Anyone else think coming from a large family is actually not that great?

[Banoffeemuffin]

I have 5 siblings, we are all so different, I'm not really in touch with them and have my own life and friends. I just think with bigger families , there's always issues such as resentments , loyaltes, cliques and also just realizing that you don't have that much on common with them other than they came from the same 2 people.

It's just crap tbh..I wish I'd been an only child or maybe had one other sibling. Also other big families that I know of are often the same, and don't get on or are estranged from each other.

It was awful. Parents never had time for us all and as teenage needs are less apparent than toddlers my needs were missed. Physically I had everything I needed but emotionally, definitely not!

I don't know if anyone can effectively look after large numbers of kids and meet their emotional needs. "Thriving, not just surviving".

I know I couldn't do it and it's why I didn't want more than one child and really struggled when I got pregnant with baby 2.

I’m not sure if you are misunderstanding my post but I’m not saying all big families are great, I’m saying they can be good and bad.

Obviously not having enough food is a problem and I suppose in any given family (if there financial situation was otherwise unchanged) fewer kids mean more resources for each one.

I'm one of six, my husband is one of nine. We both like coming from big families, and get on well with our siblings. My husband does feel his mother would have had a much easier life with fewer though.

@gotmyselfintoapickle I never stated at any point that one was better than the other. You seem to have misunderstood my point. I merely have pointed out the likelihood of bigger families and I actually think you need to have 1st hand experience to be able to relate.

I’m really not disputing the probabilities of good or bad experiences because I have no basis to draw a conclusion.

Not from a big family myself but DH is one of six and all relationships are very complicated and strained. His parents were not well equipped to have six children though, it was just the done thing in his Irish Catholic culture. We have decided to stick with one

I have one sibling. Never got on and see each other once a year usually.
My kids (large family) are very tight knit. They go on holidays together either altogether or in various combinations. Whenever they are all back at home it's like a big house party with games and laughter. They are always there for one another in difficult times. It doesn't seem like they have any regrets.

I'm one of four and the eldest. I found it ok as kids but struggled with it as we've grown older I think. Two siblings have constant drama and take up my parents time (even though we are all adults now) so us other two tend to get left as we are doing OK and don't need the support in that way. I then feel I don't get chance to spend much time with my parents and I want to spend genuine time with them and not just use them when I've got a problem like the others do. Getting the family together is hard as everyone has their own family now and commitments. I think I've realised we aren't as close as I once thought and not everyone is as interested as you at keeping and wanting a relationship. I guess you just have to accept it and get on with your own life.

Same! There's a common misconception that larger families had more fun times and have stronger bonds. I think it ultimately makes a more resilient child/adult though. Don't dwell on it. You are your own person x

Very similar to this. One of 4. Utter chaos growing up. As adults we’ve gone the other way: two of us are child-free, two are one-and-done.

My grandad was the youngest of ten. I've only just discovered second cousins and descendants (who it turns out were living down the road from me for many years) via Ancestry. I assume they were pretty estranged as even my dad didn't seem to know much about his aunts and uncles.

I’m the youngest of 6 with the others 6-14 years older than me.

i was an Aunt at 7 so in some ways was closer to my nieces and nephews (my sister also had 6 kids) than my siblings.

My parents I think were good at parenting. They fostered several kids both short term and 2 long term.

I’m told my mother was more strict with the eldest 4, and I survived growing up with benign neglect in contrast.

I’m close with my two sisters and one brother. The other two brothers I’m fine with, but we’ve fallen out of touch since our parents died as we tended to gather at parents house rather than visiting each other.

I have no regrets with how I was brought up, but was also perfectly content to only have two children myself.

I have 5 siblings and I wouldn’t change it for the world even though we were very poor growing up. We don’t all always get on but at the end of the day I do love them. Me (youngest) and my brother (second youngest) are the closest and we split childcare ect. But my second oldest brother and I are also pretty close.

