Page 3 | I have pushed my husband away

BunnyLake · 02/07/2026 16:27

@PrincessTiabeanieMariabeanie How do you feel about people who leave addicts? Addiction is a disease too isn’t it?

WhatNextImScared · 02/07/2026 16:34

SummerDive · 02/07/2026 15:36

If you had any other type of illness such as diabetes, your partner would surely want to understand it as much as possible and know how to provide support.

@PrincessTiabeanieMariabeanie unfortunately, many people who developped a chronic illness (such as diabetes or depression) don’t have that experience.
But rather the people, esp women, who are ill are often labelled ‘a burden’ and their partner’saints’ for putting up with them not working/struggling with their illness etc….

Im not saying it’s ok btw. But what you see as ‘an obvious answer to chronic illness’ isn’t obvious fur most people.

This is simply not true. The statistics show men routinely leave women with chronic or severe illnesses. This is so prevalent that one of the first things chemo nurses do is check women’s wider support systems as so many husbands leave during cancer treatment. They also report that even if the partner stays they do not attend chemo - it is daughters, sisters and female friends who are the support for women, and wives and daughters who are the support for men.

BeeHive909 · 02/07/2026 16:36

Love the fact that some posters are pointing blame at the husband when he’s the one holding down the house. Op if he leaves you you can’t sit at home doing nothing, it’s time to sort out things. You need therapy to work out why you’re so angry etc as it isn’t normal. Plenty of people can and do work with depression but you need to own it and work on it . It’s not fair for your husband to be paying everything

Ibrox · 02/07/2026 16:50

ohnowhat · 02/07/2026 14:42

I don't feel I've done my best.
I've been lazy.
I didn't lose my job, I gave it up because I didn't like it.
Tbh I never liked working.
I do a lot around the house to make up for it.
The thought of getting a job and working terrifies me.

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Wow, what a lucky guy your DH is...

PetulaGordeno · 02/07/2026 16:50

If this were reversed the advice would be LTB.
You sound very down and listless OP.
Your DH has stuck by you for a long time now but is feeling the pressure.
You have one life to live. If he leaves you are going to become even more isolated and practically, you are going to be poor. The home comforts you take for granted now will disappear.
Getting back into work is hard but it’s not impossible. You could try a few hours volunteering first. You need your own friends and your own life.
I once felt like you. I didn’t think I could go on. I literally walked into a local
college and signed up for a course one morning a week.
That one small step changed my life which I thought was over.
I looked forward to that one morning all week. When it ended I signed up for 2 more and got a job part time which was mostly from home.
Having a bit of human contact, a few quid in your pocket, something to talk to your husband about, it is life changing and it can be done.

Happyjoe · 02/07/2026 16:53

ohnowhat · 02/07/2026 14:42

I don't feel I've done my best.
I've been lazy.
I didn't lose my job, I gave it up because I didn't like it.
Tbh I never liked working.
I do a lot around the house to make up for it.
The thought of getting a job and working terrifies me.

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It adds to the depression, staying at home. Big time. You should've at least volunteered or done something to keep you in the company of others.

I hope you can get the help you need and work towards a better marriage.

SummerDive · 02/07/2026 16:58

WhatNextImScared · 02/07/2026 16:34

This is simply not true. The statistics show men routinely leave women with chronic or severe illnesses. This is so prevalent that one of the first things chemo nurses do is check women’s wider support systems as so many husbands leave during cancer treatment. They also report that even if the partner stays they do not attend chemo - it is daughters, sisters and female friends who are the support for women, and wives and daughters who are the support for men.

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That’s exactly the point I was making…..

ConstitutionHill · 02/07/2026 17:02

outerspacepotato · 02/07/2026 15:01

If he's told you he's had enough, it's time for you to get it together and prepare for a single life. You may not want to work but he's unwilling to carry you anymore and he might be on his way out the door.

Get a job. Agree to therapy if he's still willing. But be prepared for him to no longer be willing. You're going to have to overcome years of inertia and it's going to be tough but you really don't have a choice.

Well put.

Thecatandme · 02/07/2026 17:03

I was married for 25 years to someone who suffered badly from anxiety and depression. Her illness meant that she couldn't work and I was the main breadwinner - she did have an ill health pension which supplemented our income

I researched the illness and really tried to help her - it's horrible to see someone you love suffering so much and I just wanted to find a way to help her move forward. But it does wear you down and - as with OP's husband - I did find a sort of life of my own. Going out for a drink after work once a week, watching football on a Saturday and volunteering one evening.

Life was never great but it was also rarely awful (there were some dreadful times though) and we rubbed along more like brother and sister

After being medicated for years and seeing quite a few psychiatrists she started studying psychology. This changed things for her - the more she understood about her condition the better equipped she became to deal with it. She ended up with a PhD and - even though by then we had separated (initiated by her) - I was there for the graduation and so proud of what she had achieved

She told me that more than a third of the students on that foundation course suffered from the conditions she had and were doing it for the same reason

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/07/2026 17:09

Ah OP. I feel sorry for you.

