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Original poster

Help me unpack this situation with DD and figure out what to do

73 replies

TwilightMode · 03/07/2026 20:33

DD, 15, and I are really close. I was a lone parent until quite recently, we moved in with my partner three years ago (she had known him since she was seven so it wasn't a huge upheaval). She gets on fine with DP but understandably wants special time with me, which I completely understand and always try to build in so we will do a couple of things a week just me and her without DP.

She can be a bit clingy with me, though, and sometimes I think this can shade over into being a bit controlling. She's only recently been OK with me going out in the evenings for example (she's fine to stay with DP but isn't massively comfortable if we both go out together). She had babysitters until fairly late (about 13) and it's only fairly recently that she's been OK with being left in the house on her own, I've weaned her into being OK with it as she needed to deal with it and she's now fine. But I know she doesn't like me going out in the evening more than once a week. Generally that's fine by me as I am too exhausted.

This weekend we have got offered last minute tickets to a local concert which I'd really like to go to. DD is requesting that I don't go, partly because she's going away on a school trip next week and also because she says I've already been out this week. It's very close and we could be home in under 30 minutes if there was a crisis. We'd be out from late afternoon until 11-12pm. We've asked her if she wants to come and she's said no.

I'm really torn on this. I sort of feel that it's not her place to police how often I go out and she needs to learn that I have my own life, so tempted to put my foot down. On the other hand I also feel I have to respect her feelings and wanting to spend a last weekend evening with me before going away and don't want to make her feel I abandoned her.

Do I overrule her and just go? Or do I stay in with her and let DP go alone. Under normal circumstances I'd be tempted to just go and use it as a resilience building experience, but she's going away with school for a few days and the idea of her being alone in the house for five plus hours without me does unsettle me a bit. Maybe I need to woman up but finding it hard to gauge.

OP posts:
DoubleShotEspressox · 03/07/2026 21:09

@NullaEffugium We can agree to disagree. She sounds like a babied 15 year old. Not a neurodivergent teen.

Rondayvu · 03/07/2026 21:09

15 year olds need their parents.

crazytiredrn · 03/07/2026 21:09

You’ve said that she’s ok being left with your DP but doesn’t like it when you both go out together so it sounds as if there’s anxiety about her being alone until late at night. I think that’s understandable - could she stay with a friend or relative or have someone over? I wouldn’t have left mine unless they were ok with it.

PizzaPowder · 03/07/2026 21:09

Rondayvu · 03/07/2026 21:02

Similar situation having been single parent and never moved a man in but was in a relationship and child of same/similar age divulged they felt a bit neglected in ways. Its not always about mum having fun, sometimes we need to think this is the ONLY childhood our kids are going to have and to be with them as much as they need us. If the child is not comfortable with this then it is the adults job to make this more comfortable and if staying home and parenting instead of going out now when in a few years this stage of their life will be done is the way to go then I am all for it. My kids always come first. Youngest is 16. I will have my life again when they are of legal adult age and do what I want then but until then I will nurture them in the way I think is best and that is genuinely to wait a year or so and make sure they are happy in themselves.

Show quote history

My dad was a single parent and by the time I was 15 he was out galavanting most weekends. We (my friends and I) loved it and still talk about it to this day.

i had so much freedom and never once felt neglected as we also did so much together.

Thundertoast · 03/07/2026 21:10

NullaEffugium · 03/07/2026 20:58

Her clinginess, immaturity and abhorrence for social events might indicate autism. That’s probably why your gut is telling you she needs you even though chronologically at 15 most girls her age would be thrilled to have their mum out for an evening and be plotting a sleep over.

I read it as a sign of someone whose maybe just not very outgoing and hasnt had a lot of experience of having to go outside their comfort zone and therefore tries to put the brakes on.
OPs gut could just be a normal response to their child being potentially upset because as a parent you want your child to be happy and thinking of your child alone might trigger of an emotional response.

