I have pushed my husband away

[ohnowhat]

Name changed for this.
Just that really.
I have spent the last 10 years or so depressed, miserable, out of work, mean and angry.
DH is not the cause of any of this, he lights up my life (or used to).
Recently he's told me he's had enough. I can see his love for me has gone.
He's fed up of working and me not, he's fed up of not feeling loved, he's fed up of everything.
He goes out with friends, he's generally happy. He has hobbies and friends.
But he's stopped caring about me and it's my fault.
I wish I could turn back time and do things differently.

It sounds as though he’s reached the end of the road. What changes are you willing to make, including seeking additional help for your depression? Without those steps, it’s difficult to see how he would change his mind. Both of you deserve a happy life, and without hope and tangible steps forward, you may have to accept this is over.

If you had any other type of illness such as diabetes, your partner would surely want to understand it as much as possible and know how to provide support.

@PrincessTiabeanieMariabeanie unfortunately, many people who developped a chronic illness (such as diabetes or depression) don’t have that experience.
But rather the people, esp women, who are ill are often labelled ‘a burden’ and their partner’saints’ for putting up with them not working/struggling with their illness etc….

Im not saying it’s ok btw. But what you see as ‘an obvious answer to chronic illness’ isn’t obvious fur most people.

You can try to alter your mindset and pull yourself out of this way of thinking. If you are successful you might be able to recover some of your relationship and will be better prepared for single life if you can’t recover it.
You need to communicate with your husband and acknowledge how things have been and tell him you are going to work on resetting your outlook.
It is easy to spiral down into this, not working, not driven to work, okay financially so don’t have to work but it is appalling for your self esteem. You don’t like yourself and have switched to a negative and defensive view of the world.
If you want to get back to work maybe start with some volunteering.
Get some therapy or work through an online program.
Find or rediscover activities and interests.
Expand your world, hopefully as you meet people with similar interests you will feel more comfortable with yourself.

I posted yesterday on another thread where a woman wanted to go part time because she didn't like work. There is a lot of evidence that work is beneficial.
The "Employment Dosage" Finding
Researchers at the University of Cambridge studied the habits and health of over 71,000 working-age people in the UK. They found a significant difference in mental well-being between people with no paid work and those with even a small amount. Unemployment can harm your identity and sense of purpose. Work gives you a routine and a chance to interact with others. 1, 2, 3]
You are not doing yourself anf favours by not working

Book a therapist today. They are not ‘strangers you don’t like talking to’. They are trained professionals. You can even say in session 1 - I don’t like talking to strangers. And they will help you.

your husband sounds worth fighting for. As are you.

Therapy costs money and OP is not working.

Her husband, who wanted them to go to therapy, is.

Who's to say he hasn't?

The person suffering with depression also has a responsibility to get help.

I can tell you now, living with and supporting someone who has depression but won't proper help for themselves is absolutely draining. He's supported her for 10 years! Hasn't just walked away at the first obstacle.

Only you can decide if the thought of him leaving is enough to give you the courage to seek help OP. It sounds like your fear has consumed you and your world has become very small, but I promise you things can be different for you.

An initial step could be self referral to NHS Wellbeing services. Yes there are waits in some areas but it is a step in the right direction. I self referred many years ago and my then H&W coach also referred me to upper level services when it was apparent I needed further support. Again I am well aware there are waits for all MH services but, again, a step forward is something. I also paid for private counselling and it was at a cost but a reasonable one that, at the time, my husband covered as he was the higher earner and it was before he became too ill to work. We paid £35 per session.

If he's has enough he may just want out, he doesn't have to pay anything.

Your husband could have educated himself better on the disorder and accessed support for navigating a relationship with a depressed person and getting you better treatment. If you had any other type of illness such as diabetes, your partner would surely want to understand it as much as possible and know how to provide support.

Of course it's his fault for not educating himself better and getting himself relationship advice and getting the OP better treatment 🙄

Even though he's been the only one working for 10 years whilst the OP is 'mean and angry', the man is to blame.

Im sure the husband or joint bank acct can pay for therapy. It’s a lot cheaper than divorce, two homes etc

Nothing stays the same forever. Life changes. It throws challenges our way and everything changes. Start looking for a job. Start up a dog walking service or a cleaning service - you need to start somewhere.

I've got to agree with this; it is imo highly likely he did find out what he could about what was affecting OP otherwise its likely the 10 years would not have been. However its also likely his emotional tank has run dry if there has been no change.

And was the one who wanted couple's counselling, only for OP to refuse.

Look, it was an alternative point of view for balance. That’s all.
OP says it’s not the case. That is was all her fault.
Fair enough.

OP, if you truly believe that, what’s the point of this thread? To make yourself feel worse?

It won't be cheaper for husband, he won't be paying for @ohnowhat after the divorce.

This, but remember it’s MN where for many the default is “nooo it’s not your fault! You’ve not been helped how you want! It’s their fault!!”

One of my exs was like you op, i had hit the point of im done with it, i wanted a life.
We split he met someone else and she was done with him within a year.

I dont know what he`s doing now but i do hope he got help to sort himselve out.

Moving forward have you considered:

• referring yourself for talking therapy work/ cbt - I know you don’t want to talk to other people but you need to be doing something different here - your current way of coping isn’t working.
• Perhaps your DH could benefit from counselling too, on his own, so he can talk through his feelings/ next steps. They can also support couples to split up if thats his position.
• Can you do in line courses to build your knowledge lots of on line colleges will do stuff in various topics- just so you can add this to your CV, but also it may be interesting!!
• I am with your DH I am the main bread winner and its exhausting!! All the financial reliance on one person! So keep applying for jobs.
• Voluntary work? can you start here!
• anti depressant review? are they working?
• HRT?
• Are you exercising? this is another thing that feels hard, but is positive
• what self help have you done? what apps do you use? books have you read to help? There are some great podcasts and apps which support relaxation and mood recovery.
• Is there a recovery college near you that you can access - they often do sessions on issues such as living with depression/ anxiety - which maybe helpful.

Your DH does seem like he has been patient and supportive, he has also been open with you about his concerns around the relationship. You may be able to turn this around still, but you will need to think about your self care and taking all the help you can to get better.

Yeah MN is well known for all the empathy and compassion.

Yeah if there is someone eles to blame.

I can say a similar thing about my ex wife, realised she had treated me badly but wasnt capable of changing her behaviour

😂 😂 😂
Sure it is!