I am basically in your husband's situation. I don't know if if helps to see it from this side.

I am sole wage earner and it's a huge burden. I am resilient and can carry it, but, I do look to what he is bringing to the household and think - it's not equal, not fair. If I lost my job we would all be in trouble. I don't think he gets that and how it can keep me up at night.

Do you respond to his stress with understanding?
Are you sensible with money? Like do you save to help him have a cushion or earlier retirement?
Do you still have physical intimacy?

whippersnapper55 · 02/07/2026 17:11

10 years is a long time to live with someone who's mean and angry and doesn't treat you well. It sounds like he's done his best but if he feels he'd be happier apart, I don't blame him really 🤷‍♀️

SummerDive · 02/07/2026 17:12

PrincessTiabeanieMariabeanie · 02/07/2026 16:05

Look, it was an alternative point of view for balance. That’s all.
OP says it’s not the case. That is was all her fault.
Fair enough.

OP, if you truly believe that, what’s the point of this thread? To make yourself feel worse?

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I have a chronic illness, unable to work, housebound etc…. And I have cptsd on the side too.

So I agree with you that the OP didn’t chose to have depression and it is an illness.
But she also has a responsibility to look after herself. To look further than ‘I take ADs’ because yes they helped but they didn’t actively improve things.
Yet she has dine nothing else to help herself.
Refuses counselling (appreciate it can be tricky to find a good one but just blank refusal isn’t on, esp as there are lots of type of counselling, some of which do not involve heavy talking).
Refused couple counselling when it should have rung some alarm bells.

And that is the issue. The fact she took her dh and her marriage for granted.
That she thought she could stick her head in the sand and it would go away.
All of that is on her.

I really don’t think making the OP a victim here is going to help her.
(Nor putting her down and telling her is awful btw).

The only thing she can do is to try and get better depression wise. For HERSELF, not her dh.
And to communicate as much as she can with her dh. Couple counselling could be quite helpful there….

honeylulu · 02/07/2026 17:53

You've been very honest in your posts I think.
You admit to being mean, angry, lazy and knowingly not doing more to improve your situation while he's supported you for 10 years.

I'm sympathetic about depression/poor mental health but year upon year of someone not taking steps to help themselves and just hoovering up the goodwill of a cheery spouse providing, his love for you has faded away bit by bit. I hope there's some left and a chance to recover the marriage but if all the love has gone, it may now be too late.

beeautifullif3 · 02/07/2026 18:45

So you've spent 10 years wallowing in self pity , doing fuck all to improve your situation and surprised that hubby has had enough .? Good on him he's done enough, supported you enough he has a life too and needs to live it , you sound like you will never change and will just bring everyone around you down with you , very selfish , get some proper help and sort yourself out

Isitevensummer · 02/07/2026 19:19

It’s hard to break out of depression- motivating yourself is really difficult. Your DH has stuck it out for a long time, so perhaps it’s worth looking at whether he is willing to try now. OP, you and your comfort zone have gotten very small and breaking out of it will be uncomfortable but perhaps this is the push that can help you on your way.

Original poster

ohnowhat · 02/07/2026 19:52

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 02/07/2026 17:09

Ah OP. I feel sorry for you.

I am basically in your husband's situation. I don't know if if helps to see it from this side.

I am sole wage earner and it's a huge burden. I am resilient and can carry it, but, I do look to what he is bringing to the household and think - it's not equal, not fair. If I lost my job we would all be in trouble. I don't think he gets that and how it can keep me up at night.

Do you respond to his stress with understanding?
Are you sensible with money? Like do you save to help him have a cushion or earlier retirement?
Do you still have physical intimacy?

Yes, he's said being sole earner is a burden.
I ask myself what I bring - I do a lot around the house and garden but not much else.
Yes we would be in trouble if he lost his job.
I think I respond with understanding but I can't rouse myself to do anything about it.
We are both sensible with money and have savings.
I think retirement is on his mind. We are late 40s and he has friends in mid 50s who are going semi retired. He says there's no chance of him being able to do that.
I haven't had a libido for 10 years either.
He stopped initiating sex because he said the rejection was painful.
I initiate maybe once every two months though I could live without it, because I know he misses it.

OP posts:

Original poster

ohnowhat · 02/07/2026 19:52

beeautifullif3 · 02/07/2026 18:45

So you've spent 10 years wallowing in self pity , doing fuck all to improve your situation and surprised that hubby has had enough .? Good on him he's done enough, supported you enough he has a life too and needs to live it , you sound like you will never change and will just bring everyone around you down with you , very selfish , get some proper help and sort yourself out

This is all true.