Chipsahoy · 03/07/2026 21:11

I wouldn’t leave my 15 yr old son until that late at night. He would hate it. Your daughter is uncomfortable about being alone, that’s ok. Don’t need to force her before she’s ready.

OutOfApricots · 03/07/2026 21:14

Gordon Bennett, why do people always have to crowbar autism into every thread and diagnose total strangers with it?

Rondayvu · 03/07/2026 21:17

@OutOfApricots because they do not understand autism.

NullaEffugium · 03/07/2026 21:22

DoubleShotEspressox · 03/07/2026 21:09

@NullaEffugium We can agree to disagree. She sounds like a babied 15 year old. Not a neurodivergent teen.

Both can be true. After all, if a child is babied then there is usually a good reason for that. It doesn’t just happen.

NullaEffugium · 03/07/2026 21:23

Thundertoast · 03/07/2026 21:10

I read it as a sign of someone whose maybe just not very outgoing and hasnt had a lot of experience of having to go outside their comfort zone and therefore tries to put the brakes on.
OPs gut could just be a normal response to their child being potentially upset because as a parent you want your child to be happy and thinking of your child alone might trigger of an emotional response.

Show quote history

Yes it could be, but again worth looking into imho.
I say this as someone diagnosed late in life knowing that it is usually girls who go undiagnosed until adulthood.

CypressGrove · 03/07/2026 21:24

My single parent mum used to go out a lot when I was 15. It was great, I had a friend nearby who had similar so we'd go out and drink and then we stumbled across a group of guys who lived nearby and we hang out at their place and smoke dope.

clary · 03/07/2026 21:29

OutOfApricots · 03/07/2026 21:14

Gordon Bennett, why do people always have to crowbar autism into every thread and diagnose total strangers with it?

I mentioned ND. But I never diagnosed anyone – I just suggested ND as a possibility. OP may have explored it with her DD and knows it's not the case. No worries if so. And I do know a bit about ND – two of my DC are ND and so are a number of friends and other people's DC. I know enough to know there is a huge variety of presentations. Social anxiety is the form it takes for my DD and it became more evident in her teen years (not unusual in girls).

Anyway if the OP's DD is not ND then all the more reason to start to take a strong line. I am absolutely there for my DC and always will be (and they are all in their 20s; but they know they can ask me to do all kinds of things to help and I will if I can) but that doesn't mean I have to abandon everything I might want to do. As they got older (and by that I mean, as they reached secondary age and beyond), more and more I began to have my stuff to do.

Although I was thinking today about the fact that it was only when the youngest went away to uni five years ago that I finally felt able to take on a work role that means I don't get home till about 6.30 every night! before that I felt I needed to be available earlier in the evening for lifts to music lessons/sporting practice/drama group! So maybe I was beholden to them longer than I think haha.

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 03/07/2026 21:39

Putting your child first does not mean they can tell you what you can or cannot do! It's ridiculous. You've offered to take her, she said no. She's guilt tripping you into not going out but she's happy to go away for several days herself, beggars belief.
Your job is to ensure your DD grows into a caring, independent person not someone who thinks they can dictate to other people.

Scout2016 · 03/07/2026 21:46

Can she go round a mate's? Or a relatives?
Or as PPs suggest have a friend over.

Otherwise I would be tempted to say you want to go, she can choose if she comes too or stays home.

SheWillBeTheDeathOfMe · 03/07/2026 21:47

It’s not fair on your DD to let her control you like this, it will feed into any anxiety and make if worse. Can she have a friend round or go for a sleepover?

Anyahyacinth · 03/07/2026 21:57

Could it be as simple as she's scared in the house alone...seen a scary film, book..that has got to her and she's frightened? Can you try and find out what she needs to feel safe?

OneHardyRobin · 03/07/2026 21:59

You can’t entertain her deciding what you can and can’t do when you have offered for her to come as well. She has a choice to join you or not join you. If she chooses not to, that’s up to her, but she doesn’t get to stop everyone else from going too.

