Would you stay with a kind but emotionally immature partner?

[Prinnypeach]

If you was with an emotional immature man who you had to teach how to deal with situations and how to react to things, but they were really nice, kind, patient, and had a heart of gold, would you walk away?

friends and family have said if I walk I might never meet anyone else and there’s lots of A holes in the world. A few close friends have said niceness doesnt excuse emotional immaturity at the ripe old age of 34 and that I should let it go and move on, better to be alone than teaching someone things when I already have a LO to bring up. It’s been nearly 2 years and still having to teach how to deal with difficult conversations and how to handle minor disagreements.

im torn. What would the consensus be for most people, with the way of the dating world (and world in general) would you stay or call it?

Depends what this teaching involves. That in itself implies a power imbalance.

gosh no, and here is why I say that.

His growing is his own, and having someone "guide them in the right direction is going to take away his own aha moments, his own growing into being himself.
For you to think that you should be, or out to point things out to him if you feel he has not caught up, not sharp enough, or slow to the bait, is arrogant.

Let him go, for his own sake, and find someone who is on parr with you.

The imbalance in this relationship, or power dynamic will in the end only end badly.

To me it really depends why you are having to reach him these things and how that impacts the relationship. I have been with my DH over 10 years and often support him with social situations at work as he is autistic he doesn't always interpret things how I think it was probably meant and it can be challenging for him to navigate when he just can't see it. In turn, he supports me with situations I feel anxious in and understands how to calm me and reframe things.
If it's more a case of general inability to interact at the same level you do then I'd say that's a fundamental incompatibity and probably wouldn't stay with someone I felt that level of responsibility over.

In answer to your question in your post, do not stay with an emotionally immature man. You need a partner not a project. You can do better than he.

Your family and friends are not being helpful in suggesting that there are a lot of arseholes in the world and that you may not meet anyone else. He’s not your last chance saloon y’know.

To be clear, I don’t think I’m better than him and I don’t meant it in an arragont way. It’s more for example the handling of a situation can escalate into an argument as he doesn’t know how to handle the conversations and he has openly said he shuts down and avoids difficult conversations and always thinks the worst by saying I’ll leave etc. I feel at this age we should be able to communicate and discuss calmly and openly when things go wrong, shutting down creates further escalation and the disagreement becomes a bigger problem than it started. This is in no way me being arrogant or thinking I’m better than he, I just feel the reactions and dealings can be immature.

You need a partner not a project. I would not stay with such a man.

OP I think I get where you are coming form.

You clearly love your DP, however he needs to work on these communications skills, either via therapy or self learning. Lots of resources online for these types of things. If he is walking out on you to avoid his own shortcomings, or telling you that these are the reasons he is, for me its a red flag, not on you but him.

There is one thing telling you he doesn't know how, and another knowing how but choosing to control the narrative of normal relationship situations. Would you be able to pick up on those because a lot of individuals would not be able to pic out red flags most of the time as they are disguised as love. And as you say, he is lovely. But sounds more to me that he knows how but chooses to go down this route for some reason. And no matter of your kind suggestions and guidence will ever change anyone. You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make them drink it is very fitting here.

Someone I know chased down a man like this and married him. He can’t do fuck all. It’s like she’s dragging a giant toddler round with her.

No way this isn’t a healthy relationship. You can’t fix him. He may never grasp this it may not be emotional immaturity but something much deeper

The problem is that you’ll probably eventually feel like his mum rather than partner which will lead to resentment. If you want kids then you could end up with your kids having to do the same and manage their da/ emotions which is fucked up.

In the long term you need someone who you can rely on when you need him because sometimes you won’t be able to tell or guide him into doing the right thing.

I used to think just that about my stbx. I thought he could learn to be mature and with enough love and empathy he would change. I tried tirelessly hoping things would be different but alas 20yrs on I finally see there’s a lot more beneath the surface. Possible autism and highly likely vulnerable narcissism (victim/martyr - never his fault). It’s taken me 20yrs to realise and now I’m planning a divorce after extensive therapy and realising I deserve better. I still have a little guilt, because he acts all kind, caring and vulnerable, but I can’t live like this anymore.

