Help me unpack this situation with DD and figure out what to do

[TwilightMode]

DD, 15, and I are really close. I was a lone parent until quite recently, we moved in with my partner three years ago (she had known him since she was seven so it wasn't a huge upheaval). She gets on fine with DP but understandably wants special time with me, which I completely understand and always try to build in so we will do a couple of things a week just me and her without DP.

She can be a bit clingy with me, though, and sometimes I think this can shade over into being a bit controlling. She's only recently been OK with me going out in the evenings for example (she's fine to stay with DP but isn't massively comfortable if we both go out together). She had babysitters until fairly late (about 13) and it's only fairly recently that she's been OK with being left in the house on her own, I've weaned her into being OK with it as she needed to deal with it and she's now fine. But I know she doesn't like me going out in the evening more than once a week. Generally that's fine by me as I am too exhausted.

This weekend we have got offered last minute tickets to a local concert which I'd really like to go to. DD is requesting that I don't go, partly because she's going away on a school trip next week and also because she says I've already been out this week. It's very close and we could be home in under 30 minutes if there was a crisis. We'd be out from late afternoon until 11-12pm. We've asked her if she wants to come and she's said no.

I'm really torn on this. I sort of feel that it's not her place to police how often I go out and she needs to learn that I have my own life, so tempted to put my foot down. On the other hand I also feel I have to respect her feelings and wanting to spend a last weekend evening with me before going away and don't want to make her feel I abandoned her.

Do I overrule her and just go? Or do I stay in with her and let DP go alone. Under normal circumstances I'd be tempted to just go and use it as a resilience building experience, but she's going away with school for a few days and the idea of her being alone in the house for five plus hours without me does unsettle me a bit. Maybe I need to woman up but finding it hard to gauge.

I had 14 year old babysitters
i can’t understand not leaving a 15 year old alone

What would bother me is her saying you've been out once this week and therefore shouldn't go again. That is controlling, and it's also an imaginary rule she made up and you never agreed to. It also suggests that her being afraid or unhappy to be alone in the house that late or for so long - which I would completely understand - isn't the main factor, since (1) you've invited her and she's declined and (2) she would be fine if you hadn't already been out another night. This isn't about her, it's about you.

I'd go. If she can stay with a friend or have someone over that would be good, if she wants, but may be late to arrange. If the concert is the night before she leaves for the trip, definitely make sure she's thought through in advance what help she may need form you so you can take care of it before you go.

How would she react if you told her to cancel her plans to see a friend and stay home with you?

Yes, this. I babysat at that age, and my children also babysat from about 14. Obviously at that age you wouldn’t leave them without adult back up nearby, but @TwilightMode has said they’d be 30 minutes away if there was a real problem.

I agree that it sounds controlling for the reasons PP have given.

Yeah not a great example if I’m honest……

Thanks all. Really good to get this perspective. I’m still mulling this over but interesting to hear most of you veer towards she needs to learn to be more independent.

I'd tell her that you are going, that her choices are that she comes with you or stays at home. I'd offer to arrange a babysitter if she really can't manage an evening at home alone. If she really wants to spend time with you, she can do it at the concert. If she refuses, then it sounds as if she is too used to getting her own way. Why should it be you having to make all the compromises? If her fear of staying home alone trumps her preference not to go to this particular event, then that's up to her. She can put up with being bored if it's not her thing.

As for her going away on a school trip, I'm pretty sure that the school trip isn't the very next day ( or you would have said so) and also that the school trip won't be for more than 5 days ( they very rarely are). You going out on the Saturday night when the trip is on Monday is neither here nor there. Maybe she'd like you on hand on the Sunday evening to check last minute packing or to have family time, but it's ridiculous to expect you to miss your event 2 days before she leaves.
Is the trip something she wanted to do, or has she had to be pushed into doing it?

It is not up to your daughter how many times you go out - it is up to you and she needs to understand this.
15 is old enough to be babysitting for other children - and certainly old enough to fend for themselves for a few hours. This is an opportunity to build some resilience- which is probably the most useful life skill of them all.
Let her have a friend round if you like - but definitely go to the concert!