OP posts:

AnonymouseDad · 02/07/2026 20:04

The past ten years. Its just that, its the past.
Nothing you can do to change it or anything about it.
Take a deep breath and start to look forward knowing everything that has happened is unchangeable and does not effect tomorrow unless you let it.

Talk to your husband about the future and what you want. And what he wants too. The fact he stayed and is telling you now that hes had enough isnt a bad thing. Sometimes we all need a kick up the arse.
He didnt say ive had enough of you and want a divorce did he? He said ive had enough. To me that says he wants change and that change doesnt meen without you. But you have to let go of the past and help make that change happen.

Counselling. Ive gone through it and I was surprised by how helpful it was. I also didnt fancy talking to a stranger but it did help. Maybe its something in their training.

One thing I was told that stuck. Marriage is a rubber band. It can stretch, sometimes really far. But it can also pull you back together if you let it. If you keep pulling though it might snap and then it cannot ever pull you back together.
When I realised our band hadn't snapped I was very happy.

Accept the kick in the butt. Face forward and use it to make changes. Start with talking honestly with your husband and tell him you want him just as much as he clearly wanted you.

moderate · 02/07/2026 20:10

ohnowhat · 02/07/2026 19:52

This is all true.

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So what are you going to do about it?

moderate · 02/07/2026 20:20

MissMoneyFairy · 02/07/2026 15:58

If he's has enough he may just want out, he doesn't have to pay anything.

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Ha! You've clearly never been through a divorce.

LejlaKapovic · 02/07/2026 20:21

ohnowhat · 02/07/2026 14:20

Name changed for this.
Just that really.
I have spent the last 10 years or so depressed, miserable, out of work, mean and angry.
DH is not the cause of any of this, he lights up my life (or used to).
Recently he's told me he's had enough. I can see his love for me has gone.
He's fed up of working and me not, he's fed up of not feeling loved, he's fed up of everything.
He goes out with friends, he's generally happy. He has hobbies and friends.
But he's stopped caring about me and it's my fault.
I wish I could turn back time and do things differently.

Has he told he's not at all interested in giving you a chance to step up as a partner?

AnonAnonmystery · 02/07/2026 21:08

You are too young to let yourself go like this. Any age is too young to let yourself go
like this. See if he will give you another chance and go with a plan to make real changes.

Becauseurworthit · 02/07/2026 21:39

AnonymouseDad · 02/07/2026 20:04

The past ten years. Its just that, its the past.
Nothing you can do to change it or anything about it.
Take a deep breath and start to look forward knowing everything that has happened is unchangeable and does not effect tomorrow unless you let it.

Talk to your husband about the future and what you want. And what he wants too. The fact he stayed and is telling you now that hes had enough isnt a bad thing. Sometimes we all need a kick up the arse.
He didnt say ive had enough of you and want a divorce did he? He said ive had enough. To me that says he wants change and that change doesnt meen without you. But you have to let go of the past and help make that change happen.

Counselling. Ive gone through it and I was surprised by how helpful it was. I also didnt fancy talking to a stranger but it did help. Maybe its something in their training.

One thing I was told that stuck. Marriage is a rubber band. It can stretch, sometimes really far. But it can also pull you back together if you let it. If you keep pulling though it might snap and then it cannot ever pull you back together.
When I realised our band hadn't snapped I was very happy.

Accept the kick in the butt. Face forward and use it to make changes. Start with talking honestly with your husband and tell him you want him just as much as he clearly wanted you.

This is a great post.

Please pay attention to this one and all the positive posts. You are at a cross roads and you are going to be so proud of yourself, whether with your DH or not, you are going to make a few changes which will actually be really good for you. You've already started... Well done for posting and being so honest. It doesn't matter how small, as long as in a healthy direction and you are persistent, they will all add up and gain their own momentum.

I find work is really good. Keeps a routine. Even if I hate it, it means I love my time off and make the most of free time. Whilst you look, volunteering is brilliant because you meet people and have something to talk about at interview.

A pp mentioned exercise. You already do gardening, which is wonderful. Regular yoga has made such a profound difference to my mental health. Moving to music, moving my whole body, breathing deeply... So many mood improving benefits. Lots of videos on YouTube.

Reading or listening to articles on growth mindset I also found really helpful.

Wishing you all the very best.

OMGDidYouSayThat · 02/07/2026 21:47

I think it’s admirable that you’ve spotted your mistakes and owned them but i doubt that you are entirely to blame, i think if you both love each other i’m sure you could work on getting your marriage back on track but it sounds like you are both going to have to make sacrifices for anything to change.

Sounds like it’s time for you to sit down together and have an honest discussion about where you both see your futures heading and decide if you want to work things out or not.