Help me unpack this situation with DD and figure out what to do

[TwilightMode]

DD, 15, and I are really close. I was a lone parent until quite recently, we moved in with my partner three years ago (she had known him since she was seven so it wasn't a huge upheaval). She gets on fine with DP but understandably wants special time with me, which I completely understand and always try to build in so we will do a couple of things a week just me and her without DP.

She can be a bit clingy with me, though, and sometimes I think this can shade over into being a bit controlling. She's only recently been OK with me going out in the evenings for example (she's fine to stay with DP but isn't massively comfortable if we both go out together). She had babysitters until fairly late (about 13) and it's only fairly recently that she's been OK with being left in the house on her own, I've weaned her into being OK with it as she needed to deal with it and she's now fine. But I know she doesn't like me going out in the evening more than once a week. Generally that's fine by me as I am too exhausted.

This weekend we have got offered last minute tickets to a local concert which I'd really like to go to. DD is requesting that I don't go, partly because she's going away on a school trip next week and also because she says I've already been out this week. It's very close and we could be home in under 30 minutes if there was a crisis. We'd be out from late afternoon until 11-12pm. We've asked her if she wants to come and she's said no.

I'm really torn on this. I sort of feel that it's not her place to police how often I go out and she needs to learn that I have my own life, so tempted to put my foot down. On the other hand I also feel I have to respect her feelings and wanting to spend a last weekend evening with me before going away and don't want to make her feel I abandoned her.

Do I overrule her and just go? Or do I stay in with her and let DP go alone. Under normal circumstances I'd be tempted to just go and use it as a resilience building experience, but she's going away with school for a few days and the idea of her being alone in the house for five plus hours without me does unsettle me a bit. Maybe I need to woman up but finding it hard to gauge.

I am firmly on your daughters side.

Could she have a friend over and you order pizza etc, make it a treat for her with a friend?

You can't let a 15 year old tell you that you can't go to a concert, that's absolute madness. I don't even understand why a conversation around this needs to happen to begin with.

You are doing her no favours by enabling this behaviour.

to. DD is requesting that I don't go, partly because she's going away on a school trip next week and also because she says I've already been out this week. It's very close and we could be home in under 30 minutes if there was a crisis. We'd be out from late afternoon until 11-12pm. We've asked her if she wants to come and she's said no
so she’s upset and you can’t go out and leave her … but she will be ok doing something for herself for a week?

Tell of course you won’t go as she wants you with her, so you’ve of course got a refund for the school trip as she wouldn’t want to be away that long…

Either a friend round for pizza film night or pay an older teenager to keep her company for the evening

5 hours is a long time to be on your own if you’re not used to it but equally you can go out

She's being a bit bratty. I would go and enjoy the concert and make sure you do something nice with her at another time over the weekend.

You need to go,
she’s 15 -
you are allowed out one a week only ?? That’s not appropriate

Omg, I would just say im off out for th night. There is food in the fridge. Call me only if there is an emergency.

Unless she’s ND, she needs to build resilience and you need to help her. Cowtowing to this emotional blackmail will do her no favours in the real world…

She’s not an adult.

Children and teens can and do act in ways that wouldn’t be accepted in adults because they are still young and are learning and growing.

I suspect the fact that you would be leaving her on her own for a substantial period of time and the school trip is soon are playing into her anxieties.

13 is very old to still be having a babysitter and I think that may have contributed to her clear lack of social confidence.

is she worried about the school trip? Is she likely to want help or a parent around while she packs?

She’s trying it on. Explain you wouldn’t try that nonsense with her and offer her a treat for when you’re out.

I feel like you even considering not going is why she’s like this in the first place.

She’s 15, not 5.

As a teenager my parents went out 3-4 times a week and it really played on my mind that they didn’t want to spend time with me. I think if you don’t go out that often you should go but suggest something for her to do such as a friend around. You’ve given her the option to come and therefore she can spend time with you, she’s deciding not to take that opportunity.

WHAT? Why?

Her clinginess, immaturity and abhorrence for social events might indicate autism. That’s probably why your gut is telling you she needs you even though chronologically at 15 most girls her age would be thrilled to have their mum out for an evening and be plotting a sleep over.

Hell no would my fifteen year old be emotionally manipulating me into what I can and can’t do.

Exactly what @ALovelyPinkUnicornsaid - ok fine but you’re obviously too immature to go away for a week so we can ALL stay home for the duration….

If I was feeling gracious after this I’d offer to buy a takeaway for her and a friend to stay home together but you need to nip this controlling crap in the bud now before she’s 25 and telling you what you can/can’t wear and having too much of a say on your social life. Ridiculous.

As a mum of 2x AuDHD girls - please, not everything is autism. Nothing from her post indicates autism.

I would tell her that if you're only allowed out once a week so is she. See if that changes her mind!

Similar situation having been single parent and never moved a man in but was in a relationship and child of same/similar age divulged they felt a bit neglected in ways. Its not always about mum having fun, sometimes we need to think this is the ONLY childhood our kids are going to have and to be with them as much as they need us. If the child is not comfortable with this then it is the adults job to make this more comfortable and if staying home and parenting instead of going out now when in a few years this stage of their life will be done is the way to go then I am all for it. My kids always come first. Youngest is 16. I will have my life again when they are of legal adult age and do what I want then but until then I will nurture them in the way I think is best and that is genuinely to wait a year or so and make sure they are happy in themselves.

Of course you should go. She doesn't want to go and that's fine but it's no reason for you to stay a home.

I disagree and you can see the specific clues that indicate it might be something OP should consider looking into.

I am autistic myself with two autistic DC as well and numerous other family members who are autistic.

@Rondayvu I mean, good for you and whatever works for you and I’m fortunate enough to not be a single parent but I won’t be dictated to by my kids regardless.

There does come a point where this extreme pandering and never saying “no” created this entire generation of kids with no resilience or respect.

This isn’t a new relationship at all from the sounds of it. Just sounds like she hit fifteen and is a bag or hormones and can’t bear idea of her mum having fun/sex/life/a relationship because everything is “cringe”.

@TwilightMode I'll be honest, this does seem strange to me. This is particularly odd: she says I've already been out this week – I am not sure why she gets to police thisand tell you how often you may go out.

Could ND be at play here? I agree that 13yo is very old to be wanting a babysitter (even if not called that). Is she generally anxious? How is she feeling about the school trip – can you talk that through a bit? (My DD is ND and gets very anxious about things changing; we also do a lot of things together (she is older than your DD) but she also does things with others, as do I.)
ETA: I agree that not everything indicates ND – but this DD made me think of my own. A bit. Tho she never told me not to go out.

What about school – is she happy? does she get there under her own steam and organise herself – packed lunch, homework, meeting up with friends?

I think you need to tell her that you are going to this event with DP and if there's anything she would like for the evening (pizza delivery? film she likes bought on Amazon prime?) then you will arrange it.

And going forward I think you need to develop her independence as it will become more and more evident that she is not doing what others do (if that is in fact the case).

She is 15...not 5!