Good grief, she is too young to be controlling. Let’s not use the language of domestic violence about a 15yr old girl who likely can’t comprehend that her mum would rather go out and be social instead of staying home with her.

If she is autistic, that would explain the lack of independence and maturity as an autistic child is often 2-3yrs delayed developmentally. She is reacting more like 12yr old being left alone in the house at night than a 15yr old imho.

She’s 15 not 5. Get her to have a friend over and order pizza in. I was babysitting at her age.

Does she go out with her friends? Where’s her bio dad in all this? A conversation about you both going out and leading separate lives would be a good idea. You can go out with her yourself eg once a month or have a night watching Netflix with snacks.

she is manipulating you. she wouldn't be going in a school trip for a week if she needed you that much.

go and have fun

Let her have a friend over and plan to do something special with her on the Sunday before she goes on the school trip.

An adults job is to build resilience in their child and it’s entirely age appropriate to leave a 15 year old at home. What is not appropriate is doing everyone for your child so that they never have to do anything they don’t want to do and expect their parents to pander to them

Idk, I'm torn. What is actually preventing her from wanting to be at home? Is she frightened? Anxious?

I was an ND teen and my parents went out every Saturday night and I hated it. Not because I missed them as such, but I truly hated being alone in the house. I did (and still do) have OCD, so very much struggled with all the noises/intrusive thoughts someone was going to break in and harm me. I used to have to open all the cupboards every 30 mins and I sat with a knife. Sounds absolutely mad now, but I was honestly a bag of nerves!! I really wasn't a worldly teen. I had a few close friends, was obsessed with Sarah Brightman (lol) and fantasy novels and played with TY beanies until I was 12!

Everyone is different and just because as adults we assume a teenager should be okay staying at home for several hours, it doesn't mean they will be. It can depend on the personality and confidence of the teenager. You are still only 15.

OP, could you chat to your teen. Why exactly is it she doesn't want you going? Is she anxious? Is she clingy to you as you're a single parent and unconsciously feels she will be abandoned if you go out more? She obviously needs to develop her independence, but I do wonder if the underlying fear is that as you socialise more, she will become less important to you. It sounds like she only had you for a long time, and she might just be finding that separation hard. Chat to her and treat her with a bit of empathy.

The easiest solution would be let her have a sleepover with a mate! You can still build resilience by talking openly with her and empathising. It doesn't mean doing everything she wants you to do.

Manipulating then, if you prefer. Or maybe the old fashioned term "spolit" would be better?
Either way, my point is the same.

5 hours is not a long time to be on your own, and if she's not used to it she needs to get used to it, otherwise it'll never end.

Missed the typo and can no longer edit: that should read SPOILT obviously.

Lots of people have suggested she has a friend over, which is the obvious solution. Does she not have any friends, OP?

At 15 this conversation should not be happening. She is controlling and cannot dictate how many times you go out in a week. Suspect this is jealousy over dp - would she object to going out if you went with her?

now is the time to start managing expectations and both learn to let go a little bit. It will do you both a favour.

My DS would have jumped at this chance to have some alone time at 15.

@TwilightMode she needs to know you’re going out regardless and she can have a friend over if she likes, or she can go spend some time with a friend of hers, but she’s trying to manipulate you and that’s not on.

She’s 15. She needs to grow up.

15 is a hard age. I think I'd be investigating further on exactly why she doesn't want you to go? Is she lonely? Anxious? Not like being in the house alone? Does she worry something might happen to you while you're out? Does she feel she's missing out ?
It sounds like you two are very close so maybe op you're her best friend/her whole world (does she have close friends?)

Whilst she's on her way to becoming an adult she's not there yet if you provide her comfort and safety ofcourse it's going to feel different you going out more. It doesn't mean you don't go out but maybe you have check in times and hold her hand a little/provide a different focus like a sleeopver etc untill she is more used to it. Finding out the real reasons behind it all would massively help to what support she needs.