Should I send it back? (TW: abuse)

[didalittlenamechange]

I got out of an abusive relationship in the spring of last year, and moved to a new area. There had been a coercive control dynamic at play, much of which was centred around his suicidal ideation (I was the only one he could tell about it, being with me was what would fix it, I wasn't doing that job right, so he'd scream and have massive tantrums and breakdowns and attack me verbally, etc. etc.).

At that point I was still genuinely concerned for his mental and physical health (heavy user of hard drugs, used to put himself in risky sexual situations), and so after about 6 months of no contact, I reopened a line of communication between us; whatsapp messages, a couple of in-person visits.

Then, this spring, I went through a significant bereavement. He showed up at my door a couple of days later, and had another huge tantrum/breakdown because I was focused on my grief and not him.

He ended up storming out in floods of tears, and then sent me a set of excuses disguised as an apology the next morning. There's been silence between us ever since.

So that's the context. Point is, he left something of his here. It's not expensive, but I know it has sentimental value to him, and I think he did it in order to create a reason to come back.

I've been chewing over the thought of posting it back to him (no note, just the item in a parcel), and I need a bit of a nudge.

I want it gone and out of my home. I don't like it sitting here, and it feels like only a matter of time before he gets in touch about it. Throwing it away would create too much fodder for explosions as and when he asks about it.

But I'm also concerned that me sending it back will also trigger something else – he'll get in touch again, will show up at my door... some drama will follow then too, because I've broken the stalemate.

Can someone objective give me a clearer view here? Is it simply inevitable that I'll run the risk of him getting in touch no matter what I do?

Who gives a flying fig if it’s sentimental to a vile abusive dick

bin it

and never start a thread about this tosspot again. You’ve already wasted too much time on him

The very fact you are worrying about this means you are still vulnerable to him.

Be careful

This, it can’t be that sentimental if he’s left it.

Bin it and if he does come looking for it deny all knowledge.

Why not send it with a short message? "You left this at my house. I'm sending it back but I don’t want to ever see you or hear from you again."

Nah

bin it

does he have friends or relatives who could take it from you?

He's mentioned before (jokingly) that women have left things at his house so they had a reason to come back.

I think (consciously or unconsciously) this is the same thing.

@HoraceCope I know where his parents live, and they know – but that feels like it'd be taking myself closer to him than posting it back directly to his place. I'd rather not have to interact with them.

@Riddlemesenseless You're absolutely right, I am still vulnerable to him. We've known each other almost 20 years - this thing has a loooong tail.

Another long post about someone you need to forget about

bin it
Move on

Send it so you feel you’re on the moral high ground.

Have a plan for if he turns up/gets in touch: eg block him on everything, have a single phrase on repeat if he arrives on your doorstep “I am not opening the door to you. Leave or I will call the police”. Repeat this, don’t engage with any shit, call the police if you need to.

I disagree with the bin-it brigade. I think your right, he left out as a way to contact you again.
Post it back, no note. Then get a camera door bell and do not answer if he comes round. Also, let someone you trust know what you've done, and all them to be on call if he does turn up.
This is the last link to him. You'll feel better when it's done.

I don't think that binning it is the answer because the OP is never going to get closure from that. She'll be forever worried he will use it as another tactic to get back at her.

Far better to send it back and be done with it. When it's gone, it's gone and he will have it back so it can no longer be used as a reason to maintain contact.

Do NOT just bin it. Situations like this have legal implications - you may be what’s termed an involuntary bailee. (From memory, that means you may need to give him a reasonable period of time to collect it after which you can dispose of it). Anyway, you’re best off getting it out of your house. I can’t see how posting it back invites more communication than keeping it does but, if you don’t want to do that, could you get a friend or relative to take it to his parents’ house? You resumed social communication last time. Returning it doesn’t oblige you to resume social communication. Have seen later posts. You could just keep it somewhere you don’t have to look at it for the time being. But he sounds like the kind of person to make a fuss and i think disposing of it could play into his hands even if his complaints come to nothing from a legal perspective.

I had exactly the same thing from a coercive controller - left various things here so that when we broke up he had an excuse for contact. As soon as the items were returned, the contact started up again. It was horrible and made me feel very nervous. Just put the item at the back of a cupboard for a year and then throw it out. Do not make contact.

Do not post the item back. He will know it’s from you and so will respond in turn which is the last thing you want. He wants a response from you and that is the reward for him.

hand over said item to a charity shop or throw it away and don’t give it any more power over you then it already has. Get this item out of your home

Post it back with no note. Block his number and social media so he can't contact you. If he turns up at your house don't open the door, just ignore. If he starts screaming and yelling, call the police. It's really very simple - you were very foolish to have got back in touch with him in the first place. I hope you're getting some therapy to stop you slipping back into contact with this man.

I would post it back. I don't quite understand your reasoning for not doing this via his parents and saying you're sending to them as you want no contact with him. Possibly it would cause more drama. Don't get rid of it because as another poster as mentioned this could cause big drama about you disposing of it

I would arrange for a friend to hand the item over to his parents and ask them to pass it on.

That gets it out of your house, without the need for any contact between you and his family/him. If you decide to put a note in, emphasise that you will not entertain contact of any kind from him. But you don't need to tell him anything. The returned item says it all.

Post it to him but at his parents address. End of.

I wouldn’t post it
he’ll receive it, claim he didn’t and then use that as an excuse to cause trouble again
drop it off with his parents

The OP could send it Signed For care of his Parents that way there is proof it was delivered. I wouldn’t send it to his home address, if he’s on hard drugs and that emotionally unstable you’ll never know if he got it or not.

I’m another poster hoping that you have access to some counselling and you’ve now blocked him on everything.

Having a camera that records is also a really good idea and I also agree with having a set statement if he does show up, something along the lines of “I’m not letting you in and if you don’t go I’ll call the Police”. I imagine if he is a drug user the last thing he’ll want is contact with the Police but you never know.

Have you changed your locks as well?