Friend oversharing private stuff about her marriage

[OversharedTo]

I have a female friend who is experiencing some difficulties in her marriage. In short she has been considering leaving her DH because there she no longer finds him attractive. She has told me that her DH has been having some "difficulties" performing in the bedroom. She has also said she finds the thought of having an affair exciting, and has told me about men that she fantasises about. She is in her late 40s with grown-up DCs. I feel as though she is leaning on me too much with her concerns.

While I do sympathise with her plight, but it has been getting to the point where I almost feel like her unpaid therapist. I don't think it's my place to tell her if she should have an affair or not. I also don't particularly want to know about her sex life (or lack of it) with her DH. I think she would be better served talking to a paid therapist or mental health professional about these things. Is there a way for me to let her know I don't want her to lean on me or overshare as much, without completely giving her the brush-off? Or is cutting her off the best option?

“Sally, I care about your happiness but I don’t feel comfortable hearing such intimate details about your marriage. I think you would get much better advice speaking to someone else.”

'Honestly I don't know what to suggest. It's a really difficult situation. How about getting some therapy? I miss chatting in the way we used to. Have you heard from x lately?'

No, no, no! I don’t want to know about your sex life or lack of it. Can we talk about something different?

I love you dearly, Sandra, but I’m not a marriage guidance counselor and I’m struggling to process what you’re telling me. I think you need a professional because your need is beyond my ability to support you.

Do you know her husband at all? If so it’s easy to say that this is a burden to hear . In any case she is likely to look back and be mortified she has told you such private info so find a way to avoid hearing it

Really? Surely this is typical of a female friendship. This is the kind of things we share with our friends. I’m baffled by the responses. Just be there for her

Exactly this. If you can't share with someone you see as a close friend who you can trust, then who can you? Maybe she's chosen the wrong friend to trust. My friend's can tell me anything and I'd be there for them. That's what friend's are for, the good times and the bad.

What kind of a friend are you? She is having a tough time and being completely herself confiding in you stuff she probably can't get off her chest otherwise - that's part and parcel of friendship

if you find it that hard then tell her your boundaries, but I'll be honest, if you did that to me then you wouldn't be my friend anymore. My friends and I all listen to one another without judgement, that's what friends are for.

I personally love when my friends overshare like this, surely that’s what friendship is about? Unless you aren’t all that close.

Really though, my friends giving me every detail of a date gone wrong, a sleepover with a new fling, an argument with their mother in law or their drawn out relationship dramas has me on the edge of my seat more than any movie. Boundaries left the building years ago in my friendship circle.

If you really don’t want to hear about it move the conversation on, or follow PP’s great advice, but I really don’t understand this friendship dynamic.

if it was me id be the good friend and encourage the affair to save the marriage

Same. This is the kind of conversation I would expect to have, although I did draw a line when my best mate kept telling me about sex wth her new man in great detail 🤢

I think these are normal topics in close friendships. You don't sound like a good friend....

@OversharedTo , you're uncomfortable with what she's sharing. Tell her that.

It doesn't matter what other posters share or over share with their friends, the fact is you're feeling dumped on about topics you don't want to discuss with her and you feel like an unpaid therapist. That's your sign to pull back. She's crossing your boundaries.

Friend, I'm uncomfortable talking about your sex difficulties, fantasies, and so on and I think you should consider finding a therapist to talk to about those things.

Whaaat?

people do have affairs, and from reading many mumsnet threads so you can blame the threads for this, i learned affairs are not always clear cut, so my advice would be to encourage the friend to have an affair then consider weather to split up the marriage.

if affairs were 100% bad then every thread on mumsnet would agree , yes ?
however the threads usually when they are about affairs gives a various mixed perspectives on why people should have one.

I’m yet to see a thread that encourages people to cheat and lie.

read this thread :

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/other_subjects/5504852-had-a-six-month-affair-now-relationship-improved-should-i-tell-partner

I’d say ‘sally, you must know I would never ever recommend anyone cheat on their partner. If you want to end the marriage, that’s your call, but I won’t be supporting cheating so perhaps you’d better stop sharing all this with me.’

I wouldn’t really mind that though I appreciate the single track convo can get very boring if nothing ever changes as a result of your chats. What I do mind is direct questions like does your DH do this? Does your DH do that? How often do the two of you have sex? Like, intensely personal questions about your relationship that you’re expected to just divulge details of as if you were still in your 20s.

It's not difficult if you're really mates to say "oooh, tmi, Sally!" and laugh it off into another direction if it's getting too close to the bone for you.

Would you be happy for your husband to share details of your sex life with his friends and tell you "this is the kind of things we share with our friends"? Thought not.

I'm all for talking about sex and sexuality in general terms with my friends (both men and women) but I draw the line at specific details with their partners, who are very often my friends or at least people I have to look in the eye and converse with. I have no desire to talk to a friend's husband and involuntarily think about what she told me about his penis. And it's not fair to him either.

I still find it awkward that I know what one of my male friends is like in bed because his then-girlfriend (now ex) decided to tell me all the gory details out of nowhere and I couldn't stop her in time.

Id encourage him too - its healthy. I know he does cos he tells me. I think its normal and very healthy in close friendships. The ONLY incident I draw the line a bit is my bestie is also my SIL. She sometimes forgets hes my brother and goes into great detail and I have to stick my fingers in my ears. But also im a grown up and know my brother has sex. They recently went through a terrible patch where he lost his libido (antidepressant meds), then they got back on track and she went through meno and lost hers. She microdosed testerone and became like a rampant teenage boy and he was so flustered. It was pretty funny. But we are a very open family and friendship group, which I love. Wouldn't be for everyone and thats fine.

Really you want your friends to tell you they are thinking of having an affair?

I have no issues with people discussing private things but when they start to bring in that they may cheat on their partner and drag me in to the drama (especially if I know others involved) I want to be kept well away from that.

So you think it’s bad of her to overshare discreetly with her best mate but here you are telling the whole internet about your friend’s bloke’s ED?! The mind boggles.

Would you want to be told your friend is thinking of having an affair? How about when they do? Do you want to be dragged in to the drama of someone's affair?

Some stuff being shared is ok but when you are dragging people in to drama you aren't looking for support you are looking fir validation of bad decisions.