The one who I’ve had most conflict with is my sister but I kind of think that’s just sisters?? And sometimes she is straight up just a cow.

My older siblings looked after me a lot, but I wouldn’t say they were “parentified” and neither would they when we have talked about it. They’ve gone on to have their own kids, which from my understanding is not common with people who were parentified as children. I had a hectic childhood but I think it would have been hectic even if it was just two of us to be honest. I don’t feel neglected and I feel like my parents always had time for me, as do my siblings.

All in all I am very lucky. Even after my parents divorced I actually think that ended pretty well. My parents still get on (which is convenient when you have 6 kids together, you’re gonna see one another). The people they both went on to marry were great (even though my dad did date some not so great women before I met my step mum). I didn’t get the most one to one time with my parents, but I always felt seen and heard. We have big age gaps though (mum had my oldest brother at 19 and me at 40 so we are spaced across 20 years, 4 singles and one set of twins.) I think that maybe helps??

I'm 1 of 8.

Age differences span 18 years.

3 different fathers, the 1st one died when the oldest 4 were aged 3 months to 4 years, 2nd (my father) was cut off when the now 6 children were aged 5 to 13 when my mother met her 3rd husband (my stepfather) and then had a further 2 children.

It was like a cult. My mother was/is extremely cold and cruel and as the older 6 of us only had her, there was desperation for crumbs of love (no affection) by treating her as if she was a Queen who was deserved unquestioning respect and reverence. She divided each set of children into golden child (a boy), and scapegoat (a girl). She hated my father the most and I'm a girl so I was chief scapegoat and so singled out for stress relief from having so many children to deal with, with pretty extreme emotional and occasional physical abuse. I was indoctrinated to believe I deserved it and so were my siblings who had a free pass to do to the same to me as well.

I only questioned why she had so many children when she didn't have a maternal bone in her body when I was around 40. I questioned a lot of other things as well and the entire cult completely cut me off as I had 'disrespected' her.

I guess this sort of dysfunction also happens in smaller families but from research I've done, it seems to be more common in larger ones.

Husband is one of six in his family. He’s the youngest. By the time he came along his mum had had enough and was holidaying abroad even during his GCSEs and there’s not a single picture of him as a child. He talks to one other sibling but avoids the other 4 where possible. It just seemed a really dysfunctional childhood.

My DH is one of four and they're all incredibly nice to each other and supportive of one another, even though they're v. different personalities. But one of my closest friends is one of five and they're always clashing!
Everyone has a different experience. I'm an only and I wouldn't recommend that either. 😂

I have 11 siblings it was a circus growing up I hated it 🙁 we never got holidays or days out because it was to dear I'm pretty sure I existed just to be the nanny the rest of the time I was just ignored 🙁 I left when I was 14 because I had enough

I’m one of three, I wish there had been more of us, at least that way I might not be the only one doing all the elderly care. Then again, I might still be and be even more resentful than I am!

I’m one of 5 girls, 8 years between oldest and youngest!! I absolutely loved it. Yes we fought sometimes as all siblings do but were pretty much our own tribe. We only had a 2 bedroom house, we had bunk beds and a single bed in the double room and bunk beds in the single. Perhaps that helped us all get on - we had to! Parents had a sofa bed downstairs. They both came from poor families. We didn’t have much, dad worked a lot and mum was constantly taking us to clubs or helping with homework. Mum was a SAHM until youngest started secondary when she got a job as a teaching assistant. We all did Girl Guides, swimming in primary (free choice in secondary as long as something active) and a music centre where we learnt to play an instrument, did orchestra and learnt music theory. In secondary we did lessons in said instrument at school too. After school it was ferrying someone to a club and helping with homework when needed. Sometimes board games if she had time. She was of course very busy doing that x 5 and whilst we didn’t have much, I felt very loved and like my parents truly wanted what was best for us. We all went on to do well, we valued education.

I love having 4 sisters, and we’re all close now and always there for each other when needed. We all have at least two children. Family get togethers are great, so many cousins and so lively and fun. Close with my parents and come to them with issues too.