Supersimkin7 · 03/07/2026 22:01

Damaged & controlling - how on earth will DD ever cope with a relationship if you carry on growing this U behaviour?

Go to the concert. Humans don’t control
each other to this extent.

Namechanged47 · 03/07/2026 22:07

She's 15.
She doesn't get to dictate to you like this. Go enjoy the concert and have a great time. Find a different time to spend quality time with her before she goes away, but her preferences should not be limiting you to this extent when there isn't even a conflict. Her words/actions are just controlling at this point, however genuine her feelings, so you serve her better by drawing the line and making it clear that she needs to manage her emotions better when it's a perfectly reasonable thing you're doing.

daleylama · 03/07/2026 22:14

TwilightMode · 03/07/2026 20:33

DD, 15, and I are really close. I was a lone parent until quite recently, we moved in with my partner three years ago (she had known him since she was seven so it wasn't a huge upheaval). She gets on fine with DP but understandably wants special time with me, which I completely understand and always try to build in so we will do a couple of things a week just me and her without DP.

She can be a bit clingy with me, though, and sometimes I think this can shade over into being a bit controlling. She's only recently been OK with me going out in the evenings for example (she's fine to stay with DP but isn't massively comfortable if we both go out together). She had babysitters until fairly late (about 13) and it's only fairly recently that she's been OK with being left in the house on her own, I've weaned her into being OK with it as she needed to deal with it and she's now fine. But I know she doesn't like me going out in the evening more than once a week. Generally that's fine by me as I am too exhausted.

This weekend we have got offered last minute tickets to a local concert which I'd really like to go to. DD is requesting that I don't go, partly because she's going away on a school trip next week and also because she says I've already been out this week. It's very close and we could be home in under 30 minutes if there was a crisis. We'd be out from late afternoon until 11-12pm. We've asked her if she wants to come and she's said no.

I'm really torn on this. I sort of feel that it's not her place to police how often I go out and she needs to learn that I have my own life, so tempted to put my foot down. On the other hand I also feel I have to respect her feelings and wanting to spend a last weekend evening with me before going away and don't want to make her feel I abandoned her.

Do I overrule her and just go? Or do I stay in with her and let DP go alone. Under normal circumstances I'd be tempted to just go and use it as a resilience building experience, but she's going away with school for a few days and the idea of her being alone in the house for five plus hours without me does unsettle me a bit. Maybe I need to woman up but finding it hard to gauge.

Go ! And maybe you need to explore some loving unentwining of her dependence on you.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/07/2026 22:23

Chipsahoy · 03/07/2026 21:11

I wouldn’t leave my 15 yr old son until that late at night. He would hate it. Your daughter is uncomfortable about being alone, that’s ok. Don’t need to force her before she’s ready.

I would either, fine during the day but I wouldn’t leave her from afternoon until late at night. Will she have anyone for company all day/evening?

stichguru · 03/07/2026 22:45

Why has she got to not staying alone for an evening at 15? My 13 year old does that occasionally (not super late, but maybe till 10ish or so). I think reasons are important here - why doesn't she feel comfortable and why haven't you done it before?

HortiGal · 03/07/2026 22:46

@OutOfApricots it took 25mins for autism to be suggested. Every bad behaviour in kids or men is dismissed as autism not just horrible behaviour, it’s infuriating.

Ineffable23 · 03/07/2026 22:52

The only way you get through anxiety is by doing the thing that makes you anxious and then nothing bad happening so your brain learns to delink anxiety and that thing.

Putting your child first is preparing them to live in an adult world and making sure they're as capable as possible of flourishing.

It's not staying at home and facilitating their anxiety.

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 03/07/2026 23:10

HortiGal · 03/07/2026 22:46

@OutOfApricots it took 25mins for autism to be suggested. Every bad behaviour in kids or men is dismissed as autism not just horrible behaviour, it’s infuriating.

Yes, am also completely sick of this.