I have pushed my husband away

[ohnowhat]

Name changed for this.
Just that really.
I have spent the last 10 years or so depressed, miserable, out of work, mean and angry.
DH is not the cause of any of this, he lights up my life (or used to).
Recently he's told me he's had enough. I can see his love for me has gone.
He's fed up of working and me not, he's fed up of not feeling loved, he's fed up of everything.
He goes out with friends, he's generally happy. He has hobbies and friends.
But he's stopped caring about me and it's my fault.
I wish I could turn back time and do things differently.

This sounds tough, have you or did you seek help for your depression?

I went to the doctors and was prescribed antidepressants which I take.
They help somewhat, especially with the irritability and anger.

So, do you feel you’ve done your best and your DH is wrong? Did you lose your job because of depression?

I don't feel I've done my best.
I've been lazy.
I didn't lose my job, I gave it up because I didn't like it.
Tbh I never liked working.
I do a lot around the house to make up for it.
The thought of getting a job and working terrifies me.

He sounds a very devoted man OP if he's stuck by you for 10 years of this.

I wish I could turn back time and do things differently.

Have you expressed all this to him? Have you asked him whether he would come with you to marriage counselling?

He wanted us to go to counselling but I refused.

I feel for you, I really do. Depression is awful and debilitating at times.

but I think your DH has given a lot, and you didn’t give in return.

what do you want to happen now

Why did you refuse, have you made any effort to improve your relationship. Does he support you financially because you don't like working, how has he left it, will you be moving out.

So what do you think the upshot will be OP?

Do you have children together?

You didn't answer either of my questions.

It sounds like he’s built a life away from you because he’s had to. He must have been extremely lonely for a long time. Do you think he’s planning to leave you? Do you want to leave him? I’d plan for what divorce might look like in case it happens.

I'm looking for work now but I fear it might be too late.
I thought if I did all the housework he would be ok with it. He earns well enough that we've never struggle.
He's said he feels pressure, his workplace is making redundancies.
We have kids but they are adults.
I don't like talking to strangers, hence don't want counselling.
I'm sure he wants to leave me and maybe he will.

No and no.

@ohnowhat Do you love him?

If he's told you he's had enough, it's time for you to get it together and prepare for a single life. You may not want to work but he's unwilling to carry you anymore and he might be on his way out the door.

Get a job. Agree to therapy if he's still willing. But be prepared for him to no longer be willing. You're going to have to overcome years of inertia and it's going to be tough but you really don't have a choice.

Well, are you only here to express your wish that you could turn back time, or to consider how to actually move in a better direction?

I don't know why I posted.
I do love him but I haven't treated him well.

Did you expect him to deal with your situation indefinitely. A partner suffering long term illness creates a lot of stress and pressure.Giving up your job because "you didn't like it" puts more pressure on them. Have you had any counselling (apart from marriage guidance which you say you refuse to engage with.

I've had periods of ill health so I have some empathy but it's too late by the sounds of it. Given your lack of input it was inevitable.

Go to therapy asap.

One of the effects of depression that is most overlooked is the impact it has on relationships.
It sounds like you are still depressed because your thinking seems very negative and you are placing all of the blame on yourself.
Depression seriously distorts the way that people think and view the world. We make choices when depressed that otherwise we would never make. It’s the nature of it.
Your husband could have educated himself better on the disorder and accessed support for navigating a relationship with a depressed person and getting you better treatment. If you had any other type of illness such as diabetes, your partner would surely want to understand it as much as possible and know how to provide support.
You didn’t choose to be depressed and it sounds to me like maybe in not working you were withdrawing and trying to hide from the world. This is probably another symptom, not something you just wanted to do for no good reason.
You don’t need to go to counselling if that doesn’t feel right to you.
But you do need to talk to your partner honestly and openly.
It is hard on partners of people suffering with depression but it’s rarely as one sided as you are making out. What has he actually done to help and support you and to understand your illness?

If you would rather wallow in self-pity than start making changes, then prepare for divorce.

I took your username to be a misspelling for "oh now what?", but it doesn't sound as though you have any intention to actually improve your situation.

Thanks for that.
He has read up on depression.
I feel he's been failry supportive. At least until he's told me he's had enough.
He hasn't pressured me to take antidepressants or get a job.
Is it one sided? I'm not sure. I feel like many men would have walked out a long time ago.
I'm negative because I feel like I'm useless and I messed up my life.
I guess I just thought this would go on forever.

This is a very tough situation but unfortunately hindsight isn't going to help. Unless you can make some big changes, with ongoing support for your mental health, and have a really open discussion with your husband about whether he's willing to see how that goes, I think the marriage may be ending. You should of course still seek ongoing help, even if your relationship is truly over. I have suffered with depression and severe anxiety most of my adult life and don't particularly like going to work despite there being aspects of it that I do enjoy. However, a lot of people will be in the same situation where they struggle to cope but their circumstances dictate that they've had to try. My husband became severely ill 4 years ago when I was in one of my worst bouts but I knew I had to get as much support for us both as I then became the sole earner. It has been incredibly hard but we would both have sunk if a real effort hadn't been made, and he had always supported me when I had difficult times.
I hope you can find a way to get the help you need whatever the outcome of your marriage is.

Have you acknowledged it’s you not him (if that’s really the case)? Just having someone take accountability can be a huge weight off his mind.

What positives steps will you take to make real lasting change? You can’t expect him to stay unless things change.