I actually remember us all begging for more sisters!! Of course we knew it could be a boy but when there’s 5 girls as a child you just assume it’ll be a sister! My parents said 5 was plenty and be grateful for what we have. 😂

My husband is an only and is definitely ‘not that great’.

What an interesting thread.

I was an only and grew up with only 1 parent. After they passed I was on my own as no aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents to speak of. I now have 2 dc and am separated from ex for 8 years so life is lonely! I feel bad that my dc have never had grandparents, cousins, aunts or anyone except me. Christmas, birthdays, and holidays are lonely affairs. There is also the fear that if something happens to me they would most likely end up in care with no family members to check up on them.

I think it can be a positive experience if the parents are really dedicated. Though I know someone who has 6 kids (now all teens/ early 20s). The mum was obsessed with babies and having a big family even though she suffered from bouts of severe depression and the kids have all been neglected both practically and emotionally for long periods. Their dad did his best but obviously had to work. The oldest two (girls) were parentified at an early age and both dropped out of education to have a baby in late teens. Youngest had SEN needs which weren't picked up until late (by school). I think the parents were just used to muddling along and didn't take enough notice of each child individually.

My husband was one of four (to very young parents) and his experience was that the house was always chaos, parents run ragged and always stressed and shouting, mother became an alcoholic. Parents were quite wealthy but didn't have the time to individually support each child, just threw money at them, and all three siblings "failed to launch". H calls himself the white sheep of the family as he was the only one to get a qualification/permanent job. I've noticed it affected their friendships too. They always had each other to knock around with so didn't make much effort cultivating relationships with others.

I'm sure it can work a lot better if you have the right setup and if the parents (particularly the mother) are really devoted to actively parenting. I only have two and just wouldn't have had the bandwidth to do a good job with more.

Agreed maybe from the 90s.ypungest have been "spoiled".
My mother is in her 70s she was the youngest of 9 and was terrorised and bullied throughout her childhood which probably explains why despite because kind intelligent and beautiful she decided to marry my awful father

I experienced both. Started out me and one sibling. Then my parents split, I ended up with my dad, sibling with my mum (long story). At which point my dad went back to his ex wife (my mum was the OW) and I went from being the oldest of 2 to the youngest of 6.

I really don't get on with my full sibling at all. I don't hate her or anything but we have literally nothing in common, other than sharing parents. She has some personality traits I really don't like. We also suffered a lot when out parents were together, and I've locked it up in my head but she wants to constantly talk about it. I end up feeling so depressed after spending time with her. We don't really speak now.

Of my half siblings, we all get on fine. We're not super close because I moved to the other end of the country at 16, and in those days it was a lot harder to keep in touch. But I do speak to them and like them all fine.

My life was actually much better when my dad got back with his ex. She was more of a mum to me than my real mum and I got to experience living in a "normal" family. I see how my sister ended up being brought up by my mum and it's damaged her a lot.

I'm the eldest of four and had an idyllic childhood growing up on a farm. We all get along but live across the country so don't all get together very often. DH is one of three and they are very close, his family are Catholic so both his parents came from large families and all his cousins have had 3+ children. My SIL is one of 5 sisters and they all get on well, and I know lots of families of 4 or 5 kids where everyone gets on. I'm laughing at the person who says only large families have drama because in my experience the intensity of being an only or one of two is much more likely to result in issues.

My Mum was an only and hated it. She said it felt like she was third wheeling her parents relationship all the time, not helped by the fact that she went to boarding school very young so they were used to not having her around a lot of the time.

I think decent parents who love all their children and provide sufficient quality care bring up children who will get on. If your children don't get on as adults then you are the problem. I think it's a shame that family sizes are decreasing, being part of a loving larger family is very special.

Hi op my friend has 5 kids they all lovely. Im one of 3. Its ok. You dealing with strong personalities too that can be hard. Think most families are not close if they are honest!!