Would you stay with a kind but emotionally immature partner?

[Prinnypeach]

If you was with an emotional immature man who you had to teach how to deal with situations and how to react to things, but they were really nice, kind, patient, and had a heart of gold, would you walk away?

friends and family have said if I walk I might never meet anyone else and there’s lots of A holes in the world. A few close friends have said niceness doesnt excuse emotional immaturity at the ripe old age of 34 and that I should let it go and move on, better to be alone than teaching someone things when I already have a LO to bring up. It’s been nearly 2 years and still having to teach how to deal with difficult conversations and how to handle minor disagreements.

im torn. What would the consensus be for most people, with the way of the dating world (and world in general) would you stay or call it?

Leave him.

not being able to handle disagreements or conflicts is the key predictor of relationship failure.

doesn’t matter why. This relationship won’t work out.

What?! If the pool is that poor then just be single, surely. Rather than being shackled to a manchild. Listen to some Neneh Cherry and then get the guts to go!

@AttilaTheMeerkat previous relationship history is that there isn’t any, he has been single all his life. Hence I have given more grace and patience as I understand there is a learning element to this.

He’s had plenty of time to learn but he’s learnt how to stonewall and or give to silent treatment instead. Giving him grace and patience is NOT the way to go here. He’s further testing your boundaries to see how much you will tolerate. And you’ve already tolerated an awful lot.

This on its own would be a huge red flag to me.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Yes that makes a lot of sense, thank you

I'm not trying to be crude here but - do you actually want to have sex with a man you need to teach and consider immature? Even if you can look past it now at some point this is going to give you the biggest ick, and if that happens after you're in too deep and too tied to him you will end up in a complicated, difficult situation.

It would seem like there is some kind of autism there, but then in not sure because he seems to be able to reason rationally

Do you think there could some autistic traits and mannerisms ?

@TheRealMagic sorry I know it shouldn’t but that did make me chuckle. I do see your point, I suppose it has started wearing thin already.

PP is right I do likely fear that I may not find anyone else, but by no means do I feel this is last chance saloon for me.

Your partner needs to help himself. You can't fix his issues. He needs to see a therapist, to work through why he's this way, and to find solutions. It's not your job or responsibility to fix him. He should want to seek proper help, if he thinks anything of you at all, and values your relationship.

Could your partner be somewhere on the spectrum? If so, he could be incapable of what you want. Shutting down is the only way he knows of not escalating the argument….in the same vein - less said soonest mended. I understand where he is coming from and I also, through your posts understand your frustration when these incidents arise.

You say, however he has many redeeming qualities, qualities that are important in a relationship. No relationship is perfect, I suggest it’s up to you to balance what you have, against what you’d like. Some counseling, could be advantageous, your choice of course.

I was kinda being tongue in cheek but I dont think this came across!

Either way, most men I've encountered post divorce have really not been good, but also, there are far worse things in life than being single.

Hope it works out.

@Onthemaintrunkline I don’t believe him to be no, my close friends who have met him and spent time with him have said that they feel he is just on the clueless side and they feel he is socially inept, however I haven’t myself ever noticed autistic traits.

See thats what I thought, autistic traits. Men can mask and can shut down and behave in a more typical female way as it was always thought.

Thank you for your reply, it’s so difficult to gauge, but a degree of adult immaturity is also connected to a social immaturity. I assume he is unaware of social gaffes, if he genuinely is then some counseling as suggested in my earlier post could well be beneficial, but and I say this cautiously he may simply be unable to deliver what you need.

@Onthemaintrunkline yes this is correct for example we have been to many social events where he has failed to introduce me to people and ignored me throughout the night.

If it didn’t bother you, you wouldn’t be posting, so quit while you ahead. Do you want to spend your whole life having to manage his conversations, moods and emotions. You sound like you’re fed of doing this.

@Silverbirchleaf yes you are likely right, I have struggled recently and found it somewhat tiresome. I have noticed myself reacting badly to situations also as I just feel deflated.

Is there a possibility your partner becomes overloaded in social situations? For an example, he’s in a different setting, he’s amongst people he maybe knows and others he doesn’t, his brain is coping with more than usual, ie conversation, alcohol, trying to mimic what he understands/feels as social behavior trying his utmost to be like those around him, that in itself could be exhausting.

Have you talked to him about his not introducing you to a group he was part of? These normal expectations can slip below the radar in someone so intent on fitting in. I’m not excusing this behaviour, I’m simply saying many points, (and there are many many points) of social etiquette, taken unconsciously on board by most, that haven’t been taught to yr partner before now, and these lapses or gaps become evident the longer the relationship lasts.

If it is a matter of gentle coaching, no NOT mothering, and if he is open to this, and you come to a point of understanding, then if the positives outweigh the negatives the choice is yours. No relationship is perfect, it comes down to what you can live with. I wish you both well.

Yeah, if you don’t have emotional intelligence and maturity you can’t really be kind. Escalating arguments or giving you the silent treatment (shutting down) are not kindness nor patience.

I think it’s time for b you to let this one go. He may be lovely etc, but you need someone who is equal to you

Ignoring you at social events is disrespectful and, as Attila said, the silent treatment and stonewalling are abusive behaviours.

People always suggest autism etc but even if he is, it doesn't exclude the possibility that he's also abusive or an arsehole. Nor does it magically mean those behaviours aren't damaging.

You can put things down to inexperience or ineptness or autism or whatever, but do you really want to try to train a full grown man to treat you right?

Thanks all for your replies. Reading the responses has made me realise I need to stop concerning myself about the kindness aspect and fearing I’ll be alone forever. I recently raised discussions about the future and where we see the relationship going to ensure our goals were aligned, and he did shut down and it ended in an argument which was upsetting. On that basis I think it’s clear this isn’t going much further.

I had a highly abusive childhood. My dad would end all arguments with threats of violence. So I learned to be quiet. I'm in my 40's and I still find it hard to get past that mental block. There was a lot more than just threats though. But I wont go into that.
With people other than close friends or my wife I can absolutly argue. My wife makes me do all the hard school teacher talks. I also work in live music and deal with big egos and it is my way or there isnt a show.
My point is. There may be more to his inability to argue. I didnt know where mine came from until several years back when it all just broke free.
Therapy helped some. As did my wife but that mental block is still hard to get past at times.
Look at your partner as a whole. Not just focus on the parts you would rather improve.
For me. I've turned my past experiences into something positive. I find myself choosing words more carefully. I have brought up both our kids in the polar opposite maner I was brought up. They can both argue and have disagreements and handle such things well. They will never know what it feels like to be threatened at home or to feel like home is anything other than a safe place for them to be exactly who they want to be.
Nobody is 100% perfect.