her family, and they were horrified.
I have just found out she’s going on a foreign holiday with this hideously abusive man, and I know everyone is taking a step back.
You have huge insight. I recall from previous posts that you’ve had a lot of loss recently and it’s been a lot for you.
In trauma, we often freeze. You are frozen over this as every option feels like it has jeopardy involved.
The fact is we all have to leave sentimental things behind. He’s not been back for a year so I would leave well alone. Could a friend store whatever it is? Because it’s neutral to them.
I think perhaps you contacted this man during a very low moment and with a bit of luck you won’t do it again. He sounds dreadful.
What you need to do now is keep moving forward. You have had a lot to deal with, but you have a lot going for you, you have great friends.
I learned a lesson with my friend that her abusive ex saw access to her as success for him, in whichever form it came. This man will see the return of this item as an invitation and you can do without that.
You will get there.

I’m ND and I can get stuck in these loops sometimes and they can be hard to break out of.

I’ve seen your more recent post and I think of returning it and having that contact on your terms is a good way of framing things.

I’d still talk about this with your therapist though and have a think about sending it to him C/o his DPs signed for.

I don’t blame you for wanting it out of your house. Do you have a person who’d be able to drop it off to him with a vague ‘here’s the last thing, it’s done now and she wanted rid of it so there’d be no need for any contact ever again in the future’?

If not, I’d post it back to him with no other communication. I don’t know what the legalities are, but I think if you threw it away, that would be his excuse for another barrage of contact, blaming you for destroying his treasured possessions. I think he’s banking on you knowing it’s important to him to not throw it away, so he can use it as an excuse whenever he wants to. Once that’s gone, he has no reason to contact you.

OP I would leave it because you would be opening doors of further hostile opportunity by him. Or some mind games you should want behind you, not in your imminent future.

Its nice that you think he needs it back but the price you pay for that niceness is too great on your own mental well being. If he has not wanted it back in all this time, he has forgotten about it.

He went 6 months without so much as one message to you, and then you kicked off contact again.

I would presume that he has no intention of contacting you and wouldn’t risk an identical situation arising before

He is a druggie. He’s probably forgotten about whatever he left or because it holds no value - he’s not interested.

Let it be.

I can understand that you might presume that, as someone who's never met him and has only the (very little) information I've shared here to go on about his patterns of behaviour.

I do not share your presumption... hence my post today.

Weighing it all up i think you need to get it posted (tomorrow, just get it done), make sure he is blocked on absolutely everything and be ready to immediately deleted / block / ignore if he contacts you any other way. Once it is posted that's it, done. Imagine how good it will feel to have it out the house and not having to stress about throwing it away