Seriously take a long hard look at what’s really going on in your relationship. All the best.

You aren’t teaching him shit. If he doesn’t acknowledge the issues then he’s unlikely to change. Don’t stay for the hypothetical more capable version him. Kindness doesn’t look so kind when you are parenting an adult, at some point it won’t make up for the frustration.

men like him manage to be emotionally mature when it’s another woman. Im sorry to be blunt but that’s what happens. You put your time and energy into trying with this kind of man t then someone else comes along, he falls head over heels and manages to do ALL the things by himself you have been trying to get to do with you …but he does it with her …don’t waste your time and heart

Are you worried about dating in your 30s and "hanging onto" this guy because he ticks boxes on paper, and everyone says all the good men get snapped up?

Seriously this is how many women get stuck in horrible situations.

• They overlook weird emotional skills as the guy is a professional with a good job and on the property ladder... Doesn't cheat, works, they like saying their partner is a Dr or engineer or lecturer.

• They're lovely at times but completely tone deaf or immature at times. You can't separate these out... The immaturity is who they are.

• It's bearable but annoying until life starts throwing curveballs... an ND child (very common if he has undiagnosed traits), or you stop being the "perfect caring one" and need help yourself...

• In modern life your partner has a disproportionate impact on your well-being.

Unless you live in a big family collective environment or are both workaholics so "ships passing in the night" this man will have a huge impact on your own mental health.

Not to mention children if you're planning them.

There's lots of men with good social skills. I'd say to date younger if you need to if you're in your 30s.

Stay.

He doesnt have the emotional tools to deal with arguments.
It means you will have to do it for him as well.

He panics when you both argue as he doesnt know how to make things right again.

No. I tolerated men like this when I was younger and had low self respect. I wouldn't put myself through that again.

I’ll never forget years ago at toddler group overhearing a conversation between two new mums about their partners and it stopped me in my tracks… “it’s just like having another kid isn’t it?”

God, my heart sank. Do women really choose men like this, and want a family with them? Useless? dependent? Gormless numpties? I couldn’t think of anything less attractive.

Marriage and raising a family is a serious thing and requires grown ups working in partnership.

Thanks for your comments all, appreciate the time and responses. Lots of food for thought.

No I wouldn’t . My mother is emotionally immature and she has been a nightmare her whole life . She cannot cope with anything she perceives as being
‘against ‘ her . The screaming abdabs start when she doesn’t get her own way , she constantly misconstrues what people say . It’s exhausting. She’s been married many times and has not a single friend because of her behaviour.

I'm wondering what his "emotional immaturity" looks like in practice.

Shutting down? Is that the silent treatment and stonewalling?

Escalation of arguments? What does that look like from him?

@category12 yes, it’s stonewalling/silent treatment but I don’t believe it comes from a bad place, it’s more an inability to communicate and deal with the situation in hand. For example I recently expressed that I felt a bit upset by a situation that happened and he went silent and just shut down and has admitted he pushes me away as he’s not sure how to handle things. I know he has explained previously that growing up no one in the family expressed feelings or communicated, so there’s that.

in terms of escalation of arguments, it’s in the sense that once he goes silent, might say things like shall I leave, or is it easier if I just go which for me is quite an immature reaction and does spark a reaction from me. There’s little compromise also.

perhaps I am just thinking it’s worse than it is as he is very sweet in general. Perhaps like PP said it’s unfair of me to expect more from someone who might not be able to give it and perhaps is easier to love and leave than it is to stay and try to help.

He actually might be! Have you tried dating men recently?!

Can we have some examples OP? That would be helpful?

@researchers3 i don’t quite believe he is my last chance saloon but thanks for the response.

Stonewalling and or silent treatment towards you are big red flags and you minimise those at your emotional peril. They are examples of emotional abuse. This is who he is and he’s not going to change for you or anyone else.

What do you know if anything of his previous relationship history?.

You cannot act as a rescuer or saviour in a relationship. Neither approach works.